Porcelain, I'll be the greatest fan of your life (Marianas Trench Fanfic)

Chapter 20 - Insecurity & Regrets

I just walked to my bunk and I sat on it. All those thoughts in my head. Old thoughts. But I tried to ignore it. Why did I got drunk tonight ? Why did I took drugs ? Why did I did those horrible things with Amanda ?

My kid will be ashame of me. Perfect disaster... yeah right.... I'm a ugly disaster. I hurt people. I hurt myself. Maybe I feel too much bad about all that but I deserve to feel like that.

Suddendly, I heard Matt came through the door. He sat beside me

'' Josh... what's up man ? Are you ok? Mike told me what happened'' 

'' Matt, I screwed up. And some times, I'll have to tell Ashley about it. But I don't want to lose her. Do you think she can understand that ? '' 

'' I really don't know. But I hope she will because you two are made for eachother. I know you messed up. But man you have to keep your head straight because life will not give you many chances. You know how hard the life has been. And this girl out there, Amanda, you need to keep her AWAY from you. I know how much you loved her before, but man, she is pure trouble.. Do you love Ashley ?'' 

'' More than my own life '' 

'' Well, don't screw up your life, because you will lose everything. She is the woman of your life. You are living the dream right now with the band. You got such a great future. Damn Josh, you'll have a little tiny baby before the end of this year ! Isn't it perfect ?''

 I smiled, wipping my tears.

'' Yes, it's perfect '' 

'' So stop this ! Don't miss what life have to give you. So now, try to talk to your girlfriend. ''

'' I need to talk to her face to face. '' 

'' Tell her to come here. Even if Jon said no. Who fucking cares ? You are the man here, Jon have nothing to say. Call her right now and tell her to take the next flight for Lethbridge. It's where we are heading tomorrow morning. And we don't have a show tomorrow so you will have time to talk. After that, go to sleep because you need it. '' 

'' Thanks Matt. You're the best. ''

'' I know. ''

Ashley

Josh called me last night because he needed to see me absolutely. After I talked with him, I made my bag and took the taxi straight to the airport. I waited there for a flight and now, I am on the road for Lethbridge. They were heading there and Josh will be waiting for me at the airport.

I arrived around noon. When I got out of the plane, I spot Josh sitting on a bench so I walked by him. He seemed like he doesn't felt great. But when he saw me, he smiled so bad. He ran for me and took me in his arms.

'' Im so glad you're here honey '' He said, sneaking his head in my neck. 

'' I missed you so much Josh! '' He took me by the hand and sit me down, took my shirt a little bit up and kissed my belly. 

'' Hey there, little tiny daddy's baby. ''

He then kissed me and we got on a taxi to go at the arena were the bus was. All the guys and the crew was in the arena so we went in the bus to talk.

'' I think before talking we should go in your bunk and say hello to eachother in our own way '' I said, winking and trying to grabb Josh and bring him in the back. 

''Ohh that is tempting . But I think we should talk before ''

'' It seems very important eh ? ''

'' It is '' We sat on his bunk and he took my hand. 

'' Something happened last night, and I'm disgusting myself for it. But I want to be honest with you. '' I started to shake, 

'' Josh you scare me '' 

'' Ashley, I did something wrong. Yesterday, I got drunk... and ... I took some drugs ... and, '' I stopped him

'' Wait ! Why ?? Why did you did that ? '' 

'' It's not just that. I was not thinking straight with all this and we were at club and.. Amanda was there too and '' I felt the tears coming and I took back my hand off his. 

'' Josh stop. Amanda, again ? What is fucking wrong with you ? '' I saw him burst in tears 

'' I don't know Ashley ! I don't know ! But I can tell you that I'll NEVER do it again ! Please, trust me. I swear ! On the head of our little baby '' 

'' I don't even want to know what you did Josh '' I got up, took my little necklace he gave me once, threw it on the ground and walked by the door. 

'' Where you going ?'' 

'' You don't need to know ''

I went in the arena and I saw Mike walking in the hallway.

'' Ashley ! You're here ! '' I walked toward him, in tears .

'' Ashley what happened ? ''

I burst even more in tears when he took me and hugged me.

'' Why does he hurt me like that ? Why does he hurt himself too ? Don't he understand ? ''

'' I think Josh is going through so much pressure and he think about his past but he don't realize how it affect him and the people around. But Ashley, with all the things happenning, I just hope you can forgive him. Yesterday was a mistake. He knows it. And he told me what happened and... don't worry , i know it was ALL wrong but he at least didn't slept with her. He loves you so much ! You just have no idea how much ! You changed his whole life. Maybe this is why he's so scare and he try to bring his old life back. But trust me, this is over. He is just so scare now to lose you. And if you leave him, I think he would never get over it. ''

'' But Mike, it's so hard to deal with him and all that ! And now, with the baby coming ... '' 

'' With the baby coming Ashley, Josh will realize how this is such a beautiful gift and he will become again the Josh that you met this summer. I understand that it's hard. But I think right now, you two needs eachother. More than ever. Don't you think?''

'' I need him and he needs me, I know it. But I want him to stop turning back to his past. I want him to look at the future. It could be such a beautiful future you know... '' 

'' I know it and I believe in you two. You know, I never saw Josh loving someone so much. Josh is someone really insecure when it comes to relationship. But with you, it all come naturally. '' 

'' You know what ? If I didn't talked with you, I probably went back home. And I mean, Moncton, not Vancouver. But even tho, right now I think I don't want to see him. Can I stay here with you guys ? '' 

'' Of course you can ! Josh will come later but Tamara will be around so you can go with her after. ''

He smirked

'' She will probly tell you what happened yesterday, oh my god it was funny. She just jumped over Amanda like a wildcat, i think she was drunk too'' 

'' Oh my god are you serious ?? '' I started to laugh. 

'' Yeah ! But it will not happen again, we talked to Jonathan and we fired Amanda. She's going back to Van. ''

'' Well, that's a good news. ''

He smiled and put his arm on my shoulders and we went backstage. It was the day off for them so me, Tamara, Mike, Ian and Jessica, we decided to go in town. Matt wanted to stay with Josh.

I needed to go out and change my mind, but I felt bad in a way. When we'll come back, I'll go talk to Josh and clear the things up.