Deceret Series #2: Bleed for Love

Epilogue

"His name is Franco," Thyron proudly says, a little too loud for Kenna to hear. "And this is Freuss."

I touched the tip of his nose, just to feel something. Seeing him makes me feel so emotional. I know it's just wishful thinking, and would probably never happen to me now that I've lost her. But I am curious, will I ever feel even a fraction of happiness that Thyron feels about becoming a father?

I could almost picture it in my mind—a young boy with forest eyes, running around the house. Someone to play basketball with or to go fishing with. Or whatever it is that interests him. I don't care, as long as he's happy. He can be whover he wants, do whatever he wants. A clingy bean, with voice as soft as his mother's and a touch that feels like home.

My short-lived fantasy came crushing down on me when my gaze moved from the boy to his mother.

It just wouldn't be my reality if it isn't with Czarina.

My eyes fill. With my shoulders stopping with the burden of grief, I returned Franco to his father and exited the hospital room. Out of desperation, I hurriedly went to my car and drove to Czarina's old apartment.

Of course, she wasn't there. I was a fool to hope that when I left, she will be where exactly I had left her. That she'll be waiting for me with open arms and her gentle smile.

Tumitig ako sa saradong pinto at bumuntong-hininga.

The 'FOR RENT' sign glares at me with accusation. I leaned my head against the steering wheel of my car, trying to remember her scent, her laugh, her hair, her everything.

This is the most painful part about grief—you think about the person every day while you start losing memories of her.

A shiver passes through me. I could barely walk with the grief hanging heavily like Atlas holding up the world on his shoulders for all eternity. Only her could take away this punishment. Only her could grant me my redemption.

Tangina, bakit ako bumitaw?

The broken look on her face when we parted ways hunts me like a nightmare. Just when I thought I've memorized all of her, it was a shock to see her like that. Para akong dinudurog sa tuwing naaalala ko kung paano niya pinipigilan ang luha at ang nanginginig na labi.

"Remember Cathy from Sta. Veronica?" Thyron said one time while we were video-calling. He's not facing the camera, and I can see him changing the diapers of his son.

"Yeah?" I answered lazily while looking out in the sun. I'm alone in my studio in Baltimore, and just when I thought I am immune to loneliness, this morning is especially sorrowful for some unknown reason.

"She's a model now!" Thyron ranted, though his voice is slowly drifting into the wind with my busy mind. "Na-realize niya siguro na hindi para sa kaniya ang volleyball!" humalakhak pa siya. "You should follow her on Instagram, bro. I think she's still into you."

I rolled my eyes and insisted to see his son instead of his stupid face. Binuhat ni Thyron si Franco at ihinarap sa camera. He is getting bigger and stronger, with sharp eyes from his mother. The rosy-fingered Freuss is sleeping peacefully in the background. Both of them heavily took features from Kenna. Walang kamukha si Thyron sa dalawa. Kenna may have left him already, but in more ways than one, she will always be with Thyron.

After the call ended, Thyron sent me the link of her Instagram profile. Inignora ko ito at sa halip ay tinangkang hanapin ang account ni Czarina. She blocked me when we broke up, and even with a dummy account, I couldn't search her profile. Maybe she really deleted her account.

I have no idea what she's doing right now or how she looks like. Her image is vivid in my mind, with fiery eyes dark and seductive and fierce—as she always is. I quickly grabbed my brush and with desperation fueling the veins of my arms, I started to paint her. For the nth time.