2.2 | A Lifetime Of You ✓

chapter 7

Seo Lala was a very enthusiastic child. Very. Her love for raccoons stretched very high up and very low, because it wasn't just an attraction. Lala was obsessed with raccoons. Especially that animated, dobok wearing slim and weirdly handsome (Joon never knew raccoons could look so handsome) Yang the Raccoon. 

Lala screamed when Yang was injured, and was pathetically begging for air while the mafia crocodiles kicked him repeatedly. Cyan had to pull his daughter into his lap and tell her that it wasn't real, it was just a movie and Yang was just acting. 

Apparently she believed that Yang was a real raccoon in the Himalayas. And she was already saving money to buy a ticket to Kathmandu and meet Yang. Joon wanted to comment that raccoons weren't found in the Himalayas, they were red pandas. 

The movie was really good. Joon was also in awe at how the studio inculcated extremely large topics into a children's movie. 

Yang the raccoon, originally known at David the fat raccoons was from north Arkansas (wherever that is) and he came to the Himalayas to learn Taekwondo (wrong, because Himalayan monks teach yoga, Yangpyeong monks teach taekwondo) and he learnt Taekwondo from a rejected monk (obviously from Hanyang) who lived all alone in a hut and soon became strong and powerful, and also handsome. 

The red pandas mocked Yang. For not being Himalayan. For looking different. But in the end, Yang proved himself by defeating the river crocodiles and freeing the valley from their tyrannical rule. Yang was accepted whole heartedly, and Yang forgave them. The last panel showed Yang getting shy around a tall musk deer. 

Probably the fourth installment would show his love story and the villainous yak who was the real boss behind those crocodiles. Joon couldn't wait for the next movie. He was already making plans for watching that in the theaters with Cyan and his daughter, seated on recliner chairs and munching on popcorn. 

"Appa!" Lala cried when the movie ended. "I want a raccoon! They are so fluffy! Get me a raccoon, please Appa!" 

Joon could see how Cyan wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He pulled his daughter's cheeks and said, "I can't raise two raccoons all by myself, Princess. Appa is very tired." 

"But fluffy raccoon!" Was Lala's attempt at a comeback. 

"When you're old enough, we will adopt a raccoon, okay?" 

Seo Lala had three stuffed raccoons. One was as big as her, one was so small it could be used as a keychain and the last one was somewhere in the middle. But she wanted an actual raccoon. And that led to her jumping up and down on the couch. 

"She takes on her mother," Cyan laughed, watching his daughter. That sentence was said in a nostalgic tone, a happy memory. But to Joon, it sounded something like: 

I was happily married once. I loved someone else once. Probably still love her. 

Cyan was married. That fact, hearing it from Cyan's own mouth, was harder than Joon had initially expected it to be. He was just a friend, and nothing else. Joon resigned himself to the sidelines, and just watched in a stupid, worthless hope. 

_____

Something had changed. Joon couldn't exactly pinpoint it, but he did feel the air around him and Cyan change. Joon felt it. Every morning, he would place coffees, packets of cookies, and snacks on Cyan's table. And then, he would sometimes see those things in Cyan's hands. 

Also, Joon's desk started to become squeaky clean without having him make an effort. Perhaps, Cyan was the one wiping his keyboard and file stack with a wipe when Joon wasn't looking. His own way of thanking Joon. 

They had become close. Close enough for smiling at inside jokes and sharing lunch at the same table. Sometimes even joke around in breaks at the terrace. 

"Cyan-ssi," Joon started the conversation that morning. His elbows were braced on the bannister, eyes fixed on the seemingly toy world from a height of forty floors. 

"Drop the honorifics," Cyan chuckled. "No one is around anyway." 

"Cyan," Joon said. "Have you ever loved someone before?" 

Cyan must have been taken aback by the suddenness of the invasive question. But he did a phenomenal job of hiding it. He turned his face towards Joon, his eyes hidden by his fluttering hair. His legs were stretched as he leaned against the bannister, his shirt untucked and breath calm. 

"Long ago, once." 

Joon waited for Cyan to speak again. Say something else. But he didn't. They were probably divorced, if anything. Maybe Cyan didn't like to talk about it. And silence stretched between them, far and wide. 

"How old are you?" Joon finally spoke, not being able to take the lack of voices between them. 

"Thirty one." 

"Then I am your Hyung," Joon chuckled, and then looked down at the horizon. 

"You're older than me?" Cyan straightened up abruptly, eyes widening in disbelief. 

"Thirty three," Joon said, and gave a wide smile. "Why? I look that young?" 

"Nothing," Cyan shook his head, "just… I tend to take the role of the older. Anyways, have you ever been in love?" 

"I thought I was," Joon said, suddenly feeling empty, "a few times in college, I've had attractions to a few men. None very major." 

"You like men?" Cyan raised a brow. 

"Let me guess, you like women?" Joon retaliated, raking his eyes up and down Cyan's body suggestively and smirking. 

Cyan laughed. And then hugged his torso. "I don't look at genders. It's somewhat complicated for me." 

"Then?" That little detail struck Joon. 

"When I was young," Cyan sighed, looking up at the sky dreamily, "I thought it ridiculous that I would marry a girl when I grew up. For some reason, I was attracted to almost everyone in my class." 

"Sounds… confusing," Joon said. He couldn't deny it. He did feel a tinge of bitterness when Cyan said that he liked other people. 

"Boys, girls, everyone," Cyan continued, "half the time I was so confused, who should I like… I didn't even have the courage to harbor these kinds of thoughts." 

"So you're…?" 

"I don't know. I don't think much about sexualities. I have a daughter now, she's my first priority." Cyan's eyes felt distant again, somewhere stuck in the past and lonely. "And I seriously doubt anyone would like me now." 

"If you allow them to," Joon whispered. His words were soft, like the wind caressing Cyan's face. "People will love you."