This is Me

Life is full of rainbows, changing yourself, who you are, and the way people look at you. I'm in that rainbow. The third colour to be exact. My name is Lilia. I've struggled with my identity for the past year. Ever since I was little I felt different, but especially in 2018, eighth grade.

It was close to the end of the year. We had all just gotten back from spring break. There was this one girl in my class, Autumn. She had red hair, and dark brown eyes. Her smile would light up the room. I never really noticed her, or payed attention to her. However something had changed. I seemed to notice her in the hallways more and payed more attention to her in class. Every time I saw her, I would get butterflies in my stomach. My palms would get all sweaty. I wasn't able to speak. It didn't help that I'm super shy. I've never felt that way. I felt weird and different, like what I was feeling was wrong. I got scared.

Over spring break I was reading "Simon vs. the Homosapiens Agenda". I thought maybe I was feeling that way towards Autumn because I was reading that book? Maybe I just wanted to be with someone. I was scared of what was going through my mind. I wanted to stop reading the book. What if people thought I was gay because of the book I was choosing to read? I know, I know, silly thought right? Pushing away those thoughts, I continued to read the book. Looking back, I'm glad I did. It really opened my mind up to a whole new world that I could choose to explore.

Flash forward to three months later. It's pride month aka June! My feelings towards Autumn still hadn't gone away. She was constantly on my mind. Throughout the entire month of June, I started to pay more attention to the LGBTQ+ community. If there was something on the news, or in my school, I would listen. I started learning about all the different labels. My label was bisexual.

I kept all of this in. Staying up late at night thinking about it. Searching up each label, then quickly clearing my search history, hoping no one would find out. Some nights, I even cried myself to sleep. I had only talked to Autumn once. It was all the way at the start of the year. I made a complete fool of myself!

It was the first day of school. In Social we had to ask our desk partner questions off a worksheet. One of the questions was "What is your favourite show?" I then asked her. Autumn's response was "Supernatural". Although what did I hear? Oh only of course "Super Ninja"! What is that? She then told me it was "Supernatural." I was so embarrassed. I could feel my face turning red.

So here I was liking this girl I had only talked to once, and was too shy to talk to.

Over the course of the summer I watch Youtubers in the LGBTQ+ community such as ItsJustNick, Keara Graves, and Lane Webber. They helped me realize that it was okay to have those feelings, and it was okay to not be what some people considered "normal" and I even binged watched "The Fosters" all summer long. That show really helped. It showed what a family of two lesbians could look like. The producers, and writers incorporated lots of things with the LGBTQ+ community.

I had many doubts watching the show and all these videos. I was scared my parents would see me watching these videos, and ask why I was watching them. They never did. I would smile when two characters of the same gender would kiss, cover up my face with a blanket and hope that no one saw.

Flash forward to September when the new school year started. Everything that I had realized in the summer about my sexuality, I tucked away. I was scared, and that small part in me felt ashamed of my feelings took over me. I saw Autumn the first day of grade 9. The entire summer I had planned that I was just going to go up and say hi, or even smile at her in the hallways. But I just couldn't build up the courage. Then, I gave up, and told myself it was never going to happen. I tucked those feelings away and found a guy to like.

His name was Spencer. Let's just say that didn't go so well. For over a month I convinced myself I had a crush on him, but then everything came flooding back. This is when I learnt that you can't push your feelings away. I couldn't handle it anymore. I kept crying myself to sleep. All these thoughts were swarming my head. I needed to get it out. I needed to tell someone. That someone was my sister, Diana. I told her everything. From why I liked Autumn to when I knew. Fortunately she accepted me, and I felt free. Now I didn't have to go through this alone.

Over the next few months I just went through life. I focused on school, and didn't worry about my sexuality but all of a sudden I started thinking about Autumn again. She was on my mind all the time and I just couldn't stop. The doubts and fear came back for what felt like the thousandth time. So back to YouTube I went. That's when I stumbled on a video titled "Coming out isn't always easy" by Colleen Ballinger. Her best friend Kory was gay, and they were talking about it. I watched that video and cried. I finally realized that it's okay to be bisexual, gay, pansexual, transgender, or whatever you want to be. That video basically changed my life. I recently just stumbled across it again, and it makes me feel good. I finally accepted that I was bisexual. I was proud to be bisexual.

At the end of February I came across Autumn's Snapchat. So I added her. We were messaging all the time, and my crush was growing. Two weeks later late at night, I told Autumn I liked her. I didn't hold anything back. I said everything I've wanted to say for almost a year. We talked about it then headed off to bed.

At school we slowly start talking. We didn't talk a lot, because we're both very shy. But hey, at least we're talking, right?

We then had a sleepover together. I told my parents she was in one of my option classes (true) and we had been talking a lot (not entirely true). It was a little awkward at the start, but it got better. I remember walking into her room and seeing her pride flag. I was so happy to finally see one. That night made me realize that dating a girl wouldn't be so bad. In fact it wouldn't be bad at all.

I then decided that I needed and wanted to come out to my parents. On March 20th of 2019, I told them I was bisexual. They were super supportive of me. My mom told me she had a feeling. I was so happy and I was finally free. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could finally be myself.

It is now the beginning of May. It has been over a year since I realized those feelings. It has definitely been one crazy ride for sure. I am so happy with the decision I made. Autumn and I are becoming better friends. We aren't dating, but I am perfectly fine with that. I am just happy I can finally be me. Plus there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Coming out, and realizing it can be hard. That's why it's important you wait for the right time. I am so thankful for all the people who inspired me and continue to inspire me, but also my family for making me feel safe and accepted. I know that not many people are not as lucky as I am. Not many people know, but they'll know when I feel like telling them. I do still have doubts at times, but I don't let them take over me. Life is full of sunshine and rain. You have to remember that at the end of the rain is a rainbow.

My name is Lilia and I am bisexual.