The Write Match // Bill Hader

Twenty-Five

"Something is going on and you're not telling me." He mumbles.

"Everything is fine. I'm fine. Go get ready." I say quickly and he shakes his head, leaving Kristen's dressing room.

The show begins and I take my seat in the audience beside John. We watch the cold open and Seth Rogen's monologue. Once commercial break begins, I walk back to his dressing room with him, carrying his Vinny Vedecci suit with me. He stands, buttoning his shirt and I stand to the side until he needs my help. He holds the jacket in his hand and I tie his tie, avoiding eye contact, but I can feel him looking down at me.

"Okay, you can go ahead and put the jacket on." I breathe out. I button the cuffs on his shirt and straighten his collar, and take a step back to make sure that everything is in its place. "Everything looks good. You're ready." I tell him.

"Thank you, Meredith." He looks over at me. "I really mean it, thank you for everything." He smiles and I shrug.

"It's my job." I speak without thinking and realize how that must sound to him. I see the look on his face and instantly regret what I said. "John had to leave early, so I think I'm going to go back to my apartment. I'm really not feeling the best. You're coming there after the show, right?" I ask and he nods.

"Yeah, if that's okay?" He says me and the tension is growing more and more the longer we stand here, making me want to run. He goes to the stage and I leave the studio, going straight home. I put my things down, deciding to go to the roof of my apartment building instead of my bed or the couch. I find a seat, wrapping myself in a blanket, looking out at a city that I've always dreamed of living in and have loved for so long.

I fully take it in now, knowing that I'll only be here for a couple more months. After the season is over, I have to pack my things. I never fully appreciated my time or anything here, and I know there are many things that I never appreciated enough before they were gone.

Bill is one of those many things. He is one of the best things to happen to me. It was only supposed to be one night, not even one night, it was supposed to be strictly business. I made the move when I was drunk and sometimes I wish I never even went to the bar that night, sometimes I wish I would have just went to my apartment, that way we wouldn't have gotten into this mess.

There are times when I'm thankful for making that move, kissing him when I did because I wouldn't have felt any of this if I didn't. The dread of having feelings for someone again was there of course, but I don't mean that. I mean being free, after feeling trapped for so long and learning that there's so much more to life besides making money. Good people and good friends exist. There are good and happy times, and I never would have opened up to experience those things if it wouldn't have been for Bill.

I wipe my tears away, taking a deep breath, and embrace this feeling. I would normally suck it up and stop, but I've done that to myself enough. No one else is here, it's just me, for right now. Bill shouldn't be here for a little while. Right now, I'm sad, and I'm learning that it's okay, and perfectly normal, to be sad. I used to tell myself that New York is just a place, just like New Haven, but this is my home.

New York is where I got my start, and I'm leaving my home to start over again. I'm sad, and upset at how I handled this with Bill. I'm mad at myself for not being strong enough. Everything I've ever pushed away is hitting me hard right now and it's a lot to process.

A couple hours pass and I walk back downstairs to my apartment. I take a shower, getting ready for Bill to get here. I'm starting to feel better physically, but mentally I'm suffering, and it's my fault. I look at the time, wondering why he isn't here yet, but I hear my phone ringing and I know it's him.