The Write Match // Bill Hader

Twenty-Five

"This is so exciting, Meredith. You're already successful here, and you're about to become even more successful at one of the most popular late night shows." He's excited for me, but I'm excited for me too. And so proud of myself.

We went to lunch together today and I'm really happy about the decision I made. But the reality of the decision hit me as I watch Bill laugh at Seth across the table. I won't see him everyday, I won't be working with him anymore, I won't be with him anymore.

After talking with John a few days ago and realizing that I'm in way too deep, I started putting space between us. We've been in each others apartments, but I've been successful in my efforts, trying to make things as easy as possible between us, that way no one gets hurt, but it's hurting me. This hurts. I don't want to do this, I don't want to leave him and forget everything that happened between us, but I know this pain is small compared to what it will be like whenever I leave for Los Angeles.

We share the same bed each night, but our backs face each other. It's like we're strangers again and what's bothering me the most, he hasn't said anything about it. This isn't the first time that I've tried to put space between us. I've tried to push him away before, but he would always push back harder. He always reels me back in, and I know it's a good thing that he hasn't tried to. But I can't help to wonder why he hasn't tried to this time.

It's been about two weeks since we visited New Haven, two weeks of space, and I guess this is how things will be when I leave. Bill is supposed to stay in my apartment tonight after the show and he seems excited about it, from the few words we've spoken about it. I want to ask him why he's acting so distant, wondering what is going on in his head, but I know it would be selfish of me, considering this is what I wanted. I walk out of the front door of 30 Rock and I carry my things, moving quickly up the sidewalk to my apartment.

After dropping my things at home, I leave, hoping that Rachel is still at her office and I can talk to her for a little bit. I walk into the office, going to the normal floor and buzzing into her office. After a little bit of waiting, she walks to the glass door, giving me an understanding look and opening the door up. We walk to her office and I take a seat on the couch and she sits across from me.

"Hey Meredith. It's been a while since I've seen you. How are you?" She says, opening her notebook and flipping to a new page.

"I've been okay." I tell her and she nods.

"Before we begin, do you need any refills on any of your medication or are you still doing fine?" She asks and I shake my head.

"I'm still doing well on medication, but I need to talk to you about something. I was offered a job, in Los Angeles, and I accepted it today. So, that means I'll need to find a new therapist and today will probably be my last visit with you." I tell her and her face falls.

"I'm happy to hear that Meredith, but I am going to miss seeing you. I'll get you a couple contacts and I'll make some calls to some of my colleagues in Los Angeles. Is that alright?" She asks and I nod.

After our session I stand and say goodbye to Rachel. I don't feel good. I know it's my anxiety, but it's a lot for me to handle. My stomach and head hurts, and I feel like I could be sick.

I go back to 30 Rock, despite my strong desire to go home. I walk in, going straight for Kristen's dressing room, and I take a seat. No one else is here yet, but I know they will be soon, so I take some time to get myself put together, trying to look normal. I know I don't look well right now, but Bill comes right for me when everyone comes in.

"Meredith, are you okay? You look sick." He leans in front of me and I nod.

"I'm fine. You don't need to worry about it." I say, giving him a soft smile, trying to seem convincing.