Break My Heart Again - EsZan One Shots

The Reason Why

Picking up right after fragman 12. This is definitely more from Esra's POV. I'm having a hard time finding the balance and giving Ozan more of a voice. But I hope you guys like it. 

***

'Esra, did we lose our baby?'

'Does it even matter anymore Ozan?'

'Of course, it matters. Is this the reason you left me?'

Esra averts her eyes away from Ozan and stays silent. She stares into the water when a tear falls on her cheek. She quickly wipes it away.

'Esra. Why didn't you tell me? You should have told me!'

She looks at Ozan with anger in her eyes. 'Should have told you?! When?! When should I have told you? All the times you were glued to the computer? All the times I would talk to you only to see you put on your headphones because you had to concentrate?! Or would it be when I was working all the time to pay all the bills? When should I have told you, Ozan?! Huh?'

'Esra what are you talking about? Yes, I was on the computer but I was always around!'

'Around? Sure, Ozan, you were around. Yes, you were physically there but you were mentally checked out whenever I spoke to you. And if you weren't checked out, you would brush me off, telling me how busy you were with your work. At first, I tried to look past it. I knew you were working hard to get your dream off the ground. I tried being patient. But you ignored all the realities of our life Ozan! All the bills, the rent, the taxes! I did my best to support you so you could stay focused. Once the first job wasn't enough to cover the bills, I picked up another job. And you didn't even notice that I was gone for long hours. You never noticed my struggles and how tired I was. I came home ragged and you never once asked me about my day or even acknowledged me.'

'Esra, you think I wanted to work those long hours? Did you think I wanted to spend all my time away from you? I did it for you!! I did it for our future because of how much I loved you.'

'And look where your love took us Ozan. You talked about love like it's the magic solution for everything. But I didn't feel your love Ozan. All I felt was your neglect. And your neglect was the ultimate betrayal within our relationship Ozan. I was drowning and you didn't even notice! When I lost the baby, you weren't there! That night when the power got cut off, and you left me in the dark to go to the internet cafe, I was so distressed by everything and suddenly I was in pain and there was blood everywhere. I couldn't even call you because my phone died and we didn't have any power! I had to walk to Zenyo's in the snow and we walk to the hospital because you took the car. And when Zenyo called and texted you, you ignored all her calls! I needed you Ozan, but you weren't there. I was in that hospital room by myself and you weren't there. And when I got home at midnight, you still weren't home. I waited for you and when you finally came home you just went to sleep. So I'm sorry if I didn't tell you, Ozan. I'm sorry that I couldn't be more patient with you. I'm sorry that I didn't try harder and forced you to listen. I'm sorry my mind couldn't keep up with the stress of everything. I'm sorry my body wasn't strong enough to keep our baby Ozan. Okay? Is that what you want to hear?!'

Ozan crying at this point. Completely gutted by her words.

'I tried telling you every day for months. But every day, the hate inside me grew. The hate I had for myself and the resentment that I had for your neglect. That's why I left you Ozan.'

***