The night fades into day slowly, then all at once. As if the flood gates of the heavens have unleashed their burdens onto the earth - the light flows smoothly into the morning. It's a time of pure bliss. When the air is still and quiet and you are alone with yourself to absorb everything.
And when every other minute of the day is filled with such geniune self-loathing, that hour of dawn is the only time I can actually be myself. The only time I can hate things a little less than normal. Boy, don't you know how I hate things.
I actually feel sorry for anyone who is never awake to experience their own little slice of what happiness must be. You've got to be up early, you know.
If you ever sleep at all.
And If you do, how do you find all the time in the day to carry out meaningless tasks when the only motivation you have is weed? Everything I do is puctuated by, "and if I finish I can get high!". Everything I do is punctuated by "It'll be okay".
It'll be okay.
It'll be okay.
It'll be okay.
I'm so fucking tired of repeating that nonsencecal montra to an empty room. The words fall on deaf ears anyway. I couldn't convince myself it would be okay if god himself came down to me and told me so. But trust me, if I spat out the words onto your fucking grave, goddamn you would believe me.
I'm so tired of feeling inadequate. Of feeling dumb and fat and not fucking good enough. I'M FUCKING DONE. I try so hard to beilieve that I am good enough.
It'll be okay.
I've always been unwanted. I've always been second choice. I've always been sad. Can you relate?
The only people who want me are 1200 miles away.
The only person who wants me is 1200 miles away.
Because people say they care but they never have the capacity to care the way I do. And that's realy fucking sad because I'll never be able to feel like I am loved in any way shape or form. I will always doubt myself. I will always doubt the way others feel. I will always need some kind of outward approval.
Because no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I know I am trash. I need to be told I'm pretty. I need to be told I'm liked. I NEED YOU TO TELL ME I'M A GOOD PERSON.
I want to make you so happy but all you are every going to feel for me will be on the surface. I'm not a deep person. You cannot love me deeply or madly or truly. I'll make you happy for a minute instead of a lifetime and sacrifice myself to do it. I'm already ruined so why not.
