~inspired by the song Cry by The Used~
Cry
I once had a relationship and naive little me thought she was the one. I gave my all to make it work. My friends called me whipped because I did all what she wanted. I loved her so much so I didn’t even mind. I thought she was the one. Until the day she told me it wasn’t working anymore. Until the day she said she needed space and to find herself. She told me I was holding her back and she didn’t love me anymore.
It broke me.
It tore me apart.
It changed me.
My friends did everything to cheer me up. They took to local bar every night to drown my sorrows, to cry and call her names to let go the pain. They took away my mobile so I wouldn’t text her and ring her and beg her to take me back. They helped me to keep my pride and I’ll be forever in their debt.
They were with me for all the months it took me to recover and put myself together. For how long it took me to chin up and start to move on.
And then she calls.
“I— I was wrong, babe,” she cries over the phone and I grip it so tightly I might break it. I don’t know why I picked up. My friends changed her contact address to Let Her Bleed so I wouldn’t pick up if she ever dared to call after what she did to me. Yet I picked up.
“What do you mean?” I ask back and I hear her sob.
“I— I thought I needed space but my life isn’t the same without you. I’m not the same without you. I need you, I miss you.” She pauses and I just wait and wait for what seems an eternity. “I love you.”
I want to laugh not because I’m happy but because I remember so clearly how she treated me. Not only the way she broke up with me but how she always took me for granted, how she never said thank you, how she always put me second or third. She never loved me, she just loved the way I loved her. And she wants that back, doesn’t she?
“That’s a lie,” I say and I can hear her gasp. “You don’t love me, you never did. You don’t know what love is,” I spat feeling better than whenever I got pissed at the bar.
Telling her this is more therapeutic than all the other things I did.
“I— that’s not true. I loved you and I— I thought I needed space but I was wrong. We all make mistakes! Can’t you forgive me? I’m sorry,” she cries again but I can’t believe her. She just wants her dog following her everywhere, telling her how she’s so important and the best.
Why? Why do some people need others to love them when they can’t even love back? Is it because they don’t even love themselves so they need others to love them to know that someone can do that? But that’s wrong. You need to love yourself to love someone back if you want someone to love you. Love has to be mutual. You have to give love, not just receive it.
I love myself. I respect myself and I won’t jump again into this.
“No,” I say and then it’s just silence. “You made me go through hell when you left me like that. Remember how cruel you were? What you said when I begged you to think it twice?”
She doesn’t reply but the memory is clear in my mind.
Stop begging, you just look pathetic.
That froze me to the core. She treated me like that and now she’s the one begging to have me back. But no, I won’t do it. I won’t make the same mistake again. No matter how much I loved her once and how much a part of me still loves her. I won’t be her dog anymore. I’ve had enough of that.
“I won’t go back to you like this. I’m not that easy. Now you suffer, you cry and understand what I felt when you treated me like that. Now it’s your turn. Repent after what you did to me,” I tell her, knowing the full extent of my cruel words, but revenge is sometimes necessary, especially when your heart has been broken.
“Babe,” she whimpers and I chuckle humourlessly.
“No. If you really want me back you’ll have to do so much more that a simple call. You’ll have to beg and show me you learnt your lesson. You’ll have to ask, over and over again… nicer than that,” I add with a smirk coming to my lips, thinking of the song I’ve hold on for the past months. The song that has become my anthem: I Bury Myself Alive by The Used. “Goodnight,” I add and hang up, feeling strong and confident. Feeling like myself again after so long.
Feeling in The Used mode, I go to my stereo and plug in my mobile, search for a song that I wanted to feel and that now suits me: Cry. That is exactly what I’m feeling now and a proof that I’ve moved on. I’ve really done it. Changing to this song is the evolution of myself.
I’m great.
