"Pass the salt."
"Hmm, I don't think I will."
"Just pass the fucking salt."
" You pass the salt."
"I- I'm going to strangle you."
"I'll strangle you harder."
"That's- you won't be able to strangle me if I'm strangling you."
"How do you know?"
"Because that doesn't make any fucking sense."
"You don't make any fucking sense!"
"Can we not just fuckin' eat!" Philza slams his hands on the table.
The room falls silent.
Tommy slumps into his chair, glowering over at Wilbur who glares back.
"Why do you shits have to argue over everything?" The man sighs, head in hands.
"I didn't even start this one-"
" All you had to do was give me the fucking salt!" Wilbur screeches.
"Well I didn't want to," Tommy crosses his arms.
"Tommy, just give him the salt," Philza mumbles.
Tommy frowns, contemplative. On one hand, he should listen to the only man ever. On the other hand, he hates Wilbur.
"No," He decides, hatred winning out as always.
"You know what? Here," Ranboob smiles passive aggressively as he hands the salt over to Wilbur. "There we go, all done, everything is fine."
Tommy rolls his eyes and kicks Wilbur in the shin under the table.
"You little shit," Wilbur hisses, kicking him back.
Tommy kicks harder.
"Oh for the love of-"
______
"So, let's have a nice family dinner discussion," Philza smiles tensely. "Anyone got a topic they want to talk about?"
Tubbo raises his hand.
"Yes, Tubbo," He nods encouragingly.
Tubbo clears his throat, "Do you think it's possible to shit in the sink?"
Philza lets out a sigh, head dropping to the table.
Technoblade eats on nonchalantly.
Wilbur grimaces.
Tommy laughs.
Ranboob sighs, rolling his eyes, "You really need to stop."
"Never," Tubbo grins. "But like, seriously, it should be possible right? Would it clog the drain? Could you just spray water on it until-"
______
"Any other topics that you would like to share?" Philza tries again, eye twitching.
Tubbo raises his hand.
"Not you."
Tubbo lowers his hand.
Ranboob raises his hand.
"Yes Ranboo?"
"I bought a gaming chair, does anyone want to help me set it up?"
Tubbo grins, "I will!"
Ranboob looks around the table expectantly, "Anyone?"
" I will," Tubbo repeats.
YOU ARE READING
TommyInnit's unbeatable method of avoiding sudden death
Fanfiction⚠️ So, uh, this isn't actually my book lol ⚠️ I own absolutely nothing about this book, credits go to the proper author on ao3, eneliii. If you have proof that they're uncomfortable with it, please let me know and I'll take it down immediately :))...
