Hold on to me - Leonardo dicaprio

he knows

I'm addicted, I think. If there's one thing i could change in life it would be to stop doing this to myself, at first I only did it because I was sad but now, now there's not really much to be sad about but here I am, I'm still doing it. Sometimes I feel it's for the best, I mean now I'm finally experiencing hurt. Something I've been doing my whole life to innocent people. I've been hurting them, maybe not physically but I know for sure I've hurt many peoples feelings. And that's something I'll be forever sorry for. My mom is scared for her life that I actually might kill myself. I don't want that to happen obviously, but I really just can't seem to stop.

I wanna stop for her, for Jordan. She didn't judge me when she noticed them, she never judged me when she saw me on the bathroom floor bleeding to death. She stayed with me throughout the whole time I was at the hospital and didn't leave my side once! She makes me feel as though I shouldn't be ashamed about me scares or the fact that I cut. And I know that her moving to L.A will change her life completely. I guess I just really didn't wanna leave her behind and that I don't know that I'll do without her by my side.

🤎

I trail away from my thoughts as I notice a little black notebook sat on her bed next to her two full suitcases. I persuade myself to walk towards it and maybe have a little look through it. It wouldn't be invading her privacy if I did so though, would it? I'm sure she wouldn't mind.

I pick the black, heavy notebook up with both hands and turn to the first page. Oh she draws... weird drawings actually, there still good though.

I flip through a few more pages, filled with odd drawings. Further into the notebook I browse through the pages until I notice my name on one of the notes. 'To Leo'

To Leo? Should I read it? I mean it is sorta a letter written to me...fuck it!

I read the letter a sighted to me and take in each word she had written. I try to process what I'm reading as my eyes move further and further down the page.

Woah... she really has been through it. And her mom! I can't believe she hasn't told me any of this. That she's... she's like me. She more like me than I ever would have imagined. I'm not saying it's a good thing I'm just glad I'm not alone with this...

I feel really fucking shitty about myself. I was too busy feeling for myself and not even thinking to ask if Jordan was okay!

"Leo?" I hear a familiar voice call my name.

Shit! Jordan's shouting me.

"Yeah?" I reply in a panicky tone, quickly placing the notebook back down on the bed.

Just as I step out of the room, she reaches the top of the stairs and looks at me. Shit!

"What were you doing in there?"

"Oh uh...I'm so sorry, I've just never seen your room before. It's really nice, I like it."

Jordan gives a simple nod then crosses her arms. Walking more forward, she walks into her room and looks at me to follow.

"I don't mind you being in my room. I just never thought you was actually interested in knowing what it looks like."

"I'm not that interested. I was just curious."

"Hmm." She grins then walks over to the pictures on her mirror.

"Have you seen this?"

"Yeah, I noticed it when I first walked in."

She smiles faintly "ugh, one of the worst days of my life!" She makes her way to her bed, sitting on it. She brings up her knees to her chin and hold up the pictures, just staring at it. I sit myself next to her and look at it also.