Your Mind Is A Stream of Colors (ReaderxJosh Kiszka)

Prologue

It was 2017 and after years of garage practices with the guys, they were finally leaving the small town in Michigan behind to embark on their first tour.  That also meant leaving you behind.  You weren't surprised by any means, but that didn't make it hurt any less. 

Their friendships had been all you've ever known.  You had never been "one of the girls", at least, you didn't particularly enjoy the company of the other young women you had grown up with.  It was always the Kiszka kids and Danny.  You didn't need anyone else and you were fine with that.  Ronnie filled the gap for any girl time you needed and the guys covered everything else between Josh's dramatics and Sam's extensive taste in records.  Jake always kept you reading whatever book he had his nose stuck into at the time while Danny had become the brother you never had.

It was a nice escape from the lonesome life you had at home being an only child.  The five of them kept you busy and you knew Karen's door was always open for you.  Your own parents were wonderful and you loved them to death, but the quiet was deafening most days.  It was very much a routine that you had grown sick of in the earlier days of your prepubescent experience. 

Sam had called your house on the landline that sat on the kitchen counter that Sunday afternoon.  You had been outside in the backyard soaking up one of the first sunny days that spring while your mother was inside binge watching soap operas.  She had called through the screen door to you with the receiver pressed to her shoulder. 

"What's up, Sammy?"  You asked, grabbing the phone from her with a smile before going into the front room to plop down on the sofa. 

And that was how you ended up standing on the Kiszka family's front lawn with the six of them, plus Danny and his parents.  Two large white vans were parked on the curb while Kelly and Dan loaded various instrument cases and duffel bags into the backs.  It was a cool Friday morning with a foggy mist lingering around as the sun rose higher in the sky.  The weather didn't do much to help embody the way you were feeling.

You pulled the sleeves of your hoodie down over your palms and grasped the edges with your fingers as the guys talked to each other in excitement.  While they were anticipating their long-awaited adventure, you couldn't help but feel a bit somber.  There was a big part of you that was happy for them, but in that moment, you had been feeling selfish.  Everything you had ever known was about to change.  Every single sense of comfort you had was going to disappear as soon as those two vehicles pulled away.  You wanted to relish in the moment and make it a good memory that you could cherish for the months to come.  It wasn't going to happen with how much deeper your heart plummeted the closer it got to 10A.M.

"Hey, Y/N," Josh called over to you.  Sam and Jake were engaged in a deep conversation about which was better, Fender or Gibson.  The topic would eventually be written off as both guys were stubborn in their opinions.  It wasn't the first time you heard the debate and surely, it wouldn't be the last. 

You left your place beside Ronnie who picked up a conversation with Danny and their mothers.  Josh walked a ways over from the group and stood beneath the tall oak on the edge of the yard to, what you assumed, would give you some privacy. "Hey," you breathed out.

The one thing about Josh that always got you was his exuberance.  He was always loud and boisterous unlike his brothers and had absolutely no issue commanding the room around him.  He had a tendency to bring out the fun side in you.  On paper, you were a pretty shy person even around your friends.  You were always quieter than the rest.  Still, when you were around Josh that disappeared and you would belly laugh at his failure to land a joke or keep a smile on your face just to see his cheeky grin.

All the while, he still had a certain tenderness around you.  His extreme personality subdued slightly and he grew calmer in your presence.  If you were having a rough day, oddly it wasn't Sam who would come to your rescue to cheer you up.  It was Josh.  He would do whatever he could within his power to get you to talk to him about what was on your mind.  Sometimes it was an issue you had with your parents or just life in general and he always had some sort of age old advice to give to you.  He would speak proverbs and quote musicians and remind you just how important it was to love and welcome every emotion with an open mind.  It was nurturing.

Since your teenage years, you had developed a crush on him.  It never once came to fruition.  Not even Sam or Ronnie knew about it, or you hoped.  If they did, they never brought it up.  It was your own little secret that you didn't want to share.  Keeping it your own was torture, but it was safe.  There were no risks keeping it bottled up.  You never had to worry about ruining a years old friendship or making anything awkward.  It was normal for you to conceal it and for the most part, that was okay with you.

Josh took a deep breath and locked his wondrous chocolate-hued eyes with yours before he spoke.  His right brow was tensed like he was in distress and as soon as the movement appeared, it went away.  His facial structure smoothed as the words flowed.

"This is it, huh?"  He pondered as he leaned his shoulders back against the sturdy trunk.
"What do you mean?"  Your heart sank at his choice of words.
"We're going to be gone straight through to the end of the year and then we're moving to Nashville."

Nashville?!  Sam never told you that. You knew he and Danny were putting off college after their graduation but for all four of them to completely up and move?  You knew the day would be hard, but you didn't expect a bombshell like this to be dropped. The entire week leading up to them leaving for tour was hard enough for you and they decided they were just going to leave Frankenmuth entirely?

You breathed out a laugh of disbelief. "You're joking."
Josh broke the eye contact. "I'm really not. We make the move right after Christmas.  We've already signed off on a cabin outside of the city."
"So what? I get to just sit around here and wait for you guys to come back?" There were hot, angry tears threatening to spill over your eyelids.  You hadn't realized how loud your voice was carrying to the group behind you.  The others had grown silent.
"No," he started, but you cut him off.
"You guys give me hardly any notice at all that you're leaving for tour which is great and all and I'm really excited for you.  But now, of all times, is when you want to drop this on me?  Do you have any idea how hard this is?"
"Jesus, Y/N!  It doesn't matter how hard it is because it's happening!" Josh snapped then and his eyes darted behind me to the rest of his family before bouncing back to me. "You're going to have to find a way to cope because we won't be here to pick up the pieces."

You were being selfish and you knew it.  His reaction was totally justified.  However for such a peaceful human being, it was still uncharacteristic for Joshua Kiszka.  You had riled him up and whatever came after was fair.  You wanted a reaction, wanted to see that he valued your feelings.  Maybe he cared and that was why he was telling you about the move, but then again maybe he never did.

Tears were rolling down your face.  They stung your cheeks in the brisk air as they streaked down and dripped off your chin.  You couldn't find the words to respond.  All there was sat a heaviness that felt like a million tons growing in your chest.  You looked behind you and everyone was staring. Of course they were.  Most all had a look of pity, but Sam especially looked like he was about to cry right there with you.  You were sure nobody knew what to say when he started to speak up.

"You know-"  Sam's soft voice started to speak as you turned on your heel and walked past him.
"Just don't."

That was the last time you spoke to any of the guys.  It killed you to end things there, but it wasn't like you had much of a choice.  They were leaving.  That was it.  You didn't want to live in their world and work around their schedules and the fast life of rock n' roll they were about to lead.  You wanted it to be the world you shared with them where you went to the local high school football games and sat on the couch in the corner of the garage while they played too loud.  You didn't want anything to change because it was too much for you to handle.  You knew things would never be the same and you were excited for them.  You honestly, truly were.  This is all they had talked about for the last five years.  That didn't make it any better that it felt like they were ripping themselves out of your life for good.