Break My Heart Again - EsZan One Shots

The Reason Why (Part 2)

Picking up directly after part 1. I felt inspired by the BTS photo and at this point, we need a little closure, so this will conclude their conversation. I was hoping to give Ozan more of a voice but don't think I did him justice. Anyhow, I hope you guys like it. Don't forget to vote! And thank you for all the kind comments and for reading! Enjoy.

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Ozan felt like he was getting the wind knocked out of his chest. He sat down on the steps, trying to catch his breath and digesting all of her words. Finally, hearing the reason why everything ended the way it did. Two years of wondering, two years coming up with theories, always blaming her, and now finally realizing that it was all his fault. He lost everything he ever wanted with her, their life together, their love, and everything their baby represented in their future. He buries his face into his hands and lets out a sob that was caught in his throat.

Esra sits down next to him.

'This is why I didn't tell you about the baby Ozan. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to be haunted by our baby, like the way I am."

Silence sits between them. Ozan looks up to see Esra looking out. Tears were running down her face. He reaches over and takes her hand and just holds it. She looks down to see his large hand engulfing hers. The irony, she thought.

'I wanted to protect you from this hurt, Ozan. I really did. I've always wanted to protect you, especially from your feelings. I knew if you found out, you'd disappear into your world. And I didn't want that for you, so I took on the burden for the both of us. But it became too much.'

Ozan shakes his head, realizing now that she loved him all along. In the very spot where he first fell in love with her for the same reason. She had the power to protect him from the worst parts of himself, his insecurities. She was always his shelter.

He suddenly closes the space between them and engulfs her in a hug. He buries his head onto her shoulder and sobs.

'I'm sorry, Esra. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm so sorry.'

Esra closes her eyes and inhales his scent. She exhales all her hurt and tears and feeling safe wrapped in his strong arms. It was all she ever wanted, his acknowledgment and his apology.

Ozan continues, 'And I'm sorry you went through the miscarriage by yourself. The last thing I ever wanted was for you to feel like I abandoned you. You must know that.'

She pulls back from their embrace and turns away from him. 'I know, Ozan. I wish I could have told you. I barely knew I was pregnant before I miscarried. I thought I was just tired from working all the time. I miscarried a week after I found out. I couldn't even take care of our baby for a week.'

She closes her eyes, trying to stop her tears. 'I didn't deserve to be our baby's mother.'

"Esra, stop! What are you saying? Why would you say that?!'

'Because I wasn't strong enough. I thought I could do it all, be there for you, provide for us, provide for our baby. But I couldn't do it.'

'You should have told me, Esra. I would have listened to you. I could have been there for you. We could have grieved together instead of you running away.'

"I was just so angry, Ozan. I was so angry at myself, at you, at the world.'

 'I know. I understand now. And I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't tell me, and I couldn't be there for you, Esra.'

They both sat silently, looking out. Esra closed her eyes, feeling a release on her grief.

Ozan finally broke the silence. 'Esra, was it real? Did you really fall in love with me when you came back?'

Esra opens her eyes and looks at him, 'Despite what you think, Ozan, I'm not that good of an actress. It was real.'

'Did you love me when we were married?'

Esra hesitates to answer. Ozan seeing her hesitation, looks down. Immediately all his insecurities started to seep in.

'Yes, I did. Though I guess you can say I didn't recognize it. I certainly didn't want to label it. But yes, I did love you, Ozan. I've always loved you. And even now, after everything you've done to hurt me, I still love you. I tell myself I should hate you and that I should let you go. But I just can't. I swear I must be insane.'

Esra starts laughing at herself while she wipes a tear. And he completely understands her. 'Then we must both be insane because I can't let you go either, Esra. I don't know how to forget a lifetime of love that I have for you. I wanted to forget you, Esra. I wanted you out of my heart. But you're there no matter what I do. I don't think I'll ever not love you.'

They look at each other with weary eyes. Esra then asks, 'So what do we do, Ozan?'

'Maybe this time, we heal. We promise to talk to each other. You won't run away, and I won't disappear in my world. We'll try trusting each other and ....'

'And?'

'And we start all over again.'

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