2018

Chapter One

When a boy catches your eye and he treats you as more than a one-night stand, some girls cling to that, is it lack of self-worth? or just hopes to have somebody.

the smallest bit of attention.

at sixteen I met a boy not the first to catch my eye but was the only one to give me that small bit of attention that all the others didn't have to offer. tall, Curley hair and a warm smile, what more could you want? I met him online funny enough but not in a long-distance way. he lived 30 minutes away and wanted to spend hours talking over FaceTime doing that stupid don't hang up till someone fall's asleep or don't hang up at all shit. he was sweet and had a very joyful personality with always some story or funny joke to share, sometimes even just a meme he found on instagram.

he was the oldest of three and was living in the shared custody of both his parents as they had divorced years before. divorce always influences children if involved, whether its just the hurt of parents splitting and falling out of love or being put in the middle of an unhealthy divorce. but even some of the time it damages relationships between the child and parent or parent's.

I was in no rush to meet a stranger I met online in person especially because he wanted to go on a date but after weeks of banter over the phone and his constant persisting to take me for one of my favourite meals I agreed. I don't think anything will give me a stronger mix of anxiety and insecurity than going on a first date, the stress of finding something nice to wear that doesn't make you look fat, having the perfect hair and makeup and if they're really the person you've been talking to online and that they haven't created some fake personality to reel you in. my biggest issue was body insecurity , im not skinny and like to try to be body positive but when most people like to say "you'd be so much cuter if you lost some weight". it takes a toll on your self-esteem hearing that. especially when you grew up in a generation that only desired body type was skinny and petite. the early 2000s were a generation that damaged young girls self-image on what's hot and what's not. oh, what it would be like to grow up in a society that didn't fat shame young girls, but even today its still an issue just with a bit more awareness of how its wrong and what it can do to people.

you also can't forget the stress of getting your makeup right. is your false lash going to stick up or making a mess of your eyeliner and having to possibly start over. I was going through a pink eyeshadow faze at the time and did a light pink look with winged eyeliner and mascara not wanting to look super caked with makeup as I've never thought I was the best at foundation and conture and wanting to feel secure enough to look like myself.

its also always been true I've never been one to know how to style hair, im 5'1 with long pink hair and because of my lack of hairstyling skills my go to was to straighten it and not feel silly about it when really it just made my face look more round.

I remember getting ready for my first date, he wanted to talk on the phone, but I had told him no and that I would text him well I got ready as I was seeing him within a few hours, along with not wanting him to see the anxiety and panic I was going through well doing my makeup and picking something cute to wear.

I remember going through so many outfit options but not feeling as any were a good balance of casual but said "I tried to look cute". I remember settling on a pair of blue denim jeans and a black knit sweater with a V-neck cut and white running shoes. out of honest thought I didn't like what I was wearing but was best I could do at the time as I lived in a small town with no place to get a nice outfit last minute.

I was only sixteen, so I had no means of travel other than family and friends driving me and as reluctant as I was to mention a boy in my life, I had told my mom but as a surprise I didn't have to be driven by her, my sister and her friend had planned to drive me. but news quickly spread throughout my family about me seeing a boy for the first time. of course, I got the calls and texts from relatives saying they wanted to hear all the details about how my date does, im a pretty closed off person so that attention was truly uncomfterable to me and always will be.