God, I hate You

extended ending

nearly two weeks have passed since buckys funeral. i'm trying my best to make life normal again but it's really fucking difficult. i walk past his bedroom and sometimes expect him to walk out and embrace me in one of his warm, safe hugs. but that hasn't happened. steve's normal again, but i know it's all an act. he puts up this tough shell but, some nights, he comes into my room, face flooded with tears.

i sat in the kitchen, a half eaten plum sitting on my plate as i held a book in my hands, the hobbit. each turn of a page sending me into a different dimension, away from all this agony and pain. which is extremely helpful, pietro goes out of his way to buy me books, he knows that it helps me forget everything slightly. he gives me space when i need it and gives me comfort when i need it, he's the most precious friend you could ever have.

sam came into the kitchen, sending me a soft smile as he placed an envelope in front of me. i frowned at it and looked back up at him, expecting an explanation. he said nothing, but gave my shoulder a squeeze before walking out. i let out a soft sigh and set my book down. picking up the slightly crinkled envelope, i turned it over, my heart thumped in my chest when i saw the hand writing. it was buckys writing scrawled over the front.
doll
i inhaled deeply and stood up, sliding the envelope into my back pocket before walking to my bedroom and shutting the door behind me.

i swallowed the lump in my throat and sat on top of my bed, crossing my legs as i stared at the envelope sitting on top of the emerald green covers. my mind whirring. after a few minutes of thinking, i picked it up. my hands were shaking as i peeled the seal open and pulled a folded up piece of paper from inside it. i unfolded the paper and began to read.

y/n,
i'm guessing if you read this, i haven't made it, but you have. and that's what matters.
i'm praying you don't hate me, even though, for you that would be impossible. my charms always fixed everything between us.

tears clouded my vision but i couldn't help but laugh,

make sure steve's okay, he's an old man, go easy on him for christ's sake. i'm writing this a few days prior to when i'm going to ask you a question, a question that will hopefully change my life for the better.
i don't know what to say, i'm not one to write goodbye letters. but, as much as i hate to say this, don't spend the rest of your life grieving over me. find yourself someone, someone who will take care of you. although it may be impossible to find someone as amazing as me, i know a few good people out there. pietro is a good man, even you know that, he takes care of you just as much as i did. you better keep me first in your heart my love, or i may just have to be a spirit watching over your every move.

unless you've already checked, there's a little something in the envelope for you.

doll, i will always love you.
~james x

i choked on the tears and snot spewing over my face as i hid my face in the blankets. my thumb tracing over his writing, knowing that a few weeks ago he was holding this paper. after my crying slowed down a bit, i grabbed the envelope and held it upside down. shaking it to send something falling onto the bed. i wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and stared at what bucky had left me.
a dog tag, the one he wore when he was in the war. i picked it up with shaky hands and held it tightly, smiling through my tears.

there was a knock on the door and pietro walked in. a sympathetic smile on his face as he took a seat beside me.
"are you okay y/n/n?" he asked quietly, rubbing my shoulder. i nodded and put the chain on, staring down at it and then back up at pietro. pietro said nothing but put his arm around me, comforting me with his silence. he placed a kiss on the side of my head and i closed my eyes tightly.
'you'll always be first' i thought to myself.