The Exilir And The Poison

Chapter 16: The Black Poison

For some, quite inexplicably, love fades. For others, love is simply lost. But then of course, love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then there is another kind of love, the cruellest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It’s called ‘Unrequited Love’. Of that, I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories? Those of us who fall in love alone. We are the victims of the one-sided affairs. We are the cursed of the loved ones; we are ‘un-loved’ ones. The walking wounded. The handicap without the advancement of a great parking spot. Yes, you are looking at one such individual. ~ The Holiday
 

~§~
 

Ranveer stared at his reflection in the mirror. His cheeks were sunken, the dark circles beneath his eyes more prominent as his bulging eyes looked back at him in utter despair and hopelessness. The extremity of the angst drew his senses in and out of the focus. He touched his dry lips, removing the stains of blood streaking his lower lip. Slowly, his trembling hand moved to his face to wipe the tears away, his desperate yet another failed attempt to keep himself strong. He sighed, looking down at his bloodied forearm, the blood dripping into the washbasin, spiralling into the flowing water. A bandage carefully placed just above the fresh gash he had caused a few moments ago stared back at him. He looked at the knife in his free hand, clutching it tightly and wishing it helped him feel something. When nothing happened, he gently brought the utility knife back to his arm, running it slow enough over his skin to feel the prick in hope to assuage the numbness he otherwise felt so strongly. He winced a little expecting an outburst of the pain, but images that dredged before his eyes strangely rivalled any torment he might have felt. Ishaani’s indifference and the memory of her silence as she pretended he didn’t exist came back to haunt him once again, overpowering what little wounds he had carved across his skin. There were continuous tears in his eyes, obscured visions, and so many memories flooding before him as though he had been teleported to a different time and life. He saw himself with Ishaani again, her arm looped around his, trying to grab the camera from his hand. That year, Ranveer had been with her father on a business trip, and Ishaani had requested her parents to allow her to accompany them as well. After all, Ranveer was going to be there. How could anything go wrong? While her father was busy with high-profile meetings, Ishaani had dragged Ranveer to the closest public park that overlooked the gigantic mountains. She was over-enthusiastic, repeating she had never had so much fun before. Obviously, they had fought, argued, and she had ended her day saying he ruined her day while her father and Ranveer had laughed at her childishness. She didn’t want to be anywhere where he couldn’t accompany her. She would often go with her father, spend her time with Ranveer, and they would fight until they were seriously not talking to each other. His Mota Babuji had to help them make up. How could he not? It had become a routine for them. This was how they spent their time together, unaware of the storms and the hatred brewing inside Ishaani’s heart.

He pushed the knife a little too sharply into his skin, drawing out fresh blood, but what still hurt was the lies Ishaani had told him. He knew he smelled bad — of alcohol and vomit and blood. Ranveer didn’t know for how long he hadn’t slept. For days, for weeks, or for months? He fell down on the floor, hitting his head against the wall, breathing shallow as he tried to imagine what drew him to Ishaani in the first place. It was her kindness, her ability to see good in people. Yes, he told himself, it was her kindness — she didn’t have to stick with him, but she did.
 
Today, at Shikhar’s house, he saw her smiling, helping an old woman and a child with her. The two sat alone in their spot, watching the crowd dance and sing, the child begging her grandmother to join the elders in celebrations. The grandma had denied softly. It was then Ishaani came, smiled at the little girl, and taking her hand she introduced them to the children of the family. The woman was one of the clients whose case Shikhar had handled recently ever since he fell in love with Ishaani. He’d said it was his first case where he had helped the needy, not bothering about the amount of money she could offer. Ishaani said she was proud of him. Ranveer had shuffled with something sharp in his palm, pretending he wasn’t affected by the way Ishaani laughed and told Shikhar how happy she was. He had said they would invite the woman on their wedding and all the functions prior to it. Ishaani agreed.
 
Since then, Ishaani had left no stone unturned in making the old woman feel like home; Shikhar’s family was extremely cautious in the woman’s care as well. Her son and daughter-in-law were killed in an accident and Shikhar had helped them get justice. She told Shikhar she saw his son and daughter-in-law in him and Ishaani. If her family were alive, they would have been proud of Shikhar too.
 
Ranveer inhaled sharply. No matter how hard he tried, he could not get Ishaani to talk to him. It happened after every night he convinced himself she didn’t matter to him and this was the last time he would see her. But every morning he went back to her, often accompanied by Ritika, or on his own much to Shikhar’s annoyance. No one wanted him there, Ranveer knew that much, but he was there because of Ishaani, not for others. However, whenever he and Ishaani came across each other and their eyes met, he regretted his arrival, regretted every moment in her presence. It was one thing that never changed for him.
Shikhar always questioned why he wore black three-piece suits and not another colour. Ranveer shook his head, and laughed, not a sign of the pleasant emotion laughter was supposed to express. It was his way of protesting against the marriage he did not approve. He wouldn’t let Ishaani marry Shikhar. She’d destroyed his life and he would have to be a fool to let Ishaani do that to someone else. Ranveer never told anyone why he was wearing the black clothes. Whenever he went, the appreciative glances thrown his way startled him. He was supposed to be invisible to the rest of the world, and he felt a growing sense of irritation as women he didn’t know smiled at him expecting the same in return. When he didn’t oblige, he felt Ritika tighten her arms around his and sigh.
 
