number 25: marlena

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He told me he was near the pub we often went. I was not so far away. I decided to walk.

When I arrived I saw him sitting on the sidewalk, smoking his cigarette. I went near him and sat next to him. I copied him by lighting a cigarette for myself.

"Is everything really all right lately?" I asked him. He looked at my eyes. Then turned them back to the asphalt ground.

"I don't know." He said. I was glad he was being honest and not trying to avoid the conversation.

"Anything you want to talk about it? You seem off since the trip." I said sympathetically.

"I don't know. It feels selfish to talk about. I feel like I'm being unfair to all the opportunities given to us."

"You can talk to me," I said slowly. "I would never ever judge. We all have thoughts that we're guilty of."

He looked at me and blessed me with a shadowy smile.

"Going to the USA was huge deal. We had people who knew us miles away. And I truly appreciate it. I truly do. It was just hard for me to accept this is our future. You were frightened to come with us just because you were afraid of what people were going to say. As a group our whole aim is to tell people not to care about others. We show it by the way we dress, destroying the gender norms. We talk about this in our songs. But we can't protect ourselves from all the talkings. We will be known, everywhere we went now. As much as good, we will receive negative commentary. We will never be ordinary again."

"Damiano," I sighed his name. The smoke of my cigarette had also went out from my mouth. "You have every right to be frightened. I would freak out. God I don't even know how most of the time you manage to stay so calm about everything. But remember this. Even if you weren't famous, even if you hadn't won Eurovision, you would never ever be ordinary. You are special. You all are. And all the 'people' you are talking about, are just the people who appreciate your specialty."

He looked at me. I saw gratefulness in his eyes. It had made me feel good. Knowing that I was somehow helpful.  He waited before talking for a couple of minutes.

"Can you distract me?" He said. I understood he wanted to change the subject. I didn't understand if he wanted sex or something else. 

"Are you talking about-" I asked. He stopped me before I finished my sentence.

"No not that," he said. "Not this once. I don't know. Tell me something. Ask me something. Anything."

I pondered what to say. He was honest with me. I could return the favor.

"The last night at New York. The whole Marlena and Coraline talk. There was something in the way you said it. What did you mean?" I asked. I couldn't believe myself asking this.

Damiano answered me with a question.

"Did you think about why I invited you to the car that night? That first night."

I did. But I'd just thought it was because he wanted sex. Didn't really look for a meaning in that.

"Sex." I said directly.

"What about why we let you stay. Why we shared you."

That on the other hand, was something I never found the answer to. I shook my head negatively.

"You are Marlena, June. Marlena is this charming girl, who have her influence over everyone. She is someone to show you the right way. She is confident. She never thinks twice.  She burns you with passion. She is dangerous, yet the safest place you can ever have. When she wants something, she gets it. It was you that night. You had this red lipstick on. I loved the way you approached us without a hesitation. You didn't panicked. You looked like you knew what you wanted to say and said exactly as you thought. You smoked your cigarette as if it was made of courage. I took you home that night. You came back next day, accepting to be my fucking slave and expecting the same thing in return. You didn't think twice when Victoria offered to share. You didn't refuse when we asked you to move to a different country. Marlena acts with logic but her emotions are so intense. She is logical and soulful at the same time. 

I didn't base Marlena off of you June. You know that's impossible. But I let you in our lives, because you were Marlena. I saw that, the second I heard your voice that night. That's what 'June is Marlena' means. Because you, June are Marlena."

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I need to remember how to breath after that. I'm so excited about the chapter OMG. I truly hope you like it.

Let's talk about it in the comments! Will be waiting <3


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