Tears Mean Weakness

Chapter 3

"I had never been so sure of anything... but that didn't mean I was happy about it..."

The laundry room was full. All 100 trainees were in there washing their clothes after training, and drying their wet towels from this week's showers. I stood at one of the basins that was filled with soapy water and scrubbed at my training T-shirt that was caked in mud. The sleeves of my jersey were rolled up above my elbows, as I swirled my hands around the soapy sink.
Austin stood at the sink beside mine, scrubbing his boots to get the dried mud off of them. It was pretty noisy in there, he had to shout for me to hear him.
"How'd you think Blair is settling in?" he shouted. I looked over toward the tall, brown haired and lanky kid who was washing his clothes whilst talking to Rowan.
"As well as can be expected," I shouted back. "He's not taking any longer or shorter to settle than the rest of us." Austin nodded, still scrubbing away at his boots. Flakes of dry mud collected at the bottom of his basin.
"Sunday tomorrow. Any plans, Jacobsen?"
"Same old, same old," I replied sighing. "My free time is normally laundry, sleep or just chilling with you guys. I don't do anything interesting." I took my T-shirt out of the now rather murky water and began to wring it out.
"What about you?"
"Hmm, probably the same as you. I think some of the others are playing basketball. I'll probably pass on that one, just do some maths studies or something," said Austin. "At least we can sit up talking for a while after Sergeant has called by. We don't have to be up early." I threw my T-shirt in the pile with my wet towels, and started on my boots. Austin handed me the scrubbing brush.
"I've got a deck of cards under my mattress," I said, scrubbing away. "I'll give you a game of Gin later?" Austin narrowed his eyes.
"What's in it for me?" he said, smirking. I thought about what little I had to offer to anyone. Money wasn't needed in an Army Base. You got fed, got clean clothes, (provided you did your laundry), and had soap and shower essentials replaced in your shack every Sunday. Nobody had access to any candy, or anything of the sort. Every Sunday we were given dessert after dinner, which resulted in double laps every Monday morning, to burn off the calories.
"My dessert, tomorrow night," I propose. Austin nods.
"Deal." Sergeant walks in the door of the laundry room, and blows his whistle. Instantly the room falls to silence.
"Finish up in here," he growls. "Dinner is in 10 minutes."
I grab my wet towels and T-Shirt and throw them into the dryer. As the dryer rumbles away, I get the last specks of mud off of my boots and tuck them into the bottom of the basket. Pulling the plug, I let the murky water go down the drain, as the dryer bleeps. I open the door, and pull out the towels. They were warm and bone dry. They were placed on top of my boots in the basket. My training t-shirt was now once again clean, dry and green, instead of brown. I folded it into the basket also, and then placed the plastic lid on top. The rain was still bucketing down, the sky rumbling angrily. I pulled up my hood, and carried my basket out of the door, both Austin and I making a break for it.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
The shack appeared to be empty, all of the bunks now neatly made. I carried my basket over to the edge of Rowan's bunk and took out my towels and t-shirt. I folded them all in a neat pile and placed them on the top shelf, leaving the bottom shelf clear for Rowan. As Austin and I buzzed around in silence, I heard a small sustained whimper coming from inside the shack. I looked at Austin, who seemed to have heard it also. The sound came again, coming from the end of the bedroom. Austin pressed his finger to his lips, and pointed up to the end bunks. We both tiptoed down and knelt on the floor.
After counting to three we lifted the sheet, to reveal Blair. He lay under his bunk, curled up in a little ball, tears streaming down his face. I looked at Austin under the bed.
"What's up, man?" he eventually said.
Blair wiped his tears away.
"My Dad," he whispered. I knew before Blair had even said so, that was what was wrong. I looked at Austin in a way that meant, "Say something". He looked blank, and shrugged.
"Come out from under there," I said kindly. Blair shifted out from under the bed, and sat on the edge of the bunk instead. I sat cross-legged on the floor in front of him. This time I was the one who was blank. I didn't really know what to say to him. I knew the feeling of losing someone all too well. However, I didn't know the feeling of losing your parent because of war. I was currently training to become a Soldier: a job which revolved around fighting. In war, people were killed, murdered, tens at a time. Blair's dad was one of those people. I could only imagine that Blair was full of hatred toward the Soldier who shot the bullet that killed his father, even though he had no way of knowing who he was. My Mom killed herself, so technically I should have hated her for killing my Mom. The more I thought about this theory, the more complicated it became. So I vowed to myself that I would just have to let bygones be bygones.
