TommyInnit's unbeatable method of avoiding sudden death

Chapter 19: Call An Ambulance, But Not For Me

Tommy narrows his eyes, judgemental. He looks the guy up and down before gasping, taking a step back in utter terror and disbelief.

"What is that?" He points to the guy's pocket.

"Huh? Oh that? That's my tadpole, Lemontime. "

Tommy is going to be sick.

"You- you heathen, " He chokes out. "Why is it in a bottle."

"It's my son actually, and that's his home."

Someone call an ambulance.

Someone call a fucking ambulance right now.

"You're copying me!" He screeches.

The guy steps back, "Uh, no, no I'm not. I don't even know who you are dude."

"Liar, you fucking dirty liar boy," Tommy seethes. "What kinda fucking name is Lemontime anyways? You're so fucking stupid. Clementine is superior. I am superior. You are a btec version of me, you're - you're the walmart version of Gucci."

"That- that doesn't even make sense?"

"No, no. You don't make sense," He scowls. "There can only be one vigilante in this world. And it is fucking TommyInnit."

"Woah dude, calm down-"

"No, because you're stealing my brand. I'm - I'm going to sue you. I have many lawyers," He doesn't. Perhaps he could bribe Technoblade?

"Dude I don't even know you!"

Tommy sighs. Enough of this.

He shoves his hand into his pocket, clutching a pen. He stumbles back, folding in on himself.

"C-call an ambulance," He gasps.

"Are- are you okay? What's wrong man?"

"Call an ambulance," He repeats, pulling out the pen. He jabs his finger into it. "But not for me."

______

Anyways.

Tommy whistles as he strolls through the street.

" Clementine, this is actually not pogchamp. Where is the big crime? Remember the good old days, daughter? When I was constantly being hunted down and on the verge of death?" Tommy sighs sentimentally. He almost swoons. "Crime my beloved."

Clementine stares up at him.

Tommy has decided to stop listening to her.

"Hey!"

Tommy pauses, glancing around the desolate street.

What.

"In the alleyway! C'mere!" A voice calls.

Tommy thinks. Hmm. Should he go? It could potentially be a kidnapping. Or it could be an epic mission.

That sounds exciting.

He heads off into the dark alleyway.

"Come closer," A voice whispers.

Tommy grins. It is adventure time.

______

This is not fucking adventure time.

Turns out it was in fact a kidnapping.

Not a very good one.

Tommy glares through his mask, wrists hastily roped together.

"I know you are in cahoots with the heroes," A woman accuses. "Tell me their weaknesses or else. "