Left In The Dark

Chapter 18

I looked down following her gaze. My arms were folded over my abdomen. I pulled them apart and rested each hand on a knee.

"What has your week been like? Like, in terms of your mood, your disposition, your thoughts?" She quizzed.

I thought about Lazaro and our date. I offered the first word that came to mind.

"Stressed."

I rubbed my forehead.

"From what?"

"My friends have been really hounding me recently."

Her eyebrows rose in a manner that suggested further elaboration. "About?"

"... They've been encouraging me to date again." I answered almost in a whisper.

My focus was on my fingers which were drumming along my knee caps.

"Oh really?" She seemed astonished. "And have you?"

"I went on one date... with some guy."

My eyes were still fixed on the carpet.

"When was this?"

"Almost a week ago." I glanced up at her.

She nodded her head. "And how was it?"

I twiddled with my thumbs, recalling how awkward the whole experience was. Well, how awkward I was.

"It was... it was okay; a bit uncomfortable at times." I admitted.

"Did he make you uncomfortable?" She questioned.

I shook my head. "No, well yes... I don't know." I stumbled over my words. "All of it just felt wrong."

"Why? Did you feel... feel guilty or something?" She so accurately guessed.

"Yes." I confessed feeling choked up.

Gabrielle folded her arms on her desk and leaned forward.

"Why? Was it something this guy did?"

I tried to come up with an answer. Thinking of that night I fished for excuses. He wasn't a jerk, actually he was pretty nice. He was definitely persistent and patient with me. Thinking more deeply into it, he was extremely patient with me and my behavior. I've ran away from him and shot him down on more than one occasion, then out of the blue asked him out on a spontaneous date. But he still, despite all that, came through. The way I treated him didn't warrant a date, a second date, a third, or even a second glance in my opinion. However, I still wanted to find something to not like about him.

Actually, his persistence was overwhelming. Then there was that whole thing on the phone. What he said to me. I'm sorry for your loss. What loss was he referring to?

Shawn?

How would he know? I was still unsettled about that, like he had a secret or knew something that I didn't. Maybe I was reading to deeply into it. I couldn't place my emotions yet. Other than that, I had no real reason to dislike him. I just didn't. That should be enough. Right?

"It feels like I'm... cheating on him." I whispered through tight lips.

She shook her head. "On who Beyoncé? Shawn is dead."

I flinched at the comment. It was so cut throat- harsh even. Though, I knew her intention was not for the statement to prick me like it did.

"But..."

Gabrielle held her hand up before interjecting. "But nothing Beyoncé, you need to realize that. Where your problem lies, from what I can see so far, is that you can't let him go."