"I know it's hard, Blair. I can't pretend it's easy. I lost my Mom, you know," I said. He nodded.
"You told us earlier," he sniffed.
"Yeah, and I'm still here, I got through it. I also can't pretend to relate to how you feel. The whole not knowing who killed him. I suspect you feel passionate hatred toward whoever did it," I said, beginning to explain my theory. "But remember, all of the Soldiers go out there to do the same job - and your father probably killed some other kid's father," I said. Blair nodded again.
"That's the thing about the army - it's a vicious killing game," Austin added. I smiled at him weakly. Then I looked back at Blair.
"We've all lost family, you know. Every one of us here. So you can view it on two ways. 1) Now that your on your own, you have no-one left to lose," I said. "Or... 2) You can let us become your second family." Blair looked up at us both. I smiled at him.
"Your choice," I said, standing up. "I'm starving. You coming to dinner, Blair?"
He kept his head down.
"In a minute," he said.
Austin and I headed back out into the downpour, our trainers splashing through the muddy ditches in the road that were now filled with rain water.
When we reached the food hall, we took our hoods down and shook our hands dry.
"Poor kid," said Austin. "Why d'you think he joined an Army training programme if his father died at war?" he asked.
"It's the whole following in his footsteps thing, isn't it? Trying to do him proud," I replied. I held open the door to the food hall, as we walked inside.
"Is that why your here, Jacobsen? To do your father proud?"
"Not really," I hesitated. "I mean, maybe on some level. But if it weren't for my father I wouldn't be here."
"What d'you mean?" Austin asked passing me a tray.
"Well, he always wanted to raise a kid, just so he could train them, send them to a war-zone and potentially risk them being killed." I approached the counter, and had a ladle of runny mashed potatoes dumped on my tray along with rabbit stew and a cup of water.
"Every parents dream, right?" Austin said sarcastically.
"For sure." I carried my tray over to the table and sat down with Austin beside me.
The rest of the trainees came pouring in from the rain, all shaking off the raindrops and grabbing trays. The seats filled up quick, but there was still no sign of Blair.
"Do you see Payton?" I asked Liam. He shook his head.
"I think he's still in the shack," he said. I took the last gulp of my water, and set the cup down, still looking around for Blair. Austin looked too.
"Is he here yet?" he asked.
"I don't see him." I swivelled around, scanning each table. He definitely wasn't here. I knew he had to be in the shack. I grabbed a polystyrene cup from the water tank, and poured the remainders if my stew inside. I secured the plastic lid on top, and put a plastic fork in my pocket.
"You finished, Hunter?" I asked Austin. He nodded, his mouth full. I took my plate up to the sink, and rinsed it with the faucet spring. We both placed our plates on the trolley and hoisted our hoods back up to shield ourselves from the beginning of a hurricane.
We sprinted through the base, avoiding holes in the road. I held the polystyrene cup in both hands, my thumbs keeping the lid on. When we reached the shack, I pulled down my hood, and dried off the cup on my hoodie. Austin held open the door for me.
"Hey, Payton! I thought you said you'd only be a minute," I called. I pulled off my trainers using my feet, and placed them on the shelf alongside my clean clothes. I couldn't see Blair, but I assumed he would have crawled back under the bunks.
"Never mind, I brought you stew. You wouldn't have made it all night without food," I said. There was still no response. Austin piped in.
"Come on, buddy. You can't stay under there forever," he said. I placed the stew on the bench and followed Austin to the bunk. We both pulled up the sheet - and this time there was nothing. No kid crying, no trainee curled up in a ball, nothing. Austin furrowed his brow.
"Check the bathroom," I said. Austin checked, and there was nothing.
We checked under all of the bunks, in case for whatever reason Blair fancied staring at the bottom of a different mattress. There was still nothing.
"Maybe he went to dinner after all," said Austin. "We could have ran by him." I nodded.
"Let's go check though," I suggested.
"What if he comes back here?"
"Good point," I agreed. "I'll stay here, you check the food hall."
Austin ran out, pulling up his hood. He was probably right. We had just ran by Blair, on his way to dinner like he said. But something didn't seem right. I had a queasy feeling eating away at my stomach. It could've been bad meat, or indigested potato gunk. Whilst these theories could've easily been true, I knew they weren't. The reason I felt this way was because deep down I knew Blair wasn't at the food hall. Or anywhere else in the compound.
