Arcane Guardian ↣ Avenged Sevenfold

30 ☼ sealed

He didn't have the guys to reach out too, and he didn't have the two people who would have his back through hell and back. He had no clue how to do this--any of it. 

He didn't really think at all when he got home besides pawing through his cabinets until he found a bottle of benzos and his credit card from his wallet.

☼

"Look James, donthangup," Brian slurred out into his phone two weeks later. The kickoff of a who knows how long bender was great. He felt great. Technically he felt nothing, and he might have stolen some pills from Matt and isn't allowed in his house now, but he felt great. "We need to talk. You know we need to talk. You can't ignore me forever."

"I can try," Jim snapped. "And you can't show up like this to Mandy's funeral." 

Oh yeah. That. Tomorrow night. 

"Why not?" 

"Out of respect for her, but you clearly have none of that, so let me motivate you. David is gonna be there. And if he sees you fucked up he'll give you something to be fucked up from." 

"If I'm feeling better then why do I have to quit." 

"We've had this conversation before." 

"Yeah, and you never give me an answer. You can understand me, right?" 

"Barely a word. You sound like shit. If I hadn't known you for hundreds of years you would sound like a crackhead. Look, Brian, my fucking wife died. My best friend died within hours of it. And I don't exactly see you jumping to help with the funeral. Get your shit together. It's what they would've wanted." 

He didn't expect it's what they would've wanted to sting so much, but it hurt. Badly. He felt the numb high move towards a puking high and barely made it to the toilet fast enough before the contents of his stomach emptied into the bowl. 

☼

Showing up to the funeral sober, with the worst migraine of his life, was a gigantic challenge. He was beyond grateful Jim had even shown up to help him out of bed, make sure he didn't sneak off to do a line in the bathroom, shove a Tylenol or three down his throat, and tie his tie. They didn't really speak much, and it made Brian feel like a huge goddamn baby, but it was the support he needed. 

Noelle watched him from the other side as he stared into the bathroom mirror. "I wish he could feel me." She told Mandy as she rubbed Brian's back. "He's so alone." 

Mandy sighed. "If you had told me a year ago I'd be attending my own funeral, god knows how I'd've reacted."

This made Noelle snort, but then quickly turn back to somber as she saw Brian rub his face with cold water and smack himself a few times not so gently. "How are they gonna do it, Mands?" Noelle said emotionlessly. "They know what death is like. They knew we were in pain. None of them exactly died of old age." 

"They'll live." They watched Brian exit the bathroom. "They have to."

☼

"We are here to celebrate the life and journey of Amanda Enid Haner, who requested previous to her death that her last name be changed to that of her brother who survives her. We are here to celebrate her enduring fight with inoperable brain cancer, but also to celebrate her compassion, her love, and her light. I believe that her husband has a few words to say on her behalf?" The pastor said, gesturing to Jim in the front row.

"This is too weird." Mandy said to Noelle as they sat in a back pew. 

Jim went up to the podium, cleared his throat and pushed up his glasses. "So, nobody prepares you for the speech you make when your wife dies," He awkwardly laughed out some air. "And I really don't know how to do it. I've had to be, uh, fuckin, strong for her, because I know if I had died instead, she would be pushing through a lot better than I am right now. Mandy was the strongest woman I had ever known. The first discussion we ever had was about outlandish conspiracy theories and why we don't trust the government, and if that doesn't speak volumes for our relationship, nothing will. She was the kind of person who could make a room full of people laugh just with her smile, her tone and her personality. She was funny. We were so stupid with the way we would crack each other up. I had never laughed so much in my life before I met her. And she would hate that I'm saying all this about her, she hated people doting on her. But I'd literally kill and die to hear her sarcasm, to have her scream laugh in my ear, to be woken up to share hot pockets and beer and a crazy conspiracy theory. I'm afraid I'll never see her again. But I just keep telling myself a love like this can never truly die." 

"My burnt up body is in that box." Mandy's eyes widened from the back. "Jesus Christ why did I choose to be cremated."

"Oh my god Mandy shut up!" Noelle stifled another giggle as she shoved her. 

"I'm bad at funerals okay," Mandy nervous laughed. "Especially my own. Laughing is kind of how I'm coping with leaving the mortal plane." 

"Would anyone else like to say some words about Mandy?"

Noelle was deeply surprised to see Brian's hand shoot up. He was nodded up to the podium, and she gazed at him with a specific sadness she had never experienced before. 

"Your little sister isn't supposed to die before you," He breathed out. She could clearly see just how exhausted he was. "Especially so young. Mandy was the craziest bitch I have ever met. That is severely saying something. When we first found each other we didn't know we were siblings, and she thought I was trying to sacrifice my now girlf--" He paused which equally broke Noelle's heart. "She thought I was trying to sacrifice Noelle to a blood cult. But her craziness when you become her friend becomes loyalty and devotion. I miss her, all the time, I find myself wondering what she would tell me if she were here with me. I fucking miss my sister. Every single day. I've been making choices I know she would hate me for. The world is a far worse place without her in it. It's been so hard, on all of us, to know we couldn't save her." He paused. "I really don't know what else to say, besides to hug the people you love a little tighter."

Mandy stayed silent, as Noelle took her hand. Tears slowly fell from her face as she tried to snap out of it, but she couldn't. The tears felt like ice.