What i should have said in the beginning was no. No. Shut up. Leave me alone. I'm calling the police. But I didn't, I let my fear of police officers take hold, i let everything pile up on me like dishes in a restaurant. He kept going, knowing his words were doing something, were burrowing themselves deep into my skin as if it were a needle needing to draw blood. He sucked the life out of me, hands wrapped around my neck as if I did something wrong. My mind told me I did. "I harmed him," I thought. "I deserve this," "This is all my fault," "I really am crazy, arent I?" Everyone pointed and stared as if they were nit-picking my every move, my every thought. My mind spun like a record, the thoughts repeating as though I were broken. No one knew. No one knew. He kept going, pinning me to the couch. What i should have said in the beginning was no. But my brain said I loved him. Loved every abusive word, loved every abrasive touch from his whiskers, his hands, his nails, his teeth. The cord hit my back like a whip hits a lion in the circus, making me recoil and fall to the ground. He pins me there, hands around my throat with hungry eyes and tight skin. He told me he loved me. His touch and hips burned like a fire, when he was around me. Hands explore me like a jungle, hanging loose as they rest on my thighs. My stomach churns as the fire is pulsed inside, but I let it happen, because there is no harm done in allowing it. "Is there?" Why am I bothering to think. I'm just a stupid child, a useless child, who never seems to fall in love with the right person. I loved him, I loved him. I should have said no. I should have never expressed my feelings. I should never have clung to him like a tick. Who knew that a lover would turn into a loser, who hits and beats their significant other. My father told me no was the best answer. My father told me a boy who hits a girl is a loser. But he hit me. Why doesn't he love me? I did everything he asked. I did everything he wanted. But no one believes me. They think he's such a wonderful person. No one will understand...that what i should have said was no. His words still ring in my ears as if they were chimes in the wind. I love you. I love you. Why don't they see behind his lies? They surround me like flies. The fire spreads. Soon it's all over my body. I feel as though I cannot breathe. I feel as if my lungs are being crushed. What hurts? Is it my legs? My arms? My head? I do not know, as I fear that if I think, I will be dead. I should have said no. The wind beats outside my window as I remember what happens next. His hands grip my tiny wrists, my legs self consciously wrapping themselves around him. Do they not understand? My body is on fire. It hurts to breathe. My lungs are hurting from breathing in the fire. I cannot run. Where am I to go? I cannot drive. Where will I look? I do not know. The earth spins around me quickly while for others it spins so slowly they get bored. "Call the police," my brain tells me. "But I'm scared." "Who will listen to my cries?" Everyone lies. "But we will die," then I will try. "I want to cry," I want to die. The world revolving is a dangerous place, like a video game if you do not have a weapon. The dangerous villains and monsters will overpower you, and you will never be seen from again. Everything...is in vain. I tried so hard to become my own person. Tried so hard not to become my father- but I fear...I already have. What I should have said in the beginning was no. Shut up, leave me alone. No. No. **No.**
