Free Critique & Advice

Subterra Heart by littlesilverwren

Connor is a chronically ill young man whose disease has been draining him and his family of cash. At least it's not bloodrot though. He's still got his sanity. When an estranged family member offers him a lifetime supply of meds for an itsy bitsy bit of exploring, Connor accepts. Soon, he finds himself in the strange and winding tunnels of the planet, Par-12, well outside the safety of the subterranean mega city of Heart. And there are things down here - things that were once people. He's not alone.

The review has spoilers for the prologue and chapters 1-5. 

Dear Celia,

Thank you for being my very first submission! This story was a real treat to read and I was sucked into it immediately. This is mostly positive, but I have a few criticisms for you to take into consideration and mull over.  

Grammar
No grammatical errors, but I noticed that Rochagor and Rochagorosis are sometimes spelled with a capital R and at times with a lowercase r. Doing control + F to find "Rochagor" throughout the document will make it easy to find them and correct the mistake. In chapter 5, I think there's a typo. It says "rumbling ductwork" but I assume it's meant to be crumbling? 

Formatting and Punctuation
Your punctuation and formatting is perfect, so I have no comments there. 

Story and Characters
Most of the issues with the story stem from the first and second chapters, which was a bit exposition-heavy. Exposition is necessary in a story, but I think some of that could be peppered throughout the book at a later time or delivered differently. Things can be brought up in conversation, Connor could see something in his environment (like a poster or passing by a landmark) which triggers the exposition, or it can be part of his inner monologue but slightly "spread out" as in not being multiple paragraphs thick. Pieces of information could also be relegated to other characters once the perspective changes.

You do this very well in chapter 4, where Tess is trying to catch Bug and she overhears the conversation between Connor and Lenny at the base of the statue. When she saw the statue of Rourke, she gave the reader a dose of information about the figure. The hearth-box nearly burning his hand in chapter 1, followed by a description of the hearth-box itself and the role it played in the heating of his room really helped with world building. 

The only bit of exposition from chapter 1 that I would push to a later chapter is the exact history of Flores Greens (that it was a mining settlement). A change I would make in chapter 2 would be: "The drug that Matteo Rocha developed was effective enough [rest of passage]" → "The drug that Matteo Rocha developed, named Rochagor (?), was effective enough [rest of passage]". Just that tiny edit will help establish the difference between Rochagor (the drug) and Rochagorosis (the illness). Or is Rochagor just a "casual" term for the illness?  What are "Rochagor levels" (chapter 1)? It's a bit confusing (right now. I assume that it will be clarified in upcoming chapters). 

Another small note: at the beginning of chapter 1, you said the rent was "cheap and clean" but a few paragraphs later, said it was "expensive."  You also mention that Lenny is offering "a way out" but then Connor ignores the letters he keeps sending and meets him later. Editing error? Those were the only inconsistencies I caught. 

As for characters, I really like Connor! From the reader's perspective, he comes off as a very straightforward, no-nonsense individual. Life dealt him a pretty shitty card, but he's making the best of his situation. I'm really curious to see what flaws will pop up later in the story, to see what really makes him tick. Connor being born with Rochagorosis made me think of the Thalidomide tragedy (mothers were prescribed the drug Thalidomide in the 1950s to combat nausea during pregnancy, and their babies ended up being born with severe defects). The foundations for his character development are very strong.

I also really like Marina—her warmth comes across easily, and Tess has the vibes of an anime school girl (which works well).  At least, that's how I picture her in my head! Lenny gives very strong Godfather vibes with his insistence on calling Connor "cousin." I want to feed Bug fish flakes :)

Style
After chapters 1 and 2, the pacing your story picked up significantly and I felt like it flowed much better, and it was very easy to get absorbed into. It's hard to point out exactly what made them feel slower—maybe the lack of events? Doing something simple in chapter 1 like having Connor get up and go to the bathroom to examine his appearance and wash his face could be a nice touch. 

Your writing is very strong and consistent. A trap a lot of authors fall into is they stop being as descriptive or the story pace changes too drastically, but your quality of writing is consistent and engaging. 

One thing I would like to see is more details about wardrobe and environments. Wattpad is notorious for over-explaining the wardrobe, but I think describing what they're wearing can say a lot about your characters. Many people's personalities are reflected in both their clothing style and living space. For example, in Neon Genesis Evangelion, one of the characters has a very tidy, fashionable, sleek wardrobe on the outside, but her house is littered with beer cans, fast food, and she spends most of her free time in dirty sweatpants. It's a stark contrast between her professional and personal life. Describing what Connor wears and what his living space is like can give tons of information to the reader without explicitly pointing it out. 

That being said, your descriptive abilities regarding the physical area are very good. When characters are making their way through the city, I am able to visualize where they are and what their surroundings generally look like. It doesn't hurt to add little details here and there to further flesh it out, but overall it's very solid and not too overwhelming (over-describing is a problem too, but your story is balanced). For example, what does the transport tube look like? Is it shiny? Is the air inside it stuffy or fresh? What about sounds in the environment like crickets (or your world's version of them, if they exist), wind, rain, people talking? What's on the the ground, is the room carpeted, concrete, wood? What about lighting and smells?

A few other things unrelated to the story itself... there is no need for so many content warnings! Your book is clearly more of an adult novel, and the description covers the basics. A simpler, more concise content warning could be something at the very beginning of the novel: "Please note that this work includes themes of epidemics and a few graphic descriptions of the illness, which may be triggering or bothersome to some readers." That's all that's necessary. 

Another thing: at the very first part of the story, where you discuss all the changes, it's a little odd (and not relevant) to the readers who weren't there to see the first major draft of the story, so I think it would be better to copy-paste that page and stick it in the other book you have (the one with the dark cover). From a reader's perspective, it's a lot stronger to jump straight into the prologue.

Positives
I have to be honest—I said I was only going to read 5 chapters, but I did take a peek at chapter 6 because of that cliffhanger! You have a knack for building tension and keeping the reader engaged, and switched perspectives at juuuust the right moment. At first I wanted to get back to Connor's perspective, now I want to see what happened to Tess! 

I also really enjoyed the prologue, and listening to "Do Your Ears Hang Low" was a good choice of tune. The very last line, "Made a deal with the devil and I won't come home" is chilling. It sets the tone for the story and I'm really curious to see how it plays into the history, and why children are singing about this man. It gives him an almost mythical status. 

Overall review ★★★★☆
I think this story shows a lot of promise and I'm really interested in seeing where it will go. Over the course of the first 5 chapters, your ability to immerse the reader in your world, have naturally-flowing conversation between characters, build tension, and take us along for the well-paced ride is fantastic. There are a few things to smooth out in terms of feeding the audience information more slowly, being a little more descriptive, and ironing out the occasional typo, but the good qualities easily outweigh these minor weaknesses. You clearly have talent for keeping people on the edge of their seat!

Your story was delightful to read, keep up the good work!

-NF6