South

PROLOGUE

My life is a tough one.

When I was still young, I believed that my life was already perfect.

But when I started growing, I realized that I am imperfect. I am a product of a broken family, I have my flaws, my own mistakes, and my personal problems.

I was fourteen when I knew I had to lie just to cover up my pain. That's a bad thing but I just can't show anyone what I truly feel. I feel so different in a way that it distressed me.

Maaga akong namulat sa mundong hindi ko akalaing magdudulot sa akin ng mga pangyayaring hindi inaasahan. Ilang beses na akong nasaktan dahil sa pamilya, sa pagkakaibigan, at sa mga sitwasyon ng buhay. Pero sa dinamirami ng pagkakataon, kahit isa sa mga nararamdaman ko ay wala akong pinalabas.

May mga malalaking problema na ang pamilya ko noon pa man. Mga problemang mapahanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin nasosolusyunan. Masakit man isipin pero parte ako ng pamilya at kahit anong gawin ng mga nakakatanda, kahit anong gawin ko, madadamay, maiipit, at masasaktan pa rin ako.

Gano'n paman ay nanatali  akong kalmado sa mga pangyayari. Inisip ko na lang na siguro kapag magsasalita pa ako ay mas lalo lang itong magiging komplikado kaya mas minabuti ko na lamang na manahimik.

They say friendship is one of the most valuable things in life that you could have; and I believe on that.

I have school friends, family friends, and common friends. But none of them made me feel that I am belong. That I am one of them. I don't know where to put myself in some circle of friends. And I feel like everytime i'll hangout with them, I need to act, I need to pretend, I need to not be myself so that I would fit in.

I onced question myself, 'why do I have to suffer from this?' I just love them that I can't hate any of them. Why am I like this? I am hurt—yes. A lot of times. What am I supposed to do? I can't express and share things with them due to lack of confidence. I tried telling my own problems to them but I ended up being quiet about my life, thinking that they'll just laugh about it. Sometimes I feel like i'm just existing in their eyes because they need something from me.

Not everyone will like you for who you are but some people might adore you for being brave and true to yourself. Somehow, I understand that people have their own favorites and it's not always you.

Friends are known to be one of the golden treasures in anyone's life. And I envy those people who've already found their best of friends who can be there for them. Although, not everyone will treat you as their beloved friend but the fact that someone cares for you is already enough. One true friend is enough and having a dozen is a blessing.

Despite of the circumstances, I busied myself with my studies and on collecting books. I am more focused on reading novels and few interesting articles. I even entered social media platforms and interact with some people without getting attached to them. That's when I knew a very known writer, and I became a silent reader for few months.

I was fifteen when I started crying every night because of the known and unknown reasons, feeling the excruciating pain pounding inside my heart. I prayed and told myself that i'll be okay.

I learned how to embrace my own flaws and accepted the truth that in this world, no one is perfect. We are given lives to live what we have to complete.

From there, I started to distance myself from the things that are affecting me ever since before. My knowledge of self respect is much more clearer now. I don't need to push myself to people who doesn't want my presence. 'Cause life isn't about forcing someone to be with you, to be friends with you, or to stay with you. It's about how you live your life with your own principles. Because letting people into your life even if they're not helping you grow means two things; hurting your emotional health and wrecking your mental life. Do not be dependent and make yourself an independent person you have to be.

Little by little, even though i'm still not a grown up or experienced to handle bigger problems, I am helping myself to forget the things that made myself miserable. But there are still parts of me that's not been completely healed and currently missing.

I'm coping up by making myself comfortable as I entered the world of writing. It's where I found a big comfort. I also felt great when the writer whom I idolized kept on noticing my comments everytime a new short story of him will be released and even replying to them.

I was sixteen when I felt like I'm lost in a world where I couldn't find my way back home even if I had to. I once felt the urge to surrender because I thought I was too immature and young to handle the problems I am facing but I was wrong.

No matter how young or old you are, every individual has their own conflicts and insecurities. And i'm not the only one who's suffering. Some of their problems might be more heavier than mine or less heavier than mine.

That year wasn't a good one for me because it was supposed to be daring and sweet. Darkness is where I let my heavy tears fall with no hesitations and infinite cries would take place when i'm physically alone. I'd rather choose to sleep with my dried tears peacefully, than to keep my head from hurting because of overthinking. Though overthinking is already a part of me.

Gusto ko ng palayain ang sarili ko habang maaga pa pero paano? Kailan? At bakit parang habang unti-unti kong nauunawaan ang mga bagay ay mas nagiging mahirap itong ayusin? Na para bang wala itong katapusan kung susubukan ko man itong solusyunan.

Nagpatuloy ang daloy ng mahigpit kong buhay kahit na alam kong may parte pa rin sa akin na parang winawasak dahil sa sobrang higpit. Ipinagpatuloy ko ang nais kong magsulat ng mga maikling nobela, hanggang sa natagpuan ko na ang sarili kong nagsasanay na palawakin ang aking imahinasyon upang makapagsulat ng mahahabang nobela. Hindi ito madaling gawin pero hindi rin ito naging hadlang sa pag-aaral ko.

Time management. One of the most important thing i've always been puting into my mind ever since I started my writing career. I can't still believe that after a year, a representative from a not-so-popular writing platform noticed my works and gave me the opportunity to be part of their community.

And what made me feel more inspired was when the writer congratulated me and told me to keep going.

At 'yong manunulat na iyon? Hindi siya mahirap magustuhan. Lalo pa't alam kong disente siyang tao at may malawak na pag-iisip. Pero alam ko, hanggang doon na lamang 'yon.

I am now seventeen. Trying to be a better version of myself. I can still smile and be happy without making the people around me notice the pain I am hiding for years.

But I know, i'm still not yet home.

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