by the sidelines • haechan

thirty eight

"And that last kick," he sighed exasperatedly, "What were you even aiming for? How did you miss her head by that much of a distance? Seriously, it was a missed opportunity."

"She shifted, so-" I wanted to argue further, but resentment filled me again as I cursed at myself for that horrible mistake. Why didn't- no, why couldn't I aim properly? I sighed, already feeling defeated by his criticism, "Is there anything more you want to add?"

"Yes," he replied without hesitation, and I sucked in a breath to prepare myself for the final blow. "Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Well, that-" I whipped my head towards him in shock, realising what he said wasn't an insult. When I didn't reply, he repeated, "Did you really wanted to hear those words out of someone else's mouth? Was self-loathing not enough?"

"W-who said I was self-loathing?" I refuted loudly, "I was just reorganising my thoughts, thinking about my mistakes and all that." I gazed at my bare feet, shuffling them on the concrete ground. "I just don't know what went wrong."

The following words came out in a mumble as I dwelled on that event again. I heard him sigh beside me, but I was too caught up in my rant that I ignored him. "I thought I had it, I was leading until that last moment. It's like I lost focus the moment I tried to focus, how ironic is that?"

My soft voice quickly turned into the anger that I failed to feel before. "I don't even remember what I was doing. Why couldn't I score that last kick? Was it my stamina? My speed? My aim or my strength? Was I rushing too much? I can't place the blame on anything." I ended my ramble with a great sigh, cupping my cheeks into my hands. "Maybe I lost my touch the moment I lost that match. I guess I'm not cut out for this anymore."

My eyes rested on the fights unfolding in the distance, envy filling in me as I watched them dominate the mats. I'm not angry at myself for losing, I'm annoyed that I can't find the fault in my loss. Coach Yoon would have pointed it out instantly, but on my own, I couldn't.

"So, are you gonna give up?" Donghyuck broke the silence as he raised, causing me to stare at him blankly. My mind was still in a ruckus, so I barely even heard his question. He rolled his eyes in impatience, asking again, "Are you gonna let this loss engulf you again? Are you gonna run and hide away in another club?"

"I don't mean- I didn't-" I stuttered, finally catching his words as I fought my thoughts to find an answer.

But he didn't bother waiting for it.

"That's something you should ask yourself." He stood up, adjusting his pants that were caught between his guards. "It's an answer only you should receive."

Before I could say anything else, he hopped down the steps just as the announcements requested for the final bouts to report. After recovering from the initial confusion, I slumped back onto the wall, his question repeating in my mind.

Are you gonna give up?

The more I repeated it, the more rhetoric it sounded. Like he was implying something. But this wasn't something I should rely on others opinions for; it's something I need to decide for myself.

"Yoojin! Faster come down here!" Soobin's voice hollered from the bottom of the stands as I jumped up from my seat.

Something that shouldn't require so much thinking.

"Coming!" I yelled back, trotting down the stairs as crowds gathered around the railings for the final matches.

The answer was obvious.

---

"Hong, seung!"

The crowd cheered as Jeonghyun, a black belt from our club, clinched the gold medal for his weight category. Damn, I didn't realise how strong Yeoljeong's members were, especially the guys. We had already earned five golds across all categories according to Soobin, and that was already quite impressive considering the competing clubs were rather strong as well. But this information made me feel even worse than before.