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D e s p o n d e n c e

> R E Q U E S T. If ya ain't any of the @'s below pls pls plsss kindly, GO Away. This isn't meant for ur eyes.......

Pikachukm Kim_jinx95

yong_minji/stupidass1969 

pastel_chubs -park_vinlee-  <

If u still decided to read on cos of curiosity- Fine I won't hold it against u.... Juss- I'm vulnerable so pls- Juss.... Dun use it against me-

 I know unnie's most definitely gonna smack me becos of this and honestly- Pls do it-

But once again I'm hella disappointed in myself lol. But then again, when am I NOT disappointed in myself?? Rare occasions heh. I- I can't deal with me anymore- I hate me so damn much it's juss inexpressible. I made a resolve, that I'll be someone anyone can depend on no matter what, but every time, Every-Single-Fucking-Time, I go open my stupid ass mouth and ruin it. I say I won't cross boundaries, I will respect everyone and take account to every single one of my actions and how it affects someone no matter who they are before I even take an action. Yet- Yet e-everytime I get comfortable I break it- I fucking hate that.

Why?? Just why can't I do something I really want right?? You wanna know what made me wanna change so damn much, my dear soulmates?? Once in 8th grade, a good friend and classmate of mine said, her first impression on me was that of an unfaithful, untrustworthy gossiper. Of course that was what she thought at first glance, she assured me that she knew later on that that wasn't true. But even though it wasn't her fault, that's where my phobia began- Atelophobia: Fear of imperfection or not being good enough.

As a human I am very well aware that I'll never be perfect. But I want to be my own type of perfect, to be someone I wish I can be for myself and others by accepting my flaws and improving those I deem necessary to be a better me, but it seems due to my stupid self it'll forever remain a wish.

I don't really cry so easily.... It takes a great deal for me to get actual tears out of my eyes. The two things that can make me cry in an instant though is the disappointment of loved ones and loosing them, and my parents, no matter how much I wish the latter didn't have a impact on my tears.

But heh- I'm choking up as I'm writing this, the only reason I don't have the tears clouding my eyes and falling is because my mother dearest near by and I don't want her to see me vulnerable with my choice given.

I hate me, I hate how when I get too comfortable I loose filter to my actions and words. I end up saying or doing something stupid, without even following through my resolves. I wish I didn't talked at all- And today proved to me that I'm a disappointment at the greatest. No matter what I do, no matter what anyone says to this, I don't know if I'll ever be able to convince myself I'm otherwise. 

I wish I could tell myself and that I'm no disappointment. But I can't, because that's a lie. Let me illustrate this for you. Here's me, talking to myself through the mirror and boosting my confidence, my reflection showing not only my encouraged smile but also the smiles of people I care about. Suddenly I raise my hand and fist bump with the mirror, but due to my stupidity I hit too hard, shattering the mirror beyond repair, ruining the reflections, the smiles and faces broken, looking distorted. Thus I'm the cause of being a disappointment. I wanna change this, I wanna be better but how fucking can I?? I never change, it hasn't happened to me*tears up, choking down my sobs*

I'm a disappointment to me. I don't care what others say to that. I disappointed myself so fucking many damn times, that it affects everything and EVERYONE around me. Don't tell me I didn't annoy the shit out of you that it pissed you off to the point of disappointment at LEAST once. And I do it, over and over and over and OVER again.

I FUCKING HATE THIS. WHY??? WHY CAN'T I STOP?? WHY CAN'T I IMPROVE?? NO MATTER HOW HARD I WISH AND TRY FOR IT??? WHY THE HELL JUST WHY???

I want to be saved from this- I want to be pulled out of this Rabbit Hole. But the only thing I want to save me from it is myself. For once and for good- to be able to tell myself that I'm not a disappointment anymore, th-that I-i won't b-break the mirror with my stu-stupidity anymore- Why is that so hard?? I'm not asking for a lover's help here, not e-even my friends- I want to be saved by myself- why i-is that so hard f-for me t-to get??*breaks down crying, huddling into a corner and wraps into myself*

I discovered a new fear today...... It was an insecurity but now it's a fear........

The fear of loosing everything and everyone around me due to one wrong move made by me, by one wrong step, one wrong word, one wrong look, one wrong joke............ Disappointment.... That's all I get to tell myself in the end. A endless rabbit hole of my own voice screaming at me at how much of a disappointment I am, how I disappoint and disappointed myself...... And my loved ones....... And always continue to do so......