You may have been hearing rumors that Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are together. You might think "cute couple" or "they make me want to hurl." We know what you mean. But Anna Faris and Chris Pratt? Bullshit. I have the true story for you guys.
We met at the Guardians of the Galaxy premiere. Yes, me and Chris Pratt. True story. Anyway. I didn't know what that movie was about, and I still don't know. But that doesn't matter; all I needed to know was that Chris Pratt was in it.
So I go down to the local theater, get one ticket. (Yes, one SINGLE ticket. I'm single. Well, was.) I grab the plastic giant of popcorn and walked into the theater. Oh No! I was about to miss it. The roller coaster that like magically transforms you? You know what I mean? Ya. Don't deny it. We all pretend we're actually on that roller coaster.
So I rush to my seat, paying no attention to my surroundings, and stare at the screen, and move left and right along with the roller coaster on the screen. The popcorn kernel is on the screen; it pops. I jump, then finish "riding" my roller coaster. Now, in seconds, I was going to regret ever jumping at that popcorn kernel.
The roller coaster finishes. I lean back in my seat, and I turn to the left to set my drink in the little "drink hole" (is what I like to call it. *dirty laugh.*) But then I dropped my drink. Cause of what I saw. I saw Chris Pratt. I just spilled my soda on Chris Pratt.
"Oh. I. Um. Soda. Um. Um. Sorry. I. It was. Well. I." I said. This was actually one of the biggest phrases I will ever say to Chris Pratt.
Then I fainted. Yup, that escalated quickly. I mean, what can I say? Chris Pratt was sitting there, with MY soda all over his lap.
So I woke up with him leaning over me, while I was laying on the floor of the movie theater. Then I fainted again. Actually, I fainted a few times until I finally got myself under control.
So I finally woke up, and I was laying on the escalator. Yes, I was slowly going down the escalator. I have no idea how I got here. I still don't know.
Anyway.
So I reached the bottom of the escalator, and Chris Pratt was waiting at the bottom. At this point, I was kind of just laying on the floor and he was just standing up straight. Looking down at me.
"Do you wanna lay down on the bench?" Chris Pratt said to me.
I think I mumbled a yes somehow, then he PICKED ME UP. Yes, true story. He layed me down on the bench under the Pitch Perfect 2 poster. Yes, Pitch Perfect 2 was coming out while the Guardians of the Galaxy was premiering.
So and then I fainted. I swear, this is the last time. Well, for this part. But I had a reason to faint; Chris Pratt had picked me up.
So I woke up and looked around, and I couldn't seem to find the sexy manbeast. I mean- Chris Pratt. Then I saw him in the corner. With Anna Faris. I can't believe he would do this. I mean, we were practically DATING at this point.
I walked over, and when I got there they kind of just stopped talking and looked at me for a few seconds of awkward silence. That was when I realized I had nothing to say to them.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" Anna Faris said to me.
I can't believe she even had the guts to say that. I mean, my boyfriend was sitting right next to her. So I had to do something.
"He's mine, bitch," I said. This is the biggest phrase I will ever say to Anna Faris.
And then I walked away.
I had revenge in store for her.
But before I left the theater, I heard them talking about a "date." Is Chris Pratt cheating on me?? Whatever. I'm better than that bitch. And I WAS going to show up at that date.
