What the F*** did I get into?!

How is that to read

There are so many question in my mind

That I may never ask

Because its too heavy

And I need to drink for that

Am I the one keeping my distance

Or is he?

It feels like unless the spirits flow

There is no connection between you and me

I looked back and saw that just days before my 30th

I was giving up

Waiting for the papers that say you don't give a fuck

I am still waiting

Knowing that you do love her more than me

And who wouldn't she has more to offer thee

But when you are drunk you shower me in love

I feel like it was before

Unfortunately the damage is done

And there is no going back

Because I can't trust that

I don't trust the spirits talking

And sober you tends to stay away from me

So how is that to read?