Lecture on Vampires, and How to Kill Them

Audio transcript #0-01

Good evening, recruits. I am pleased to see so many of you have turned up for this lecture. I assure you that this will not be a waste of your time. Now, as you all know, today I shall be lecturing you on vampires; to be more precise, on the four main methods to kill them. Let me move straight onto the first meth…

Yes? What is it?

Are you for real? No! Werewolf Weakening lecture is performed on the 47th floor! Weren’t you paying attention?

Don’t you use that tone with me! Who do you think you are?

That’s it. Duty officer! Take down her ID. Let’s see how rude she is after twenty hours of primal beasts latrine duty.

Now. Where was I? Oh yes. Thank you. I was about to speak on the four main methods of dealing with vampires. As you all very well know – from various first-hand experiences, no doubt – vampires are really hard to kill. The unholy sorcery that empowers those carcasses makes them much more durable and, more importantly, more regenerative. Many Hunt Hounds have been lost because what they assumed to be an eliminated vampire threat suddenly became uneliminated. What I tell you will probably save your lives so listen well and don’t fall asleep, like that guy over there; duty officer, take his ID down too.

The first method I will teach you is the method second most favored by directors of Hollywood: decapitation. Most vampires – and by that, I mean 89.44% of them – are not capable of reproducing their heads once they lose them. Apparently, most of them regenerate through conscious effort; meaning, if you detach the heads from their body, they will stay headless. It is at this point that some of you may be thinking, ‘But Mr Rendall, what about the 10.56% of those who can regrow their heads? How do they do it?’ and to that question, my answer is: I don’t know. The doctors in lab say those special vampiric folks somehow trigger regeneration via any nerve system in their bodies. I say since method number one did not work, move onto method number two.

Second method is the one near and dear to my heart. It is also the method most favored by directors of Hollywood. Yes, ladies and gentlemen; I speak of conflagration. For those who are not so attuned with English language in general, that means fire. Burn those bloodsuckers. It works and it works well. Throughout history, there have been only four vampires who survived after being torched. If you do meet one that doesn’t die to flames, before you die, be satisfied in the knowledge that you were killed by a historic figure. For the rest of you mundane mortals, just stick to fire. Ah, right. Almost forgot… The head honchos above wanted me to tell you that fire is not always an option in our work. I say that’s bull but what do I know? Maybe the vampire you are hunting is in your bank or something. Guess you can’t burn your bank. Anyway, if such a scenario occurs, I want you to curse your misfortune and go to method three.

Who here are butchers? Only you? Ever drained humans before? Haha, no answer, huh? That was a trick question. Anyway, method three is to drain the vampire of all its blood. Some sicko years ago found out vampires can’t regenerate their blood; do not ask what he was doing at the time. Now, this method has hundred percent guarantee rate. The only problem is; you can’t always be sure you drained the body of all its blood. It’s a nuisance to make sure. In my opinion, screw number three; stick with the burning option.

Finally, the last method. How many of you are Christians? Wow. That’s the majority, I believe. Right. Any of you got holy water on you? No? Shame. It turns out that enchanted items designed to kill the undead work spectacularly against those things they are designed to kill. Keep them well if you have them. They are another certain method of vampire cleansing and, unlike method three, they are awfully easy to perform. The only unreliable factor in this method is whether your so-called blessed item really is sponsored by God. It takes pure faith to actually enchant items and that is really hard to come by these days.

Well. That’s all. Any questions?

No. garlics do not work. It used to work on one race of vampires but they are extinct now. Same case for sunlight. Easy to kill things with such glaring weaknesses.

No. Applying holy water at the bite wound does not prevent a person from turning into a vampire. Unless you consider him dying a form of prevention. Then yes.

Didn't I tell you not to ask who tried to drain a vampire the first time? Next.

Yes. Conflagration is spelt with a 'c', not a 'k'.

No, I have not seen an actual vampire up close. I'm actually reciting all these from the pocket encyclopedia I carry all the time in my knapsack. Of course I've seen a real vampire! Do you think I got all these info watching movies? Don't waste my time with stupid questions.

Okay, you're the last one. What is it?

Do you consider zombies as humans? Why not? They used to be humans too, didn't they? Why would you consider the two differently? Ex-humans who should have died but instead became something far worse. You're not the first to have had that idea. However, that does not change the fact that vampires are as different from us as... well... I don't know... a platypus. No matter how you feel, no matter what others may tell you, never forget that vampires are not humans. Not anymore.

If you do forget though, I'll probably show up to end your bloodsucking existence, so there is that.

Hey, would you look at that. Times up! Okay people, lecture’s closed. OUT!