Suicide Watch

Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

Temi's POV

I have felt a lot of pain in my life. Pain that I would much rather have gone about not feeling. Honestly, I thought all that was behind me. I was convinced that life was going to go smoothly from now on. Sure, there would be the occasional struggles, but mostly, I'd get by alright.

I was wrong.

I shift over in my bed slightly. The sheets smell stale and I know I should probably wash it. I catch a waft of myself, realizing that the bedsheets aren't the only things that need washing. These thoughts only register for a split-moment, as my mind is now elsewhere.

My room is dark. I don't know what time it is. I don't know how long it has been since the funeral. Two weeks? Three weeks? Has it been an entire month yet? I'm usually mostly in my bed these days. I used to cry at first but now I just feel extremely empty, so I usually just pass the time sleeping. Everything seems so much better when I'm not conscious.

My phone rings. I reach over and silence it without even checking the caller ID before turning over in bed and drifting back to sleep.

Once again, my mind replays the events all over again. The familiar feeling of guilt spreads through me. I should have figured it out earlier. I should have known.

Grace usually got her slumps of depression, but that was normal Grace. She got it and then by the next week she was fine again, back to being the usual bubbly Grace. I knew she had it, but I didn't think the last time was any different. But I should have known. It was weird for her to want us to re-watch the entire Marvel movies. We re-watched the Marvel movies every Christmas. We designated watching Marvel movies for Christmas. Grace knew that. I knew that.

So why didn't I realize something was wrong at the time?

Grace had been quiet that night. She didn't laugh at all the usual points that she used to. She just stared, watching the screen in the tiny living room. She was there, but not really there. Sometimes I wonder if I had already lost her then. If she was only gone and it was only her physical state left behind- floating, wandering loosely.

I thought nothing of it. I just attributed it all to her going through one of her episodes. That was normal Grace. We had been best friends since middle school- I knew how she was. So I thought nothing about it then. Not a moment has gone by that I do not regret doing so. I wish I had thought about it deeper. Pondered on it a bit more.

A few days later, Grace had gone back home to see her family. I thought little of it. That was a usual thing that Grace did. Her family lived a lot closer to the city where we attended College. Unlike in my case, Grace was pretty close-knitted with her family and visited often. I can go months without seeing my family and I would be content. I don't detest them or anything, we just aren't that type of family.

It was a Friday night. Grace had left the afternoon the day before. I had just gotten back to our shared apartment from doing homework at the campus library when I noticed it. The little purple gift bag seated on the kitchen table. I knew it was from Grace and I had smiled to myself. I didn't realize that would be the last time I would smile in a while.

It was a mini-tradition we had. We sometimes bought each other gifts and left them randomly scattered around the apartment for the other to find. There wasn't really any special occasion attached to this gift giving- it was just something we did. We gave each other presents all year round, apart from birthdays and Christmas. Yes, it was odd. But that was why we did it. It was our idea of rebelling against societal norms that we came up with back in 9th grade and it stuck ever since.

I had immediately gone to open the gift bag when I saw the piece of paper scribbled in Grace's handwriting telling me not to open the gift till the morning after. That was weird. But I thought nothing of it. I only laughed to myself and rolled my eyes. Then I carried on my evening like everything was normal. I cooked dinner and settled in the living room watching reruns of 90's sitcoms when I caught sight of the gift bag on the kitchen table.

This time I did think about it. I thought about how Grace had never asked me to wait till a certain time until I opened a gift from her. Then a brief memory popped into my head. It was from Junior year of High School, when Marcus Scuz, the guy Grace had been dating at the time, had given her a birthday present a few days before her birthday but then told her not to open it till her birthday. It had driven Grace mad. According to her, there was absolutely no reason anyone should do that- why not just wait till her birthday to give her the gift.

There were a few moments in which everything in the world seemed to freeze. The show playing on the TV seemed to have gone mute, and for a moment, I felt like I was in a vacuum. There was no air, no sense of time. Nothing. Then I released the breath I was holding and everything seemed to fall onto me.

In a moment, I was on my feet. I dug into the gift bag sitting on the kitchen table to realize there was no gift-only another note. My hands were shaky as I unfolded the note. I had a feeling of what I was going to see before I saw it. But I was still hopeful. It was the first two words at the top that sent me off the end:

I'm sorry.

In a flash, I was back in the living room, feeling through the couch for my phone. Immediately I found it, I was ringing Grace's mother. I had not bothered to read the rest of the letter then. I was too scared of what I might see.

Grace's mother picked up on the third ring:

"Hello, Temi honey. How are you doing?"

I was instantly analyzing her voice. It sounded normal. That must mean that nothing was wrong. I was clinging on to that hope.

"Where's Grace?" I asked. I needed to confirm that everything was okay. That she was okay and clearly I was just worrying. I had over thought this whole thing, as I often did.

"She's in her room," her mom replied. "She called it an early night today. Is everything okay, honey? You sound tense."

"I need to speak to her. Give the phone to Grace." I was blunt; borderline rude. But given the circumstances.

There was a pause. "I'm heading up to her room now. Is everything okay?"

I didn't reply for a while, but just listened to the sound of Grace's mom's footsteps as she walked. I could envision her walking up the marble staircase in their household. Her footsteps sounded in beat with the thumping of my heart.

My palms had suddenly become sweaty, my breath was shallow. Maybe it was my intuition, but silent tears were already rolling down my face.

"Temi, are you okay?" Grace's mom asked again after I didn't reply.

"I just want to know that Grace is okay." I whispered.

A few moments later, there was the sound of a knock on a door, followed by the sound of a door being opened.

"Grace honey, I have Temi on the line for you-" The sound of Grace's mom's voice was cut off abruptly. When I heard her voice again, it was in the form of a loud, anguishing scream.

It was too late. I hung up the call then.