Cigarettes in the Snow

The beginning of the end

Tubbo's train of thought stopped abruptly as he realized Micheal was still waiting for a response. "I just went on a walk is all, no need to worry."

"Was it fun?" Micheal asked curious to know more about Bo's great adventure outside.

"I..well.-" Tubbo stammered on what to say, lucky he was interrupted by a plate being set on the table. He watched as Ranboo brought the family's breakfast, and quickly the conversation shifted, and Tubbo would no longer feel interrogated about his night. Though there was a slight feeling of tension between him and Ranboo, he chose to ignore it.

—

The rest of the day preceded as it normally would. Things had to get done and so they worked, gathering recourses for the Bee&Boo Hotel, and Mining for valuables to give to Foolish in return for building their mansion. They had gone to bed as if the morning didn't happen. Ranboo hoped it was a one-time thing, but woke up once again to an empty bed.

Ranboo walked outside, and not surprisingly found Tubbo smoking on the porch once again.

"Tubbo, I'm worried about you," Ranboo said, leaning against the fence post next to Tubbo.

"Aren't you always worried." Tubbo rolled his eyes dismissively.

"Well, yes, but I have a pretty valid reason to worry about this."

"You don't need to worry big man," He said as he brought the cigarette to his lips and let out a puff of smoke, "I have it under control."

"Bo, look I understand you're not going to tell me everything, and I'm okay with that, but if you need to cope there are healthier ways to do it."

"Dude this is only my second one, you act like I've had 50."

"Yea because that's how addiction starts, I just don't want this to affect our relationship."

"How would it? I'm doing my thing, you do yours. Simple."

"Because Tubs, we're a family, if something affects you, then it affects the family too. Is this about...Tommy..?" Ranboo was hesitant to say his name, as it hadn't been spoken since his passing the day prior. "You can talk to me about that y'know, you don't have to deal with this on your own, I'll always be here if you need to talk."

"What's there to talk about? He was alive and now he's dead."

"Tubbo no matter how much you want to ignore it, I know it affected you," He placed a hand on Tubbo's shoulder, "I also know that there are healthier ways to deal with this than smoking."

Tubbo jolted his shoulder away. "Fuck off. I'm fucking fine." He looked down at the cigarette in his hand and looked back out at the snow, "I know how to control myself, and I don't need your god damn help."

What the fuck does Ranboo know anyways, he fucking sucks. Maybe he wouldn't feel the need to hide everything if he just laid the fuck off. The cigarettes were helping him, they were doing exactly what he needed. They gave him a nice feeling of comfort he hadn't felt in a long time, the last time he felt like this was when he used to do drugs and overdosed at one of Connor's parties. No one allowed him around it anymore, not even Tommy. God, Tommy. You never really understand what it's like to lose something until it's too late. He knows people are supposed to grieve when they lose someone, he knows people do it differently but he hadn't felt the need to cry at all. Maybe he just needed more time? Tubbo wasn't sure, but what he was sure of was that he didn't want to think about it anymore.

—

Once again, the day would proceed as normal, though this time Tubbo would use his breaks to smoke, while Ranboo would be working. This was fine. Tubbo was controlling himself. He was helping himself, and he didn't need Ranboo's help.

—

Tubbo walked over to the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. The first thing that caught his eye, of course, was his scars. He thought back to his execution. It was deserved, he was a traitor after all, why was Tommy so upset about that. If only he knew what he would become now, then he never would've gotten upset at Techno. Techno should be praised for his actions. Tubbo deserved it. Tubbo deserved death. Why did Tommy have to die, he had his whole life ahead of him, goals he wanted to achieve, people that cared about him. Tubbo didn't have that, he just went along with the crowd. Tubbo would've welcomed death, it seems peaceful, a consistent state of feeling nothing. At least then he wouldn't have to deal with this consistent sinking feeling in his chest, where all his other feelings are dulled and the only way he can get to a place where the sinking feeling leaves is by addiction. But it wasn't an addiction. He can control himself. He turned the faucet and splashed water on his face and returned to Ranboo and Micheal who were getting ready for bed.

"Are you going to leave again?" Micheal asked, not being aware of the tension it would cause his parents.

Ranboo and Tubbo just stared at each other, "...I don't know. But what I do know is that if I do I won't be gone for long." Tubbo tried to reassure Micheal but also Ranboo, that he would never be gone for too long. Ranboo had a visible look of worry and concern on his face, Tubbo tried to smile it off.

—

Tubbo woke up, and slowly lifted the sheets off himself, making sure not to disturb the others asleep. The two nights before he had done nothing with his time, he just stared off his porch contemplating his life, he didn't have time to waste. There was work to be done. And so he walked himself down into the basement to continue his work.