Isolation ~ Sapnap X reader

Chapter 2 ~ Like a weighted blanket

word count: 1343

 She stared at the screen, her eyes fixated on the words that she could barely comprehend. She didn't even know if she wanted to accept, she hadn't talked to anyone besides her chat in so long. The idea of being trapped in a conversation with strangers who probably had no idea who she even was; It was daunting to say the least.

Her hands hovered over her keys, her options were rejecting the offer, disappointing the only people who cared about her even a little, or accepting and having to face a 1 on 1 conversation for the first time in 3 years. She didn't see a choice, she saw only an obligation, an obligation to her fans. She let her fingers glide across the keys, she let each click of the small black keys ring and echo in her ears, each asked the same question in a hundred different ways, "Are you sure about this?" Click, "It'd be much easier to just decline and continue as it's always been" Click, "Nothing has to change."

Click click click

She finished her response, and let her hands fall onto her lap as she reread her unsent message over and over again, she thought, and rethought. Was this really what I wanted? She asked herself, as her eyes fell on the send button, she mulled over her decision over and over again. When she looked back over the clock, she realized she had been staring at the message for an hour, just trying to decide if she should or not. She took a deep breath, and clicked the enter key. She knew this would change everything, but something had to change; if she didn't change things now, nothing would get better.

She sighed, as she closed out her computer and lent down to pet the fluffy white cat that had made his way to her side. She stood, and made her way over to the small dresser she kept against her wall. She opened the dresser and lifted a new pair of pajamas out, there was no point in getting dressed, it was late enough to go to bed, and it wasn't like she would leave the house anyways. She stood softly and made her way to the bathroom, she turned on the shower and lifted towels from the rack before she got in.

(Y/n) Sat on the cold stone floor of the shower, she pulled her knees close to her chest and rested her head on them. She felt immediate and immense regret for having agreed to join mcc. Her mind raced, the thoughts of what might happen not that she's agreed, thoughts of who might notice now that she's agreed. She let the hot water of the shower pellet the top of her head, it rolled off her head and coasted down her back, and pooled on the floor below her before it dripped down the drain. She hadn't been so bold to agree to something like this in a long time; the routine she had for years, a routine that had kept her safe, a routine she hated more than anything, a routine that gave her a twisted sense of comfort. Like if she kept it up, for just a little longer, everything would get better, that all she had to do was keep living like this, why would she need anything more? She was alive, she was fed, she had Luca... She didn't need anything more. And in one simple click of the enter key she ruined it all, everything shattered. She would have to talk to people, she would have a larger audience then she'd ever had before. To most it might seem like an opportunity of a lifetime, but she knew what could happen with a larger audience. And that was nothing good.

After she stood and finished her shower she turned the knob to turn off the water, she ran her hand over her head in a feeble attempt to get some of the water out of her hair before she stepped out and lifted a towel, she wrapped her hair up in it and dried off with the other. She contemplated on what she should do now, get back on the computer and face the consequences of her impulsive actions, or go to bed and do her nightly routine of staring at the ceiling instead of actually sleeping.

She took the few steps to the side of her bed, she shook the towel on her head softly to dry her wet hair some before she tossed it on the floor and crawled under her warm covers, she closed her eyes, and prayed everything was just a dream, that she would wake up tomorrow and it would be Tuesday again. That none of this happened, that she didn't accept the invite on impulse.

Her eyes opened to the suns rays in her eyes again, her limbs felt heavy, like she didn't have the energy to move them, she felt empty. She moved her arm over her eyes, and closed them and blocked out the rays of light that woke her, it was all she felt she could do. The empty feeling weighed heavy on her, but it was strangely comforting. Like a weighted blanket, covering her; oppressing her. But she didn't feel anything else. She let the feeling stay, she embraced it, she allowed it to lull her back into a soft sleep, if life couldn't grant her wish and make the last three years of her life, or even the last day into just a dream, an elaborate prank; then she would escape it the only way she knew she could. Where no one could find her, where she let the weighted emptiness wash over her and nest. She would drift back into sleep.

The sweet embrace of slumber was quickly interrupted by the insistent ring of her phone, it was her alarm. She held her eyes shut even tighter, she hoped it would stop, she hoped she wouldn't have to move. But life wasn't so pleasant to her, and after 15 minutes of the ring she finally had enough, slowly she lifted herself off the bed, she groaned softly for having used the energy she didn't currently have. She rubbed her hands over her face in a futile attempt to wake herself up, it didn't work. She lifted the phone from her desk, 2:00 PM, the digital numbers on her screen read, she was late, again. If her fans weren't worried before, they would be now.

She placed her phone back onto the end table, stood and began her day the same as always, she made her way to the kitchen; she prepared the coffee; checked the windows; and made her way back into her bedroom where she clicked on the computer once more. She waited for the screen to light up as she slowly sipped the warm black liquid she made sure not to burn herself. Once her computer booted and she typed in the password she immediately made her way to twitter, it wasn't her normal routine but she needed to know if she received a reply back yet. After having wade through the worried tweets from fans wondering why she's so late again, she headed to her dms, and resting on top is the one she's had been looking for, she opened it and read it carefully.

The message was a standard one, thanking her for accepting the invitation as it explained some of what would happen now that she was a confirmed participant of mcc. She sighed a breath of relief, she didn't know why, but she had been afraid to read what the message said. And it being nothing more than information about the tournament she felt. Comforted. Although her comfort didn't last for long as she turned her gaze to the time, 3:00PM she was not even later than before, she scrambled to open stream labs, she pulled up her starting screen and muted herself; she quickly hit the Go Live button.