Chasing Champions

Joy and hell

I feel his arms come around my waist and his chin rest on my shoulders and says,

"She is tiny, but everything is luckily mostly developed so this all is just till shes is strong enough to do everything on her own. But god baby when she opens her eyes your breath will be taken away. She is gorgeous, just like her mommy."

I snort weakly and lean back into him as my strength was fading and softly say,

"Me? Honey she looks so much like you it isn't funny. I'm so glad she is going to be ok, but everything in me is screaming to hold her and protect her from everything and never let her go. I just want to hold her to my chest, I just want to hold my daughter."

I start crying and he turns both of us sideways and pulls me into his chest, but I never let my eyes leave her form. I had no idea how long we stood there for but my eyes were red and irritated and my legs felt like jello. I knew I couldn't walk back, at least the whole way but I was going to try. As he leads me away I felt like a part of me was being left behind, and as I knew it, half way back my legs about gave out from underneath me. Luckily Chase seemed to have been expecting it and picked me up carefully and kept going. I sigh as I relax against his chest, and as we reach my room I whisper,

"I think my postpartum is going to be worse this time than last, I already feel like something is missing and I'm a failure. It's hitting harder than it did before, or at least hitting earlier. God mom was right when she said I would just ruin everyone's life with all my problems."

I start shaking as he immediately climbs into bed with me and pulls me into him, causing me to curl up into a ball the best I could. He just whispers reassurance into my ear but it wasn't sticking. My mother's words kept repeating in my head over and over again and sadly I believed them even though I knew I shouldn't. I fall asleep feeling safe, but also so scared of what was brewing inside of me, because it couldn't mean anything good.

Chase POV:

I look down at my love in sadness, as I could see the dried tear stains on her face and knew she was in for a fight to get out of all this again. And this time I had no idea what her parents said to her before I got there. But whatever it was made it feel like we were back to square one with getting her to heal.

I push some hair out of her face as my mind drifts into what happened just hours ago. The whole coming home after a jumbled call from my terrified son. And just blacking out after seeing the love of my life on the floor with blood gushing out of her nose and her stomach. How when I came back and saw her looking at me in fear before Jett took care of her. And then laying in bed together before she was suddenly in pain telling me something was wrong and we had to go to the hospital. How much fear was running through me as I rushed her to the hospital and prayed with everything in me that everything was going to be ok. But as soon as we got inside the doors she lost it saying how she felt empty like before. And it took me a minute but when it hit me what she meant my knees about buckled out from underneath me. But I noticed she wasn't breathing hardly, and she was having a massive panic attack. And nurses and doctors jumped into action and was trying to get her to calm down but she fell unconscious and her heart nearly stops. My world blurred at they fought to get her stable while getting a surgery room ready for her. The next hour is a blur, I don't even remember being scrubbed up and taken into the theater. The thing that brought me back was a soft crying, and the form of my tiny daughter being cleaned up. One of the doctors walked over to me with her wrapped up and softly says,

"She appears to be ok, but before I send her off to be tested but I wanted you to be able to hold her. Even if it's only for a minute, just so you know she is alive and kicking."

I smile at him as I shakily take her from him and look down in pure awe. She looked like you could breath on her and she would break. I take a few steps and as she opens her eyes I say,

"Baby girl, this is your mommy and I'm your daddy. And I know she can't wait to get to see you, talk to you, and hold you. We love you so so much my beautiful little daughter."

And before I knew it she had to be taken to be checked out and put into a incubator. And after letting our family know everything I was completely spent and feel asleep in the chair in the corner of her room. A few short hours later I was woken up to gasping and crying, springing up I see Sarah had woken up and was holding her stomach in fearful horror. I rush over to her and keep telling her that everything was ok, our baby girl was ok, to calm down and breath. Luckily she seemed to hear me this time and all she wants to do is see her, to make sure with her own eyes she is ok. Just seeing her up and awake again made everything come crashing down but I made myself stay strong. But as soon as she asks me what happen I could feel myself cracking, but I managed to tell her. But I was choking back tears as images of her laying there almost dead again flash in front of my eyes.

She stops us in the middle of the hallway as she looks at me with wide fearful yet understanding eyes and pulls me close so out foreheads were together. And she just reassured me that she was here and not going anywhere. She let me cry into her shoulder for as long as I wanted, even though I knew she had to be hurting just standing there. But I calmed down enough and we finally got to see our baby girl together for the first time. And I could see the wonder and awe appear on her face as she gently touches the glass keeping her away from her. She looks at the papers and I know she is forever memorizing the info on it. But she starts shaking as she whispers that she is glad she is going to be ok but all she wants to do is hold her. And I pull her into me arms but she never once looks away from our daughter, and it kills me that she won't be able to to hold her for a few more days, while I already have.

But as we started heading back to her room I could tell her legs didn't want to carry her anymore, but she kept going. It wasn't till we were half way back that they finally gave out, but I was ready and caught her before carrying her the rest of the way back. She just relaxed limply in my arms and it showed just how exhausted she was. But as she lays down in the bed she starts telling me that she already was going back in postpartum depression and maybe her mother was right about her just ruining everyone's lives and it killed me. I curled up next to her and kept trying to tell her she was amazing, and while we had been through so much that she wasn't to blame for all of it, not even close. But I could tell she didn't believe me, and it killed me to see her slipping into a even darker hole then ever before. And I didn't know how to stop it or help her this time, because I don't know what all was said to her and I probably never will. I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid again, because I honestly don't think I could stand to see her like that again without snapping myself.

If only I knew what was about to come, because if I did I would have grabbed my family and went running.