SAVED ☆ Bang Chan [COMPLETED]

20

“I did!” He protests with a scowl, turning his gaze on me. “It was when I was going to school one day in winter and it was dark, this white thing popped up infront of me.”

“It was probably Chan. He’s white enough and terrifying when he hasn’t had sleep,” Seungmin speaks through a mouthful of biscuits, his eyes in lazy slits as he regards his friends. Chan glares at him, covering his face.

"No it wasn't Chan," Minho rolls his eyes, then he drops his voice to a quiet whisper. "It was tall, I coukd see through it and when it turned to me it suddenly went BANG!"

Minho yells the last part and jumps at Jisung with his hands outstretched, making the younger boy scream as if his life depends on it. The rest of us burst into laughter, watching with amusement as Jisung throws his marshmallows at a satisfied Minho.

"I still think it was Chan," Seungmin says, turning to look at the man sat beside me. "Look how pale he is right now. Paler than the moon."

“I am not that pale,” Chan whines, clutching at his cheeks. “I might be ugly, but I don’t look like a ghost.”

I frown at that.“You’re not ugly.”

Chan turns to me in surprise, his face inches away from mine. His face glows orange with the fire, his eyes dancing with gold from the embers flying around. “What?”

I blush, looking away from him and into the small campfire despite the anxiety the flames are causing. “I said you’re not ugly. You’re … handsome.”

The boys grow quiet and stare at us wide eyed as the silence thickens, and I shift in my position, the atmosphere becoming awkward.

“Thank you,” Chan says quietly then, focusing on skewering another marshmallow.

I bite my lip and look away, feeling foolish. I shouldn’t have said anything - he probably thinks I’m even more weird than before.

I probably went too far. I mean ... who actually calls their friend handsome?

Jisung clears his throat and launches into an exaggerated tale of how he apparently slaughtered a ghost before, and I'm grateful for him diverting everyone's attention again but I zone out as my mind wanders. Chan sits in silence, grinning occasionally at his friends but he doesn't speak again. He doesn’t look at me again either, and I get the sudden suffocating feeling that I might have screwed our bond up by running my stupid mouth again.

I get up suddenly, my skewer and empty bag of marshmallows tumbling to the ground as they slip from my lap. The boys all look up at me, confusion in their faces.

“Where are you going?” Chan asks then, a marshmallow frozen half way to his mouth.

I run my eyes over the quiet circle, my gaze following them. Jisung’s eyes are large, Minho's calm facade gives way to an air of curiosity as he watches me with his cat like expression. Felix offers me a soft smile, Changbin's face gentle, Hyunjin grinning at me through his sleepy expression. Jeongin is opening a new bang of sweets and Seungmin has his head cocked to the side, watching me. I swallow the lump brewing in my throat.

These boys, the school’s idols, were fine before I intervened. Just by me suddenly entering their circle, their shoulders have become burdened with my useless problems. They're constantly on edge, and I bet they wish I never bothered them. I should never have befriended them.

“I’m just going to the toilet,” I think quickly, lying through my teeth as my mind suddenly feels as if it has stopped functioning. The laughter and chatter around the various campfires seem distant to me and all I can focus on is the frantic rush of my heartbeat thundering in my ears. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Want me to come with you?” Chan asks, raising his eyebrows. I shake my head, stepping back onto a twig that snaps straight in half, just like the strings connecting my heart together go bust.

“No. I’ll be fine,” I say.

“Let me - ”

I turn away before Chan can finish his sentence and I walk off into the darkness, into the deserted school building, tears rolling down my cheeks again. I laugh bitterly to myself. I am the most pathetic thing ever to have graced this earth. Crying over a stupid comment I made.

I push the red door open, the creaking sounding deafening in the building. I thunder up the stairs anyway, bursting out onto the roof for the third time today, the strong wind wiping the heat away from my cheeks.

I walk over to the wall looking out over the city, the city alive with night sounds, cars driving along, horns honking in the dark. Lights flash in all directions, reminding me of tiny, soundless fireworks. They should be bright, but all I see is dull, flat colours that make the whole world seem ugly in this moment. The familiar smell of petrol and smoke wafts around in the atmosphere, making me choke.

Feeling a sudden, forceful urge, I step onto the wall and stand up straight, letting the wind whip through my loose hair, the beginning of tonight’s heavy rain splattering on my nose. I look out as far as I can, wishing and hoping for the smallest of flicker of emotion to ignite inside of me.

I feel nothing.

A thought whirls across my mind which I instantly dispose of but it comes back, nagging at me to listen. So I begin to consider it.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel sorry for my mother. Having her husband walk out on her at a time of distress can’t be easy, I get that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still hate her. Because I do.

I hate that because of her, my life will never be more than what it is now. Just me, sitting in my bedroom all day, afraid to make a sound, bracing myself for a beating every two minutes. I hate that I’ve always been no one, and that I will always be no one. I’ve always hated myself, more than anyone will ever know, and I despise anything to do with me. I’m a walking disappointment, and that can’t go on anymore.

Shutting my eyes, I picture Chan in my head. Chan’s angelic smile, the way his eyes turn into the prettiest half moons that reflect the stars. Chan’s loving expression as he bandages me up. Chan’s constant show of affection for me on the outside, even if he never felt it on the inside. I let myself smile at the thought of him, allowing myself this one, guilty pleasure, before shutting him out.

Before I can change my mind, I take a last look up at the twinkling stars, before letting out a shaking breath. The blood rushes like a torrential current in the sea in my ears, my heart practically bursting out of my chest, head dizzy with adrenaline. Without looking back, I lift one boot off of the wall, the scream of the wind louder than life as I begin to fall.