Don't You Know I Love You?

ally mayfair-richards | i'm just so lost

tw: depression, anxiety

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I hadn't been feeling very well tonight. It wasn't my stomach or a sick feeling, it was something deep inside me, and I didn't know how to describe it. It was like the end of a song slowly fading until it became completely quiet. That's how I felt.

I was tired. I had been up all night cleaning and reading, trying to distract myself from my thoughts. My thoughts seemed to never end, and they made my brain feel heavy. So heavy in fact my eyes began to droop yet I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried.

Ally had taken me on a vacation. She said I was working too hard and deserved to take a break. We went to a secluded beach and rented a room that was a little ways past the shoreline. We were basically staying in a room on the sand.

As much as I thought i'd like it, I was somehow even more drained than after a long day at work. Not physically but mentally. I was trying so hard to please Ally. I kept a bright smile on my face and acted like I enjoyed staying here, but really I hated it. I hated it more than anything and all I wanted to do was go home, although I don't think home would help either.

At this point I just wanted to escape from myself. I felt trapped and now matter how many days went by, nothing changed, and I felt the same everyday. It started to make me overwhelmingly tired. The feeling stuck to me like pollen.

Ally was asleep in bed. She seemed so peaceful and I didn't want to wake her. It was around 4 in the morning and I still haven't slept. The entire room was spotless and i'd gone through all the books in the place. I needed to escape somehow, so I quite literally, escaped out the window.

I creeked open the glass and jumped onto the sand with a small thud. The breeze immediately hit my face and I took a deep breath trying to calm some of my nerves. Before walking towards the water I checked on Ally, and she was still fast asleep, quietly snoring against the pillow.

My feet sank in the sand as I made my way to the shore. As soon as the water hit my skin it felt like my senses were cleared, rid of any negativity and anxiousness. I dipped my fingers in the water and let the waves crash against them. It felt like they were talking to me somehow. I felt like I wasn't so alone.

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I'd been sitting in the sand for a while now. The sun was just starting to rise and my face slowly heated up as it did. I heard a door creek, it was muffled from the ocean, but it slightly startled me. I looked behind me and saw Ally making her way towards me with two mugs in her hands.

She sat down beside me and handed me a mug, then gave a small kiss to my temple.

"Are you alright honey?" she asked in a slightly concerned tone.

I nodded and took a sip of the warm liquid. Turned out to be a cup of warm tea. Chamomile.

Ally stroked my back as I held the mug in my hands.

"Darling you're shivering." she said.

I looked down and realized I was in thin sweatpants and a t-shirt. I must've not remembered to bring a sweater when I went out earlier.

"I'm okay." I smiled, and faced back to the ocean, watching the waves slowly approach us then retreat back with the rest of the water.

Ally took off her knitted wool sweater and wrapped it around me. She put one end of the sweater on my shoulder and cuddled herself against me, then wrapped the other end around her shoulder. Her arms slipped around my waist and held me tightly, and she rested her chin in the crook of my neck. I could feel her faint breaths against my skin and the sweet perfume I bought her filled my lungs.

"I'm always here my love." she whispered. "I'll always be here. And I'll always listen y/n."

My eyes watered slightly, but I was too tired to properly cry. So I sat there with a quivering lip as the cold wind traveled through my body.

Ally hugged me tighter and gave a tender kiss to my collarbone. Her lips lingered there for a few seconds before she pulled away and gave another kiss to my cheek.

"I'm tired." I whispered.

She looked up at me and stroked her fingers through my hair, cradling the back of my head in her palm.

"Have you slept?" she said.

I shook my head. "I don't mean that."

Ally took the mug and placed it in the sand along with hers, and took a firm grip of my hands.

"I mean mentally. I just feel drained, you know? I'm just.. tired."

"I know how you feel." she replied.

I sighed in response.

"I just want this feeling to go away, but it seems like it wont ever leave. I don't know what's wrong with me. There's nothing in my life I should be so upset about. I have you and we have a beautiful home, and I have a job I like. I'm just so lost." I explained.

Ally stroked her fingers against my cheek. I made eye contact with her and that's when the tears began to fall. They fell quickly, one after another, like raindrops hitting a brick wall.

The woman kissed my lips, passionately and tenderly. She interlocked them so perfectly that I wished I could've taken a mental screenshot to remember this forever. My tears began to fall down to our mouths, and she pulled away.

Ally stood up and held out her hand. I took it and she lifted me up from the sand. She wrapped her coat completely around my shoulders and held me close as we walked back to our room, both of the mugs in her hand. She had to help me walk as I nearly tripped on my own to feet.

She opened the glass door for me and led me inside to our bedroom. I rested atop the sheets as Ally closed the curtains so the sunlight wouldn't shine in my face. She came over to me and sat on the edge of the bed, holding my hand and stroking her thumb over my palm.

"Take all the time you need." she said, and gave a peck to my forehead.

She stood up from the bed and headed towards the door.

"Wait." I said.

"I don't want to be alone."

Ally smiled and came back to the bed, crawling under the sheets behind me and wrapping her arms around my waist.

She gently kissed the back of my neck causing a grin to tug at my lips. I took a deep breath as my eyes began to close, and I was finally able to fall asleep.

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