Ramblings

Feeling Whole

"Growing up, I was often sad and depressed.

I just felt so empty like something was missing.

I'd sit on the floor of my bathroom, looking at my blood that was dripping to the floor, and hope for the sun to come out.

Because God I was hopelessly trapped in a cloud.

As I was growing up, I'd see all of these movies and read all of these books that told another teenager's story similar or much worse than mine. But it all changed when they heard those three words:

'I love you.'

And then, they were filled with warmth and the desire to live again.

I went about my teenage years, numb, or trying to be, shielding myself off from the world. Life went on without me, I felt.

And then I met him.

We talked, we danced, we laughed, and in spite of myself, I could feel myself come to love him. Even though I knew it was a bad idea.

I got myself psyched up, waiting to hear those three words and finally feel whole again. Finally want to live again.

I remember it so clearly.

It was drizzling out and we sat on his couch, watching some horror movie, when he said it.

'I love you.'

Warmth didn't fill me.

I felt colder.

Because you don't automatically get fixed when someone tells you they love you.

It just rains harder."