Passing Euphoria (Aizawa Shouta x Reader) (Commissioned Series)

Ch.6

You stared at the window, squinting every time the sun made contact with your face. You didn't move though, a pit in your stomach making you fear moving. Your anxiety was creating goosebumps on your skin as you tried to convince yourself to get up and out of bed.

For the first time in three days, you actually managed to do so.

Your feet touched the ground and you felt uneasy walking for the first few minutes. The floor was cold, but you carried on. You needed to bathe. It had been four days since your last bath. And with all the crying you had been doing, you needed to wash your hair and clean your face.

"If I actually wash my hair, then I'll let myself have some juice today." You coaxed yourself as you turned on the bath.

You inhaled slowly, watching the steam start to fill up your small bathroom. After a few moments, you stripped down and sunk into the tub. The water was scorching hot, but you didn't care. Even if it left your skin bright red, you were just glad to feel something right now.

The water did eventually cool though after quite a long time and you sighed. You must have been in here a while for the entire bath to turn chilly. So, it was time to hop out. Your hair was at least washed, you had accomplished something in the two hours you stayed in the bath.

You went back to your bedroom and looked at the clothes laying about your room. You picked up whatever looked clean and put them on. They were stained and even smelled a little, but laundry was too much.

Your eyes turned to your bed and you inhaled. The sheets were everywhere: some on the floor, some halfway between the bed and floor, and whatever ones remained in the bed were clumped together.

"A cookie." You told yourself as you tried to instill some sort of determination into you.

It took you half an hour, but you managed to make your bed. You sat down on the bed and gazed at the rest of your room. It was filthy, but you managed to clean one part up. You should feel proud of yourself. Yet you didn't.

Not wanting to feel any worse looking at your horrifically messy room, you walked out and into the kitchen. You fetched yourself that juice and cookie you had earned and scarfed them down ravenously.

When finished you still felt hungry, but couldn't muster up the energy to make or even heat up anything else. So, for now, you'd head to the couch in the living room and would watch something on TV until you could motivate yourself with some other kind of reward.

Even with you complimenting and rewarding yourself for all the small tasks you had accomplished so far today, you couldn't help but feel pathetic. What hero would reward herself with a cookie for making her bed? You felt more like a child than an adult.

But that's what this state of mind did to you. It made you feel as if the smallest, easiest, simplest tasks were as hard as creating a shuttle to go to the moon. Near impossible since your world had yet to do even that.

You sighed, moving the messy locks of hair away from your eyes and focusing on whatever was being blasted on the news right now: heroes stopping crimes, weather, cute stories, announcements for train delays. All of it was lost on you as you stared at the tv and yet weren't listening.

Your mind seemed to have shut down again. Your eyes slowly dropping downwards. You wondered how you could be so tired when you had already been asleep for over fourteen hours. Could it be that the sleep you got wasn't very peaceful? Maybe.

You preferred to think it was more that you would spend hours watching anime and playing games late at night. It was the only thing you had the motivation to do right now. Which led back to you starting to compliment yourself for those stupid simple tasks.

The hatred you felt towards your own head would have consumed you right now had it not been for your exhaustion. So you instead laid down on the couch, not even reaching for a blanket to cover yourself with.

You felt numb. Like nothing was worth doing or attempting. Like it would all be in vain after a certain amount of time, whether that time is a few minutes or several years. Why do anything if nothing mattered, to begin with?

Some small part of you tried to convince yourself that you needed to stop this and get out and live again. To talk to someone. To get help. To once again start to enjoy things. To... feel alive. That part of you was often shut down, this time being no different.

This was how things were. You couldn't change it. All you could do was live in it and hope it would pass by soon so you could go back to placing the smile on your face.

It had been this way for two weeks now though. The constant nightmares. Constant panic attacks. Constant feelings of worthlessness. You didn't know what to do. But you knew that it couldn't stay this way.

Maybe you should actually try and get on medication?

You had at one point in your life down this. It was in high school when tensions were high and your emotions were even worse than they were now. You had started on medication when entering UA, but by the time you reached your third year, you had stopped taking them.

Your mind had been sunk into complete darkness in middle school. Your time in middle school resulted in many unsuccessful attempts and several visits to the hospital, various support groups, and even a psych ward at one point. You had been put on medication as a result when entering high school.

You didn't like the medication. Now it wasn't that you hated the medication or thought it wasn't a good option. The contrary in fact. During your two-year stint on medication, you were happier, healthier, and enjoyed life more than any other time of your life. But what made it hard on you was the side effects the medication gave you. You often felt like you were merely watching your life unfold and not living it yourself as if you were merely observing your life and not an active participant. As well as the sleeplessness, and the weight gain that you still carried with you to this day. But while each of those side effects irritated you, they were not the ultimate reason you quit.

But, when trying to become a hero, you decided that strengthening your quirk was what you needed to do. You worked your hardest during those first two years at UA to do exactly that, and yet your quirk never got stronger. You improved in so many areas: laws, rescue, teamwork, hostage negotiation... but your own power was lacking.

All your classmates had gotten so much stronger and capable by the time your second year was ending. You remained the same and even felt as if your classmates were becoming immune to your pheromones, many able to break out of the emotions you tried to instill into them. Thus... you knew what you needed to do.

You blamed the medication for making your quirk weak. You stopped taking the medication as a result. During your third year saw improvement in your quirk, and while you gave yourself credit for stopping the medication, nothing ever proved that it was the medication stopping your quirk from reaching its best potential. You just assumed that the meds were to blame.

Since then, your quirk had gotten stronger. But the side effects of your quirk were worse and thus your mental health was even worse. But you didn't want to go back on medication, even now.

You had dealt with your low attitude for so long already, so why make a mess of things again? It wasn't like you were in any danger of having those dark thoughts any longer. You just were predisposed to sadness. That was all.

You sighed, convincing yourself yet again of this. The cycle confirmed to repeat again starting tomorrow. You had used up all your paid sick days you had racked up for so long and that meant come tomorrow you had to return to UA. You needed to work and make money after all and being at your job would allow you to do exactly that... plus also may let you take your mind off everything it was being obsessive over.

Come tomorrow, you'd smile and joke around with your staff peers and comfort and help the students who needed you. Your quirk would be at its best and your help would be needed. Even if that meant once again putting your own health aside.