No Going Back (Nyck de Vries X OC)

A memory in the form of a nightmare (Part 1)

"I take it you have enjoyed yourself," I remarked as I joined him. It appears I have made another friend. It means I have a chance to lose someone else. I don't know why I am thinking like this. I just need to trust the car and my skill. It has been three months and Anthoine, Mick and I have become good friends. We are currently at Spa for the latest event. I am a little on edge. It is due to the fact that Spa is the most dangerous track on the calendar. Right now I am making my way back to the garage after the last of my media duties before the free practice. I am soon intercepted by Nyck. He is my championship rival.

"So Nyck are you ready to lose?" I tease.

"We shall see what happens," Nyck replies. I take the remark as a sign that our friendship has survived intact. After a conversation with Nyck, I head back to the garage. There is a lot to do for the two races. After two sessions nothing significant has happened which means I should be fine. It is the day after I am getting ready for the sprint race. The annoying thing is I haven't qualified well. It means that I will have to make up places. It doesn't take long for the race to start. After three laps I am keeping an eye on a battle ahead of me. I am looking for a gap but instead, I witness the second-worst crash. Juan Manuel Correa has collided with Anthoine. Since I am the closest person and my car has damage from debris I bring the car to a safe stop. I leap out of the car so I can help. I head to JM first.

"Help Anthoine," He mumbles as he slips into unconsciousness. I gave him a quick look over. He is right, he should be alright compared to Anthoine. My heart races as I make it over the wreck of Anthoine's car. What I see shocks me. Anthoine is slumped as far as the HANS device would let him be. I get to work on making the rescue crew's job easier. The last thing I do is get his helmet and balaclava off since there is minimal risk of a fire. By that time the rescue crew has arrived. Hope soon fades as the rescuers pull Anthoine's body from the wreck. There was no way that he could have survived without permanent damage. I collapsed in shock. This can't be happening. Not again. I can't lose another friend. My mind is a fuzzy mess of emotions. I am helped up by one of the rescuers.

"Jess, can you hear me?" He asks to check on me. I can hear him but I can't bring myself to speak. Instead, I nod. I am not physically hurt but I have come to the conclusion that I will no longer be contesting the 2019 formula 2 championship. It doesn't take me long to have my worst fear confirmed.

"I'm sorry Jess but Anthoine didn't make it," A different rescuer says. Bloody hell. Why do I bother getting closer to people? It only ends in disaster. It has been thirty minutes since the crash and I have been given a clean bill of physical health. I find myself back at the corner where it happened. My head is swirling with negative emotions. I need a way to drown them that is not stupid. First my brother, now Anthoine. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look to find Mick towering over me.

"Jess it's my time to help," Mick announces as he joins me on the ground.

"No Mick. I can't let you get close to me," I try to verbally push him away.

"Too late," Mick retorts. I get up to emphasize my point. Mick is persistent. That is until I lash out. I landed a blow on his chest. He is shocked at the power behind the punch.

"Mick I swear I'll Bloody lose you as well," I yell. Deep down I know I will regret my actions but like my mum, I cannot lose another friend even if it means separating myself from them. It is the day after and both the Formula 1 and 2 grids have assembled for a minute's silence. There is only one thought going through my mind. I need help. It has been a week since then and this is my first time out of my small apartment since arriving back in Monaco. Thankfully the team principal has respected my decision to take the rest of the season off. With the help of Nyck, I have reached out to a therapist. I soon reach the building that holds the practice. I let the receptionist know that I am here. The cleanliness of the waiting room contrasts the cloud in my mind. After five minutes of waiting, I am summoned into a small office where I am greeted by an interesting looking man. I assume he is the one that will be talking to me. Well yes, Captain Obvious he is the only one here. I scold myself for my lack of judgment.

"Welcome, Jess. Would you mind telling me what brought you here?" the man asks. With that question, I clam up but I am able to take a deep breath.

"I lost my brother and one of my best friends. They were both race car drivers," I timidly responded.

"That would be Jules and Anthoine," He clarifies. I nod. Hearing their names makes the feeling of guilt worse. It should have been me not Anthoine. He had a career coming his way. Instead, it was taken away from him. It was the same for my brother. As the session goes on I feel more and more helpless. The session soon comes to an end and I do feel a tiny glimmer of hope. It has been a few days since I commenced therapy and I am debating whether or not I should go out. The debate is soon settled by a knock on the door. I open the door to find both Mick and Nyck. Their arms are laden with food. Why are they being kind to me? I don't deserve it.

"I'm just going to warn you, Jess, Mick won't take no for an answer," Nyck remarks. Well, that settles my debate. I can't exactly say no to free food.

"Ok," I responded. I should be happy that my friends want to help me but I don't want to lose them as well. I let them in. Thankfully Mick is quick to find the kitchen.

"Nyck do you mind if I talk to Mick alone for a second?" I ask. There is something I need to say to Mick. It will be the first step towards getting better. Nyck nods as he leaves.

"What can I do for you?" Mick asks.

"I need to apologise for pushing you away. After the crash, something in my mind snapped. It scares me to think that we are not invincible," I find myself giving Mick a long-winded explanation.

"Don't worry about it. If it makes you feel any better I have doubts of my own," Mick replies. Of course, he has a famous last name to live up to. It doesn't take long for me to summon Nyck back. We get to work on cooking the food. It is nice to see both healthy and unhealthy options. After thirty minutes of cooking, we are finished. For some reason, it makes the glimmer of hope slightly bigger. I am glad that both Mick and Nyck are stubborn otherwise I would have pushed them away completely. I am starting to feel like a new person but I know I have a long way to go.