untitled and unfinished

chapter four

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."- Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. The untold stories in my soul are what makes me who I am. The stories I hold inside make me want to scream and hide at the same time. Stories about parts of me I believe too dark or too petrifying to confide in someone. Words are begging to come out. For what is the point of having a voice if you cannot use it when it is needed. 

I have grown accustomed to the words 'I am fine' or 'I am just tired.' I just cannot bear to put my pain onto someone else's shoulders. No need to make another bleed. The ones who say I have alway been there for them, but they do not realize that I am giving them advice off of personal experience. They never bother to ask what is going on in my head. I wish someone had the magical power to read my thoughts, so I wouldn't have to bear this desolate journey alone. 

I have a voice. But it has been silenced. I feel no need to express my contrasting opinions. The price to pay is great. Why would I possibly anger someone to make my point made? My points should feel valid though. I should feel like I am in an environment where I can freely express my opinions. I cannot do that though. My family setting would never allow my non-catholic beliefs. Anyone can be whoever they want to be. Female, male, unchosen to identify.I respect anyone and everyone. I believe in their choice in matters. I believe that females should get just as much of an opportunity as men. The sexism in my household is unreal. The males do not have to clean, they have lower grade expectations, they are the 'favorite'. I have constant pressure to be the perfect 'housewife'. That is not my opinion. 

I cannot voice that though. I wish I could scream how it is unfair that I am trying to be forced to believe something that is not true. My voice has no meaning. My role models in life are the strong, indecent, fantasy women that I read of. How they do not take anyone else's crap. They can voice their opinions no matter what. I wish to be just like them. I wish I could scream at the unfair laws, or things that anger me. I wish I could make a difference. I wish I could do something and not sit back and watch biassed men make decisions that are not right. I am no feminist. I just wish that things were equalled. By why try at an issue that no one will care to listen to my point on. 

These untold stories have made me who I am. I choose not to share parts of my life out of habit and out of fear. Without these feelings, stories, emotions, I would not be here. Everything must fit into a chapter, or a page. I am still awaiting the arrival of my Prince Charming. Someone who understands me and can talk to me. When he arrived I will let you know. But I must make one thing clear. A man will not fix my broken soul. I do not believe anything can. But I do not wish to be portrayed as one of those girls who just needs a man in her life. I have made it quite obvious that I do not need a man or anyone. I am who I chose to be.