“You really look great,” she said, kissing the side of his cheek. Ranveer’s skin crawled but paused watching Ishaani there before him, staring at him. For a moment, he felt something resembling pain flicker in her eyes. Ranveer wrapped his arm around Ritika’a waist, smiling at her as they approached the Mehra Mansion the other evening. Shikhar’s surprised gaze greeted them the first thing, but it was Ishaani Ranveer was interested in. Her reaction as she saw him and Ritika together. He couldn’t see her around, and was almost certain his plan was successful. She loved him, too. The way he couldn’t see with another man, she couldn’t see him other woman either. This was the reason she couldn’t come in front of him. For a moment, Ranveer felt a heavy burden leaving his chest. Instead of all the insults he had hurled at her, he could have done this to if know she loved him. The Parekhs came to attend the Sangeet Ceremony for Devarsh and Krisha. Of course he was going to dance with Ritika. He knew wherever Ishaani was, she could see him. If it was a matter of pride or ego, he needed to get her out and talk to her. Hope rose in him briefly, until the same evening he saw Ishaani dressed in a long red gown, trailing behind her heels as she walked with Shikhar. Shikhar introduced her as his would-be-wife to the guests as Ishaani held his hand. Ranveer had to look away, hopes shattering like a fall of gigantic castle made from glass. She made him feel too much, too intensely in the ways no one did. And when no one was around, he finally grabbed her elbow, pulled her to him, and pinned her against the wall. He watched her face contort in worry, wanting to say something but silencing as he placed his index finger on her lips. This worried expression was better than the indifference he was used to seeing in her eyes.
 
“Why are you doing this again?” he asked, allowing vulnerability to take over his indifference for the first time in weeks. “You know I can’t see you with someone else!”
 
Ishaani was silent, still struggling to get out of his grip, and he held at her harder. “I won’t let you go like this. I need my answers!”
 
She was silent. He dreaded her. Ranveer loved her and feared her. How many times had he allowed her to crush him voluntarily? But from her side, no answer came. Instead, once again, Ritika found him, scandalized. She left the venue immediately, not bothering to say goodbye to Shikhar or his family. Shikhar entered the scene immediately, saw Ishaani next to him, and knew there was something going on.
 
“Are you okay?” he asked Ishaani. Ishaani nodded, not meeting her eyes with Shikhar. Ranveer knew he was invisible again. The indifference, as though strengthened by Shikhar’s presence, was back in her eyes. Ranveer followed Ritika who had already left in his car.
 
“What was that, RV?” She heavily sighed, tears spilling out of her eyes uncontrollably.
 
“Nothing.” They were in his room again, the room that was supposed to be his only.
 
“After everything I had to see, this is what you have to say?” she said, indignation apparent in her tone. “How could you stand so close to Ishaani and answer me with nothing.”
 
Ranveer remained silent.
 
“I know what you went through. I know she broke your heart. But you’re doing the same thing to me!”
 
His head snapped in her direction.
 
“Do you know why Ishaani is with Shikhar and no one likes you there? Because Shikhar knows how to respect Ishaani and you don’t. That’s right! You trying to prove she’s characterless or gold digger doesn’t make Ishaani look bad. It makes you look like a fool.”
 
He was still silent.
 
“After everything she did... She’s a.. terrible person, RV, and you —”
 
“Stop it, Ritika.” Ranveer frowned.
 
Ritika gave a laugh that held no traces of amusement. “See? No matter what you keep saying about Ishaani, you can’t hear a word against her. And YOU want me to believe she’s not a threat to our relationship? She broke you and I was here with you all the time. Why does she get this loyalty from you and not I, RV?”
 
Ranveer looked away from her.
 
“Do you remember, RV, the evening you were awarded for being the youngest millionaire? In your speech you made our relationship look so perfect. You said we fight a lot... We had this perfect relationship. But we hardly ever talk. You’re never home. You’re either in the office or at Shikhar’s place. But not with me. Thinking about it, that was how your relationship with her used to be like. It wasn’t ours. You say you’re trying to move on, but I see no efforts. You’re there all the time, looking at her. The way you look at Ishaani is so different...” she mumbled. “It’s like she’s your whole universe and nothing else matters.”
 
“I told you I won’t attend their marriage functions if that’s what you want.”
 
“It means you still have feelings for her. If you can attend their marriage functions and not be affected by her, that would be our victory, RV.”
 
Ranveer nodded. Ritika moved close to him, standing on her toes, bringing her face close to him. “Excuse me, I need to go.” He moved away from her with a jerk.
 
Ranveer walked out, leaving behind an infuriated and dejected Ritika. His mind was full of Ishaani’s thoughts, the violations he caused by staying close Ritika, realizing it was too late. But he had promised to be faithful to her. Ranveer knew once he married Ritika, he would have to be loyal to her. Yes, his mind kept wandering but it would have to come back to Ritika eventually.