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My annual assessment interview was not going well.
Killian, my supervisor, shook his head, tutting theatrically. I stared at his perfectly moulded widow's peak and wondered why I could never get my own unruly cowlick to stay put like that. Eventually, he looked up.
'Auberon,' he said in that superior tone of his, 'you're a disgrace to our profession. Your conversion rate is pathetic. According to this report, you only indoctrinated two new associates this year and one of those was 86. We need young, attractive vampires who have no problem getting close to their victims, not wrinkly geriatrics with the sex appeal of a warthog.'
'I'll try to do better next year,' I mumbled apologetically.
'You'll do better this very night!' he said, spitting sparks of indignation. 'I want three new recruits before dawn, otherwise, I'm returning you to mortal life. You'll spend the rest of your days flipping burgers and worrying about paying rent!'
***
With that unspeakable threat hanging over me I left the crypt and wafted into town, staying on the ground but glorying in the lightness of my being. Each footfall landed on the pavement as delicately as a butterfly with bunions. How could I give this up and go back to being the clumsy lumpen oaf I had been before?
I had to find three victims and had about six hours to do it, but, unlike Killian and my colleagues, I have ethics. I can't force myself on candidates ... I have to be invited. Hence my lack of success.
A gust of holy spirit emanating from a church chilled me and its clock struck ten just as I heard a commotion in the street nearby. Three thugs were manhandling a girl, and she looked like one of us. She was dressed in black leather. I noticed her lips were purple and her dark hair had green highlights. Definitely one of the undead.
Approaching silently, I saw that the youth holding her arms was a fine specimen and wondered why she hadn't converted him.
'Excuse me,' I introduced myself politely. 'Let her go.'
'What the hell?' he said, surprised at my sudden appearance. Then he looked me up and down and smirked. 'You can kiss my ass!'
That was all the invitation I needed. Neck ... breast ... gluteus maximus ... it made no difference to me.
'Okay,' I agreed.
'Okay what, you weirdo?'
'Okay, let her go and I'll kiss your ass.'
He grinned and his two friends fell about laughing.
'Go on Pete, let him do it. It'll be a laugh!'
Pete released the girl and she stood watching, fascinated, as he dropped his sweatpants to display a pair of grimy boxers. He hitched one side up exposing a plump buttock.
Dropping to my knees, I gently kissed the exposed skin then slowly sank my fangs into his soft flesh. While his buddies guffawed I sensed Pete fall into a trance and knew I'd snared the first of my three. Rising, I patted him on the back, whispered instructions in his ear and watched him set off in the direction of the crypt to check in. His two friends followed in his wake, oblivious to what had just happened.
***
'That was kinda cool ... I guess,' the girl said. 'I'm Gretchen.'
'Auberon,' I shook her hand. 'Which chapter do you belong to?'
'Chapter?'
'You know ... The Lamia Club? The Bloodsucker Society?'
'Oh no,' she said, slightly confused, 'I'm supposed to be a Goth, not a Vampire. I take it you're going to the party?'
Now it was my turn.
'Party?'
'The fancy dress party. The cloak and all ... you're obviously Dracula. C'mon, you can walk me the rest of the way.'
The penny dropped. Gretchen wasn't one of us. She just dressed strangely. But a party sounded good. I might find another willing recruit.
***
Gretchen and I got on like a house on fire and by the time we reached the venue I was smitten, even if she was a diurnal. I'd never had any success with girls as a human and I couldn't reveal much about myself, but she said she liked that I was mysterious and intriguing. I even started believing that returning to mortality might not be so bad after all.
My new friend grabbed my hand and pulled me inside the party house where I looked around the room in surprise. The place was full of gorillas, invisible men wrapped in bandages, at least one incredible hulk and, lo and behold, a couple of Count Draculas. I felt right at home.
***
While Gretchen went to speak with some friends, I wandered into the kitchen and helped myself to a tomato juice. At least it looked appetizing. A drunken woman dressed as a bunny-girl came in and flung her bare arm around my neck.
'Ooh, a vampire!' she slurred, before dragging my face down onto her ample cleavage.
'Bite me! Bite me!'
Well ... I could hardly refuse, could I? Two down ... one to go.
After I'd given her directions to the crypt I watched her sashay out of the front door before I went to find Gretchen.
***
'You're very light on your feet,' Gretchen remarked as we danced in the early hours. 'You feel kind of ... floaty ... as if you could fly away.'
She rested her head on my shoulder.
'I wish we could fly away together,' she whispered softly.
'Do you really mean that?' I asked, feeling emotions that vampires are not supposed to feel.
She nodded, so I told her all about my last chance.
It didn't take us long to make the decision. Her life was just as miserable as mine had been so, just before sunrise, she offered her slender neck and I brought her into the fold.
For once, Killian seemed pleased and even chuckled when he suggested I take Gretchen under my wing. I'd never guessed he owned a sense of humour.
