My Personal Diary

October 2, 2020

Hello to anyone who is reading this,

I am currently rewatching Once Upon a Time. I just finished my homework that was due today.

I am not feeling well.

I am feeling depressed and bad things keep running through my mind. I want to make them stop, but they just won't.

Let me tell you guys what has happened to me these past few weeks, I was in a really dark place and started questioning everything about my life like if my friends and family really love me or if I should even be continuing in this useless world. I decided to take some time for myself because I was feeling some type of way to my best friends and needed to decide if what I was feeling was truly me or if it was my mind make me believe things that just weren't true.

I took a 3 week break without letting them know until one of them messaged a few days later. I let them know since she was the only one who asked me if I was okay since I had not replied in a while. I told her I needed to take some time off for my mental, emotional, and physical health which was true.

I know I should have told them that I wanted to take a hiatus from everything, but at that moment I had to decide what was best FOR ME. 

I was active on twitter since that was basically the only form of social media I can express my emotions on. I tweeted out saying I don't have friends and some other tweets and they found it disrespectful and thought I was shading them which was not the case. Those "shade" tweets were about something else in my life that was happening which I will get into later. Now with the tweets saying that I don't have friends is something I always say and they never have said anything about, in fact, they even reply to those tweets and say "what about me?" and etc. and I always reply with excluding y'all and so forth. Why they took offense from those tweets I don't know, but it's whatever at this point. 

I hate looking weak so I bottle everything inside and the more I kept inside the more it hurt me. Whenever I feel like this I tend to avoid everyone because I don't want to say anything I don't mean and want to focus and try to fix myself. I know no one can help so there's no point in communicating with someone that probably will give me useless advice of saying "it'll be okay I promise" or "it'll pass". 

I spoke to them recently and they told me how they felt and I understood everything they said and understood why they were upset. I apologized and told them that if they wanted to keep talking to me it's okay and if they don't then it's okay, as well.

I realize that I hurt them and I am sorry about that, but I AM NOT sorry for taking time for myself and figuring out why I was feeling the way I was feeling.

I am okay being by myself. I mean I have been by myself my whole life and I'm still doing good by that. I love my friends, but the fact they made it seem as if I was in the wrong to take some time off for my mental health is where I drew the line. I don't beg for anyone. Hell, I don't even beg my mom for anything what makes them think that I am going to beg for them to talk to me?

Anyways, it's almost 2 in the morning and I am getting sleepy, so I am going to leave.

P.S I actually really like doing this. Since I have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff this felt really nice to just let go and express how I felt.

I will talk to you when I have the chance 😌