For now all I could do, was sit on the bench, my feet up on a stool, wait for Austin - and watch the stew grow cold.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Eventually Austin returned, soaking wet and out of breath - and alone.
"He's not there," he panted. I checked the gyms, the laundry room, the seamstress and even the field. I tried everywhere, Jacobsen. Please say he came back here."
"If he did, don't you think I would've said something by now?" I said, a little rudely. We both stood in silence for a few moments.
"He's gone, isn't he, Hunter? He's ran away, gone AWOL." Austin looked up at me.
"I think so," he said.
I knew Blair would have tried to get away, but I figured, we'd be here to stop him. And now we let him get away. It wasn't safe out there, not for a kid like Blair anyway. He'd be trying to get home, which was impossible, unless he had enough money stashed in his shoe to buy him a plane ticket to New York. He'd end up sleeping rough, and he'd be caught, and brought back. If he lasted that long. I had to do something. I couldn't let him go and either starve to death, or be captured by some lunatic. I had to help him. But right now I wasn't sure which was helping Blair; bringing him back or letting him go.
*** *** ***
The rest of the trainees were back from dinner and had all been informed of Blair's disappearance. We all sat in a circle around the shack.
"What should we do? Let him go, or get him back?" I asked everyone. There was a few seconds of silence.
"Let him go," said Tommy. "Kids like Blair, they don't last in places like this."
"Then he's not going to last out there either, is he?" said George. "We gotta get him back, Jacobsen. Definitely."
"If by some miracle we get him back, though. Won't he just try to run again?" said Will. "Like you said, Stevens, kids like him don't last here."
I let them debate about what to do whilst I thought of Blair, alone and likely terrified.
... ask Jacobsen, she'll know," said Rowan. I snapped out of my daze.
"Ask me what?"
"Is Blair depressed?" asked Will. Everyone looked at me.
"How should I know?" I said.
"Well, not to upset you, but didn't you watch your Mom when she was depressed? What are the symptoms?" said Liam. I shrugged.
"It's different for everyone," I said. I looked at them all. I knew that he was depressed and I knew that he was in danger. I didn't want to admit that he was. Maybe I wanted to convince myself he was alright, but I couldn't play games anymore.
"He was bad," I said. "Not critical, but bad. Which is why, regardless of whether he comes back or not, I think we should tell Sergeant. Blair's not very strong right now, physically or emotionally, and he needs help." Everyone agreed.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Sergeant stalked up and down the shack listening to Rowan tell the tale of missing Blair.
"And when do you suppose he went missing, Jacobsen?" asked Sergeant.
"Anytime between when the rest of the trainees left the shack and Hunter and I came back, Sir. Which was between 6 and 6:15, Sergeant," I said. Sergeant nodded. He looked over to where Blair's things should have been. He had taken everything with him.
"I shall alert the Soldiers," said Sergeant. "See if they can look over video tapes and track down where he got to." We nodded.
"Go to bed, immediately. As you were."
As he walked out, everyone sighed with relief. We grabbed our sweats, and the boys headed to the bathroom to get changed. I sat in my bunk, ready for bed in my grey sweat pants and white top with my hair scraped back into a ponytail. I felt the deck of cards under my paper thin mattress and remembered the bet I had going on with Austin. I wasn't in the mood to play anymore.
I was scared the last time I ever seen Blair Payton was under a bunk bed in tears over the loss of his father. However I'd much have rathered that than at his funeral. He wouldn't last out there. Blair was weak, just like my mom.
"Maybe she wasn't weak. Maybe she had just been strong for too long."
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Everyone lay in their bunks, awake. Rowan broke the silence.
"D'you think they'll find him?" He wasn't talking any of us in particular. Will seemed the only one brave enough to answer.
"Yeah. I mean it's Blair, he can't exactly survive alone," he said.
"So what if they don't find him?" I said.
"Don't you worry, Jacobsen, they'll have him back by morning," said Logan. I hoped he was right.
I lay awake listening as the room was gradually filled steady breathing, reassurance that everyone was asleep. Hours passed, and I still lay awake, rigid and worrying. I heard Austin fidget in his sleep.
"You awake, Hunter?" I whispered.
"Yeah, are you?" he replied.
"You do know it was me who said that, right?" I said somewhat jokingly. He sniggered.
"Why aren't you asleep?"
"Just...thinking," I replied.
"About Blair?"
"Yeah. Do you really think he'll make it back, Hunter? What if they're too late when they find him? If they find him?" I asked. Austin was silent, until finally he said,
"Cards?" He dodged my question. Maybe he was like me, didn't know what to think.
