I rode him like I had been knowing how to ride for years, when this might've been my 5th try. He was moaning and telling me everything I wanted to hear and it did nothing but turn me up even more
"Nut in your pussy daddy please" I moaned into his ear then drew circles with my tongue on his neck. I felt him stiffen and fill me with the thick warm liquid that had the capability to ruin everything . I was so manic I didn't care about anything but feeling alive right now. I felt so alive right now. I giggled and hopped off as it ran down my legs and he lied there depleted of all his disgusting ass energy that would soon merge with mine. I didn't want to ruin this moment with reality so I just giggled and cleaned us up like what we done was for any good reason other than my selfish lustful cravings. I nestled my way into a place under him in the bed and we drifted off to sleep.
The next day we were twinning hands interlocked walking through the mall like a couple. I knew I didn't want to be with him but I also knew I was being lonely and wanted to feel something so I just enjoyed the fantasy we were kicking to each other.
A month later and the fantasy hardly seemed worth it as the 2nd pregnancy test read positive. I froze on the toilet in my mothers bathroom already knowing what her reaction would be. This was only my second time falling pregnant, the first time having resulted in my son and I knew I didn't want this child. I was scared of his reaction seeing as I had just left him high and dry in his city a couple weeks ago and never answered for him again.
I managed to pick myself up off of the stool and opened the door and there my mother was immediately looking at what I had in my hand and her mouth dropped. My eyes got watery, I finally came to the realization that this was reality. Not only was it reality but it was the reality I created for myself. She said she would be here for whatever decision I wanted to make but her voice meshed with the background noise in my brain. I was in a whole other place in that moment, completely disconnected from the conversation.
I picked up my phone and unblocked his number and sent the test & that I simply wanted half for the abortion. He obliged and said he would even pay the entire thing. I thought maybe I had judged him too hard back in his city when I'd left him, maybe he was a sensible guy. I was wrong as always trying to see the good in a person that simply was not.
I didn't realize this of course until I was outside planned parenthood by myself sobbing as he yelled anything that might hurt my feelings through my phone. My best friend had stood me up and I had to come to my abortion alone and to top it with a fucking cherry this man decided to completely flip the script today. He yelled that it probably wasn't his and it wasn't even his responsibility to pay for, that I was just a fuck and it wouldn't change or ruin his life it would ruin mine. He said it would be my bastard and he wouldn't even lift a finger to help me or acknowledge us. I was so sensitive from the overdrive of hormones that it hit me in a way I could not even understand. He was the one trying to push us to act as if we were something, making me feel bad for using him for sex. He was the one that persuaded me to act as if we were more....
I was dumbfounded at the sudden switch that reminded my of my other child's father so much. I couldn't tell if I was crying because I was hurt about what he was saying or if I was crying because I allowed the same demon to impregnate me. By the time I could pull myself together my appointment had come and go and I drove myself back home in defeat.
Why did I attract this same demon? Why did I feel so alive giving myself away to it? What was the test here this time?.... I asked myself as I threw back a third shot. I hoisted myself on my pole allowing the spinning to distract my mind from the pain I kept causing myself. I drank more and more until I was disassociated and giggly..... my favorite. It's so easy to forget what's happening when I feel like this. I feel so free of anxiety, as if I can be and do anything without consequences.
The next morning I could barely stand or sit up. I was hunched over writhing in pain and I knew exactly what was happening. I ran to the bathroom and clots of blood fell out witch every piercing cramp. I knew what was happening and even thought I did not want my child, it hurt. I didn't expect myself to grieve what had barely grown to be a child but I did. I cried for the child and I cried for myself. Only having myself to depend on as always I drove myself to the hospital barely able to sit.
The doctor gave me a grim look before the words left his mouth, but I already knew before they did the ultrasound or pelvic exam. He gave me pain medication and his condolences and I drove myself home.
I fell into my bed feeling so alone. I went through this alone. My phone rang for no one. Nobody was gonna save me but me. I had nobody but me. Laying there floating on pain medicines I finally realized that this was another test I both deserved and needed.
