The Rest of Our Lives

What's Left of Me?

"Why's that?"

"John is no longer here and it's my fault." Lily would of been crying if she had any more tears to shed.

"How is it you're fault?"

"I left him when he needed someone."

"Did you put that gun in his hand?"

"No but..."

"Did you pull the trigger?"

"No..."

"Then how is this your fault Lily?"

"I...I should of been there. I should of forced him to go see someone." Lily had pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

"You can't force someone to do something they do not want to do. John had to take that step." Lily stayed silent. "You did everything you could. You tried to get him help, you made appointments for him to talk to someone, you did everything you could to help John."

Lily locked eyes with Dr. Charles "But it wasn't enough."

"Unfortunately sometimes we give our all and it's not enough. This world is a cruel place. John's demons got to him and made him believe that he was alone."

"But he wasn't alone."

"I know that. You know that but in John's mind he was alone and had no one." Lily looked away from Dr. Charles and fell silent. "You can't save everyone Lily."

The anger was beginning to build up inside Lily. She knew she couldn't save everyone but why did it have to be someone she was close too. Someone she had loved. "Why him though?! Why couldn't I save John?!"

"Depression doesn't care. It's a mental illness that does not discriminate. It doesn't care about age, sex, hair color, social status or anything else. You could be the richest person in the world and have everything you want or need and depression will still come after you."

Somehow Lily had found more tears to shed. She knew Dr. Charles was right. She knew sometimes depression won. She had almost lost her battle with depression years ago but somehow she pulled herself out of the dark.

"Lily, there are still people out there that you can save but you can't do that as long as you stay in this room. You gotta get up and get back out there."

"How do I make myself understand that I can't save everyone?"

"Unfortunately Lily, that is something you will have to figure out on your own. Some losses will be harder than others but you have to remember that this is life and no one gets out a live."

Lily wiped her tears and looked right at Dr. Charles "Thank you."

"Anytime. My office is always open if you need to chat."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Dr. Charles smiled, then got up and left Lily's room. Lily went and jumped in the shower and got ready for work. She knew every day would be a battle but it would eventually become easier.

***

Dr. Charles walked back downstairs where Shay, Severide, and Chief Boden sat in silence. They all jumped up when Dr. Charles came down the stairs.

"How is she?"

"She is doing okay. Some days will be easier than other for her. She is going to need your support and love. I've worked with Lily a lot over the last couple years. She is a strong girl and tries to hide her emotions. Just make sure she knows she can come talk to you guys and you won't judge her."

"Thank You Dr. Charles."Chief Boden walked over to Dr. Charles and shook his hand.

"Anytime Chief. Call me if you guys need anything."

Everyone nodded their heads and shook Dr. Charles hand. Dr. Charles then left to head back to the hospital.

5 minutes after Dr. Charles left Lily came down the stairs fully dressed and her bag on her shoulder. She was a bit surprised to see that the Chief, Shay and Kelly were still there.

"You guys are still here?"

"Of course." Kelly walked over and engulfed her in a hug.

Lily returned Kelly's hug. She felt as if all her problems had disappeared the second she was in Kelly's arms. But it didn't last. Kelly stepped back so Shay could give Lily a hug.

After Shay let go Lily walked over and stood in front of Chief Boden. "I apologize for my absence Chief. I understand that there maybe consequences for my actions."

Chief Boden looked her up and down. "I'm happy to see you have recovered from having the flu. The team will be happy to have you back."

Lily smiled. "Happy to be back Chief." Lily knew this meant she wouldn't face any consequences for not showing up to work.

Chief Boden smiled. "Let's head back to 51."

They all headed out and climbed into battalion 25. They then drove back to firehouse 51. The feeling in the SUV was much lighter and not as intense as the drive over had been. Shay and Kelly were both happy to see Lily outside of the house again. Hoping this meant their best friend was going to be okay.