Baby Steps

Chapter 1

A Day

I always wondered, is life as glamorous as they make it seem? Not just in the movies, I am talking real life here. I see people smiling almost all day long, even through the slightly harder times. I see them looking down on others, which means they believe they are in a better position. I see them playing around, having fun and living as opposed to merely surviving. I see them interacting and putting their whole into things and hoping. And I wonder, am I missing life? Or mis-living it?

My walks to college are my times for thinking. Like right now. I wonder about existence, people, aspirations, hope, anything and everything. I also evaluate my life choices and path. And sometimes I don't think at all. I just mindlessly stroll. I suppose if we say life is beautiful, this would be one of its beauties.

For me life is an undefinable entity full of complications and unfinished stories. Who's to define life when none has even truly lived? Or at least while surely knowing so. We dwell on earth, work for our food and do lots of things just to keep breathing. I wonder why we love life so much!

Excuse my pessimism. Today is one of my bad days. I woke up feeling depressed for no reason at all. I tried finding the root cause, I tried doing things I enjoyed, I tried everything the books suggested I do but nothing worked. I was left feeling depressed and disappointed. I was hoping the walk would help but apparently today even walking doesn't have its usual charm.

I continued my fast walking, actually increased the pace (it probably looked like stomping if I am being honest). I didn't want to be late on top of all the inconviences surrounding my day. I just stepped on something. Just my luck!

I somehow made it not late. The teacher arrived 5 minutes later than usual saving me from having to do the walk of shame. Now I can live my life with no regrets. Life won't break me today.
I wonder if my life would be easier if I become less dramatic!

My day was uneventful. Except if you count me being on the verge of tears twice just up to lunch time and actually crying when I get home eventful. I sat down and wrote hoping it makes things better and it did. I should have known it would work. I then ate to my heart's content and treated myself to snacks while studying just a little. I then took a long shower washing away my bad day and bad feelings and bad everything. By default it was now time for bed.

Things started looking bad again then. I couldn't sleep. My brain kept replaying the day's mishaps. The times my friends didn't notice that I was feeling terrible, how my family didn't notice as well,
or how maybe they noticed but they didn't care, how I actually am a fully functional adult but can't control my emotions, how I feel like I am just existing and going through the motions at this point, how .....

One after the other, everything just started piling up. And soon enough the dam broke and I was crying myself a river. I know I don't have the energy to build a bridge over it so I can cross over, bummer I know. And before I know it I was crying myself to sleep. Sweet, sweet dreams! Sweet indeed.