"Sure," I said, pulling up the corner of my mattress, and grabbing the deck. I leaped from my bed to his, just making it and scrambling up the wooden frame.

Austin sat with his cards in hand, looking at me expectantly. I was picking which of my cards to play. The shack was in darkness, and the wind howled like a wolf.
"Three of spades," I said. He couldn't see what I had put down, so he just had to trust I was telling the truth.

"Poor 'lil guy," said Austin. "Clearly doesn't want to be here."
"Join the club," I sighed.
"Why don't... Jack of hearts.... Why don't you want to be here, Jacobsen?"
I shrugged, I actually didn't mind the camp anymore, but I'd have liked to have a choice of lifestyle, rather than dumped here by my father.
"I don't know," I finally said. "I guess it's not so bad, but it wasn't my choice to come here. I guess it's home now." I looked at Austin, who was no more than a dark shadow at this moment.
"Did you have a choice, Hunter?" I asked.
"Yeah I did. It was either here or Alabama, where I grew up all of my life, I came here. I chose here." I looked at him.
"How were you so sure you could leave? I mean Alabama, it's where you grew up," I said.
"I had never been so sure of anything,... but that didn't mean I was happy about it." He said.
I was confused. Maybe Austin, Blair and I were all the same. We didn't want to be here.
"What d'you mean?" I said, shuffling my cards expectantly.
"Well, Alabama was my home. But home held too many memories of my sister, my mom and my dad," he said, pausing. "So I made my decision, I wanted to find a new home, one that didn't have these memories. I knew it was the right decision, I made, but it was still hard." I nodded. I trusted Austin, and I knew no one else was awake.
"Me too," I whispered. I seen Austin's shadow lift it's head.
"I thought your father chose to send you here, Jacobsen," he said.
"He did. And whilst it was cruel, harsh and not fatherly in the slightest - it worked out alright," I said, looking around the shack. Austin laughed a little.
"But that doesn't change that he's a bad father," I said, somewhat defensively.
"Course it doesn't."
We continued to play cards, in silence, only speaking to name which card we had played. Until Austin finally said,
"Lola?" The fact that he called me Lola, gave me a tiny sense of fear.
"Yeah?"
"If your father gave you the decision, whether to go back to the house, or stay here - what would you choose?" He waited for my answer.
I processed my options: the shack, or the house. The house held memories,(some better than others), and it was my birthplace. My room was still there, with all of my belongings. I knew my father wouldn't have bothered to move them. The house held memories, belongings - but it also held my father. He was no more than a stranger to me. I looked around.
"Here," I finally replied.
"A cold, basic shack with nine other boys and a very indecent bathroom... is where you'd rather be than your home?" he said. I hugged my knees to my chest.
"There's more to it than that, Hunter," I said. "The shack is home now. Besides, there is nothing loving about that man," I said. I assumed he knew I meant my father.
"I have more family here, than I'll ever have with him. Besides, it's kind of fun here. Just like having ninety nine brothers." We both laughed.
I threw my last card down, smiling triumphantly.
"Well, Hunter, I do believe you owe me your dessert tomorrow," I said. He sighed.
"Fair play, Jacobsen," he said. I grabbed the cards, and placed them back in the packet.
"I should go get some sleep," I said. "You should too." I leapt effortlessly from Austin's top bunk to mine. I lay down, and Austin threw the cards over to me. I tucked them back under my mattress.
"Goodnight Jacobsen," said Austin.
"Night," I mumble.
I lay awake long after Austin's breaths evened out, and I knew he was asleep. I thought of what I said to Austin.
"Like having ninety nine brothers."
It was true, each of the boys were like brothers to me. I had known many since I started here, met new comers. I was currently the longest term resident at the Army Base. I watched as many of my 'brothers' came and went, and now I lay awake thinking how I may have just lost one more...
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I tossed and turned all night. I was pretty sure that I hadn't slept all night, however every time I checked the clock an hour had passed in what felt like a few minutes. Every hour, I looked to the end of the room, to Blair's bunk, in the hope that he would be lying there - safe and sound. The bunk remained neatly made and empty. I couldn't sleep thinking about Blair, out there alone as the rain battered down on him. I wondered if I'd survive alone. I was strong, intelligent and built like a Soldier. Sure I was Soldier material - but I was still just a kid. In the Army, your taught to survive alone. But there was no practical work on it. I was always surrounded by someone.
"Please come back, Blair. Please."