james
This was wrong. As August's body writhed on mine in the back of my car, there was only one thing I could feel washing over me. Guilt.
For God's sake, I had been dating Betty since middle school! It seemed like she always had our life planned out to a tee- how many kids we'd have, what our picturesque home would look like, and even the shade that our suburban white-picket fence would be (powder-cream). It was suffocating, yes, but it was comfortable. It was my home. Betty was my home.
August, on the other hand, was new. She was a shiny new doll, compared to Betty's worn fabric. She was the girl that no guy had ever gotten, the prize in the claw machine that no metal claw had been able to cruelly pluck from its spot at the top.
Maybe an objectifying comparison wasn't the best, but it wasn't like I could get any worse - I was quite literally cheating on my girlfriend.
Was it worse that Betty didn't even know August? She was bound to know of her, but they had never spoken to my knowledge. It felt dirty. I felt dirty. I disgusted myself- and yet, I couldn't stop.
Something tugged at my collar. Two delicate, deep-sepia colored hands pulled at the cloth, trying to pry the buttons open with their slender fingers. I looked up to see August's hazel eyes quirked up in amusement along with the corners of her mouths. This was a joke to her. Of
course it was. She wasn't the one who was going to be in deep shit if we were found out- I was.
Betty had never been like this. She'd never been forward- I couldn't even remember how we started dating. At a certain point, everyone said that we should, and we went along with it. We were told that we were such a perfect couple, that we were going to have beautiful kids, every single day. Even my parents loved her, so why couldn't I?
In the span of seconds, thoughts buzzed through my brain like small insects. We could stop now. This could end. I could go back to Betty, act as if nothing was wrong, and live out the next decades of my life in silent content.
"Are you sure?" I asked, the word slipping out of my mouth faster than wine from a bottle.
I had meant my tone to be more demeaning, to make her unsure. To make it clear that I was unsure. She, however, obviously wasn't the most observant. Her fingers made contact with my collarbone, and my will crumbled like a poorly constructed wall.
She spoke no words in response to my previous question, but her face was enough. I was going to regret this.
august
Everything was turning out as I had envisioned. Months of daydreaming in class, singing along to the most longing of songs, and yearning for the boy in my homeroom had resulted in me finally capturing James' attention. He was hesitant at first, which I couldn't even understand. I mean; sure, he was with Betty. I was well aware of that, but- all the movies told me that he wouldn't be that way. He should've jumped at the chance to be with me, like in every romance film ever. That was how it was supposed to be.
As much as I hated to admit it, he wasn't exactly like the Prince Charming I'd come to expect. His reluctance spoke volumes- he wasn't sure about me. About us. Betty was always going to be an obstacle for me to break through.
She was everything I wanted to be. The valedictorian of our class, the prize daughter of her parents, and James' darling girlfriend. What was I? The lousy cheerleader who was barely passing her classes. That's what I was.
James was brooding, careful about everything he did. He had the tendency to carefully think through every action. It explained his aversion, but didn't solve it. Few things could.
My hands moved themselves, gripping his shirt more aggressively than I would have if I had any control whatsoever. I put on the most suggestive expression possible, silently praying for it to take any effect. I had technically never had a boyfriend, let alone this personal connection with another human being. It was exhilarating. I couldn't stop myself if I tried; not that I wanted to.
Did he look at me like I was a child? Ever since 6th grade came and went, my face had never matured far past my body. While the rest of me grew into a young woman, it kept some semblance of childlike wonder that the Earth couldn't wipe away, no matter how hard it or I tried. I was so used to adults looking down on me, but the thought that a kid my age may also think of me in the same light he would view a toddler was enough to reinvigorate determination into me. I had to be diligent and straightforward about what I wanted, and what I wanted was James.
His finger hit my collarbone and an electric shock sparked. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a whirlwind romance, not a one-time makeout session. Could I tell him that? Would he be the type to understand, or would I just be a barely-teenage girl rambling about her envisionment of love with no previous experience to back it up?
When I looked into his eyes, I felt safe. He, however, looked like a deer in headlights. While I felt the cool winter's night in the palm of his hands, he felt the sweaty, hot hands of a girl who had never even held hands with a boy other than her own father.
And, of course, it all came back to Betty. James wanted perfection, not a mess. He wanted a girl who brought three separate binders to school every day just to stay neat, not one who consistently called home for her mother to drop off her forgotten textbooks. Betty was the suburban dream girl, while I was the predicted high school drop-out.
Every thought suddenly came to a screeching halt akin to that of a truck crashing out of nowhere. James had made his decision. He pulled my arms over his shoulders, wrapping them around the back of his neck, and pulled me close. The warmth of the weather outside and in the car was nothing compared to how I felt when I was with him. All of my senses were alive. Any ideas of James' doubt and Betty's flawlessness slid out and away with the slight summer breeze, and I sighed in content desperation as James laid me back against the leather seats. At that moment, everything was right. For once, I was right, and my life clicked into place as I prayed it would.
a/n: probably gonna come back and extend this chapter waaaaaaaay out, but i was restless and wanted to publish it for motivation lol :)
