A Feeling Of Normality [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

Part 31. Saving The Winter Soldier.

"What are you talking about?" Bucky asks confused and places his hand on hers to pull it away from his face and bring some distance between them to figure out what she's talking and worrying about.

[Y/N] sighs and slips away from under him so she can sit up and lean her back against the head of the bed. Her look is apologetic and she can feel her heartbeat accelerate as she worries that Bucky might get angry and that they might fight again. Even if the last argument between them hadn't lasted long, it had hurt a lot.

"[Y/N], what did you and Wanda do today?" Bucky asks more sternly as he slowly begins to put the pieces of the puzzle together. He already knows he won't like the answer, as all of [Y/N]'s demeanor suggests rather negative news. He too takes a seated position, right across from her and fixes her with his gaze so that she cannot avoid him.

"Wanda helped me remember" mutters the latter as bravely as possible but her gaze is avoiding Bucky at first. It takes all her courage to look up at him again to figure out if he's getting mad already. "I- I remember" she stutters. "Not everything. But what was left of my memories."

Bucky shakes his head quickly. "And you are sorry for what exactly?" he asks, his confusion clearly visible.

"You are not angry?" [Y/N] asks confused and Bucky sighs.

"I know you well enough by now to know that you are just as stupid as me and act before you think. I already guessed that you and Maximoff were up to no good."

"He acts before he thinks, says Steve's voice of reason."

[Y/N]'s answer hits Bucky unexpected, as it's completely out of context, and he has to chuckle. "What do you remember?" he asks softly.

Her gaze becomes more serious again but Bucky can see that she is now relaxing a little and is surprised that her concern that they would argue again has made her feel so insecure. "My time with Hydra" she replies and then takes a deep breath. Her tongue wanders over her lower teeth as she ponders how to proceed. But even after the last few hours she spent on thinking of a proper way to tell him, her thoughts are just as chaotic as before. "I remember Emily, my best friend. And what Hydra did to me. What Hydra did to you."

"What they did to me?" Bucky repeats surprised but his voice is stuck in his throat at the thought.

He sees [Y/N]'s eyes wettening as she nods. "They told me about you, Buck. They boasted how successful the experiments on you were and how they erased your memories. They threatened me that if I don't cooperate, I would suffer a similar fate."

Bucky looks at his counterpart in disbelief, while he feels a big lump in his throat. His mind races as he tries to understand while just the thought of it hurts him terrible, not to mention the pain from his own memories that catch up on him. [Y/N]'s voice also sounds more muffled while tears form in her eyes. "We never met but you were always there. I'm so sorry... I should have looked for you after Dr. Zola-... I should have saved you... We should have... I could have helped you. I... Maybe I could have saved you, saved you from your fate" she presses out as tears run down her face. Up until that point, [Y/N] hadn't even realized how much the subject had weighed on her. Only now does she understand that she could have done so much more. If she had only thought about it more then she could have helped him. She had missed saving Emily but maybe she could have saved Bucky if she hadn't drowned in self-pity.

While Bucky's thoughts are still circling wildly, he blinks at his couterpart in astonishment. His memories of being the Winter Soldier remain painful and he remembers the heartless killer he once used to be. But instead of drowning in the pain of his past, there is another pain that helps him focus and sort his thoughts. The woman in front of him is crying and hurting and he can't stand that. He shuffles closer to [Y/N] until he can cup her face in his hands and force her to lock eyes with him. "I'm so done seeing you cry, [Y/N]" he says sternly. "I was an assassin back then. There's nothing anyone could have done for me."

"But-"

"Don't you even dare to finish that sentence!" he interrupts her all serious and determining. "And don't you dare to think you could have saved me! Because you already do!"

"I do what?" [Y/N] mumbles as she has problems to keep looking at his blue-greenish eyes that have never looked so haunting.

"Save me! Isn't that obvious? God, I hate it when you make me say those things out loud. Things were much easier when I pretended to not care" he sighs and let's go of her face to move his hand through his hair to calm his nerves. "You've been there for me ever since you know me, [Y/N]. You're saving me with all that stubbornness and kindness and humor that's within you."

A few seconds pass in which [Y/N] just looks at him. "You went from being all sweet to being a douchebag within seconds here" she then mumbles but Bucky can see the playful spark in her eyes and he glances at her furiously.

"You're stealing me all my nerves, I swear" he frowns which makes [Y/N] lough out loud now as she moves closer to him again to wrap her hands around his neck. Her touch alone makes his frustration disappear and he shudders under the feeling of her skin on his. His blue-greenish eyes look deep into her [y/ec] eyes as she moves closer to give him a soft kiss.

"Luckily for you, I like both of you. The douchebag Bucky and the sweet Bucky. And all the other versions of James that are within you."

Fluttered by her words, Bucky smirks and places his hands on each side of her waist to pull her onto his lap. "I don't want you to ever feel guilty for me. I was an Assasian back then and not even you could have saved me. Okay? No one could have. But you save me now. Day by day." And before [Y/N] can say something cheeky to ruin that moment, Bucky presses his lips on hers to make her shut up for good.