I hated school.
Not because I'm too stupid to even understand our lessons, but because every people at school always made me feel that I don't belong there.
I always walk in crowded hallways and yet, I feel like it was the loneliest place that I've been.
I was nothing. Students would only look at me with judgement and mockery. Students would always laugh and make fun of me. Just because I'm fat, overweighted, and too gloomy, they say.
Tuwing tumatakbo ako noon, students, even in higher grades would laugh and say, "Hoy, tababoy! Kalmahan mo lang. Lumilindol, oh!"
"Hoy, puta sino ba 'yang tumatakbo? Umiindayog ang sahig, oh!"
Tuwing maririnig ko iyon at pagtatawanan nila ako, wala akong magawa kundi ang yumuko na lang at pinilit huwag silang pansinin.
And I hated the teachers as well.
They would always make an activity by pair or by group. And I always be left out at the back, alone, because no one wants to be paired by me and no one wants me to be in their group.
"Kino, wala kang partner?"
"Kino, wala ka pang ka-grupo?"
"Sino'ng walang ka-partner diyan? Partner kayo ni Juarez."
"Guys, let Juarez be in your group. Sino kulang ng members diyan?" The teachers would always say.
I looked up at my classmates and they were just staring at me. May ibang natatawa, may ibang halata ang paga-ayaw na maging ka-partner ako, at may ibang nag-iwas ng tingin na parang natatakot na sa kanila ako mapunta.
I'm not really that smart. Kaya naintindihan ko na ayaw nila akong maging ka-partner.
I don't want to blame anyone else for what my life is. It wasn't anyone's fault that I'm fat, that I am not smart. But then, I couldn't help it.
I blamed the school for letting students who doesn't know how to show respect to be part of the school. I blamed the teachers for always slapping the truth that I'm alone by always pairing and grouping us out, kasi ako lang ang natitirang walang kasama at naiiwan sa dulo. I blamed the students for living their life by judging other people, by making fun of other people, and think that they were cool.
But, no. They think they are, but they weren't cool. It wasn't cool. Hurting someone isn't cool.
But above all of that, I blamed myself more because I let their words get to me.
It went like that hanggang sa nag-high school ako. I was always alone.
I tried to join the try-outs for the basketball team in high school. Na agad kong pinagsisihan.
"Sure ka'ng sasali ka? Kaya mo bang tumakbo sa laki mo? O kaya mo bang abutin 'yong ring? Talon ka nga," may ngisi sa labing saad noong captain.
I clenched my fist as his teammates laughed with him.
"Baka lumindol kapag tumakbo ka," humahalak na ani noong Isa.
"O baka mabali iyong ring 'pag nag-dunk ka!" sabi pa noong isa na siyang pinakamatangkad sa kanila at nakipag-apir sa kasama.
I realized then, that when you're different, you'll never have your place. Let's say that you're too thin, too short, too fat, deformed, or anything beyond normalcy, you would never stood a chance to be part of something you wished to be part of. Because no matter what you do, people would judge you by your appearance.
Nang mag-college ako, I thought, finally, I would be free from all the judgements. I thought college is for matured people, so less bullying. I thought I won't be left out and I won't be invisible anymore. I thought to myself that maybe in there, I could finally found a friend.
