Somewhere Faraway

Letter 3

16/02/2012

Dear Seth,

It's been three days since the last time I wrote to you.

It was never my idea to start writing to you in the first place.

You know me though so you understand the enormity of this simple act, that this really isn't something that comes naturally to me.

I was never one to write about my feelings. I never had a diary growing up. I never wrote anything about my life down. It always seemed like a pointless act.

Somehow though now I'm here.

I want to explain it all. Everything. Everything that happened between us. I want to have it written down. I don't want to forget. This is us I'm talking about Seth. Us. Our history.

My therapist said and yes I have a therapist now. Don't be so surprised. A lot has changed Seth.

She said it would be 'healthy' for me to do so even if I never send them anywhere. Even if I keep them buried in a box, so far underneath my bed that I'm the only one that knows they exist, this would be a way of letting go of the past.

Therapists are such a strange concept. I never really understood why people pay money to talk about their feelings. It's as if having someone to listen can somehow save you. I don't think it can though, Seth. I'm not sure anything can. It hasn't saved me. It didn't save you. My therapist doesn't know that you were supposed to be my future. How can I look into the future when all I see is myself being with you, that's all I've ever seen.

She says that the easiest way to let go of everything in the past, is to look into the future. To picture myself being happy and smiling surrounded by a group of friends.
I should strive for that.

The thing is I can't handle looking into the future, when I am barely coping in the present.

I try to tell her I can't go forward when every day it feels like I'm sinking. I can't escape. I'm frozen and I can't move and everyone's moving around me but all I want to do is retract from this existence. To disappear.

I can't tell her that because I'm afraid she will think I'm crazy.

I guess I am.

But isn't everyone a little Seth?

I wish for you every day Seth. Every shooting star is for you. It's endless because you aren't coming back.

See I'm not moving on. I told you I wouldn't, didn't I? Even though you said I had to. I guess it was harder than you thought it would be. It is so much harder than you could even imagine Seth.

I can't live without you and it's scary that you have had such an impact on me that I can't even breathe without you, I mean really breathe.

I just don't know how to be....me. Anymore.

I'm going to write our story,

This is for you,

Love always,
Lila.