A Feeling Of Normality [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

Part 19. Memories.

"It's okay" Steve tries to calm her down, while his hands continue to slide gently over her back. He has no idea who she dreamed of tonight but it doesn't even matter. "Things will be okay."

Eventually, [Y/N] lifts her head and looks at Steve with sad eyes. "What if I'll forget you, too?"

"That won't happen, sweetheart" he reassures her. "I'm not that easy to forget" he jokes and is relieved to see her chuckle. It's always painful to see her hurting and fragile. The woman he met more than a year ago was tough and strong and he knows that it's the way she wants people to see her. Therefore, he appreciates when she drops her facade in front of him and seeks help. He just wishes he could help her in another way than comforting her. He would love to help her finding some answers so that she can stop blaming herself for not remembering.

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The very next morning, Steve is in Natasha's room, a serious look on his face that doesn't allow any jokes or arguments. So Natasha just listens to him carefully until he has shared his idea. "You've done a lot of risky things, Steve. But that should be on the leaderboard."

"I know. But you didn't see her pain, Natasha. She's suffering."

"I get that. But there is certainly another way..." Natasha tries to dissuade her friend from his idea, but actually she already knows that his decision has been made. The look he now gives her only proves this. "If they catch us, there is no going back. We will end up in jail and Stark will make sure we never get out of there."

"If the risk is too high for you, you don't have to do that, Natasha. I know it's a lot to ask of you."

"I didn't say that I won't help you. I just wanted to remind you of the risks" Natasha grins and confirms that she will help him. As always.

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Steve didn't tell his friends much about his special mission because nobody should know about it. Not even [Y/N] knows the reason for their friends leaving tomorrow, even though it's about her. But precisely because Steve is aware of the risks, he asked his friends to spend the evening together before they leave. If something goes wrong it's his last chance to enjoy some time off with his friends. Maybe even the last time to see them at all. All his friends just know that Natasha and him are leaving tomorrow morning to do something important and so they all agreed to spend the evening together. It's a cozy get-together full of funny stories and deep conversations.

Bucky watches his best friend through narrowed eyes, who had put his arm around [Y/N]'s shoulder while laughing a while ago and now strokes her shoulder with his fingers. Bucky knows exactly what Steve is up to and it works. He hadn't left [Y/N] alone all evening long but in the last hour it became even more obvious. If Steve invested half as much energy in his real dating life, he would have a girlfriend by now. But maybe it's his friendship with [Y/N] that makes flirting with her so much easier for him. Either way, the little show he puts on works. Said just glances across the table and sees that most of the drinks are empty and offers to fetch another round.
"I'll help you" says Bucky and immediately follows Steve to the kitchen but before Steve reaches the refrigerator, Bucky angrily grabs his arm and pulls him into the hallway around the corner. "Don't!" he admonishes his friend in an angry growling voice. "I know what you're trying to do."

"And it seems to be working" grins Steve at his best friend. Of course it had been mean to deliberately make Bucky jealous and hit on [Y/N] in the process. But he doesn't know what will happen tomorrow and wants to make sure that Bucky is aware of his real feelings before he leaves. There's a chance to not get back and be by his side to give him any more advice. So he had made sure all evening long that she stayed close to him and away from Bucky, hoping it'd cause a reaction. "So what was your date really like?"

"That's none of your business" Bucky growls angrily and then just sighs. He gets that his friend is curious but the storm inside him is raging right now. He doesn't want to see [Y/N] being that comfortable with anyone but him and he can't stand himself for feeling like that. "Please excuse us."

Before Steve can say anything, Bucky takes a few beers from the fridge and walks back into the living room. "[Y/N], do you have a moment?" he asks in a more gentle voice as he puts the beers on the table. She nods and Bucky grabs her hand and accompanies her out of the living room. Before they're gone, their friends hear [Y/N] ask in confusion: "What's going on?"

Bucky does not stop until he is sure that they are far enough away from the living room and thus far enough away from their friends. [Y/N] looks at him confused and worried because she has never seen Bucky as upset and confused as he looks right now. Only when her free hand touches his arm does she seem to get him out of his thoughts and his blue-greenish eyes look at her brightly. "Tell me if you don't want that" he breathes while his right hand cups her face before his lips crash onto hers. His kiss is desperate, demanding and yet loving and [Y/N] melts into it. It takes him a while to pull away. "Is that okay?" he breathes questioning, needing her permission verbally. Their date, and thus their kiss, was weeks ago. They had never talked about it and it never happened again. Things just went on as before. They spent a lot of time together, joking around, training and watching movies together. Bucky himself doesn't know why they had avoided the subject but it was easier for him not to have to deal with his feelings. But to have to watch how Steve intentionally provoked him the whole evening and [Y/N] apparently enjoyed his presence, had actually made him jealous.

"Yes" [Y/N] answers his question, still completely speechless from the kiss. Immediately, Bucky pulls her face closer and kisses her again. This time, however, less desperate but all the more soulful and desirous. This time it's [Y/N] who breaks the kiss. "Bucky, what's going on? I don't want to complain... But... What does that mean?"

Bucky rests his forehead against hers and wraps his arms around her waist to pull her closer. "Did I cross a line?" he asks insecure but [Y/N] shakes her head as best as she can without breaking off their touch.  Honestly, this is the cutest thing Bucky has ever done. "I really like you, [Y/N]. But I have no idea of who I am. I am not the man I used to be and I'm still trying to find out who I am. I might not be able to give you what you need but please, don't ever let me get jealous of my best friend ever again."

"Jealous?" [Y/N] asks. "Of Steve?" Of course she had perceived Steve's efforts tonight but hadn't thought about it at all. They were best friends and since she had all those nightmares, they had gotten even closer.

"You give me feelings that scare me, [Y/N]" he admits. "I have never known jealousy. I think I like you but I'm going crazy. You make me feel secure. You make me feel good and I like that feeling. But it also scares me."

"James..." [Y/N] whispers his name as she tries to calm her racing heart that his words caused. His name gives him a flashback to the first time she called him by it and he gets goosebumps, his body begins to shaken slightly. She has an affect on him, she always had, but it seems to be getting worse and like he can't control it anymore. His eyes show a mixture of pain, fear, uncertainty, desperation but also affection and he tries to hide this storm of emotions from her. But [Y/N] can see it all as it seems like he has lost all control of his body so that his whole body language is giving away the truth. She has never seen him like that and she has seen a lot of him. She had seen him after his nightmares, when he tried to keep her away from him, when he was afraid of hurting her or when he doubted that he could trust her. She had seen his desperation when they had to run away in Bucharest and the pain when he realized he had become the Winter Soldier again. But the man in front of her seems to struggle on a whole new level and it hurts [Y/N] to know that she's the reason for it. She feels his shaking and moves her right hand to his face and begins to stroke his cheek with her thumb. He immediately leans his head against her hand and closes his eyes to let her touch calm him. He looks so fragile righ now that [Y/N] is afraid to hurt him with a wrong touch. When she places a kiss on his forehead, he opens his eyes again and the chaos of emotions she saw in them just seconds ago has almost vanished, leaving nothing but affection and insecurity in them.

"I like you too" she admits and a wide smile spreads across Bucky's lips that he can't even control, being the perfect contrast to the worried look in his eyes. "We'll figure this out together, alright?"

Bucky nods slowly, careful to not break their touch. They remain in that position for some longer until he feels better and [Y/N]'s racing heart has calmed down. "You don't mind continuing this before we go back, do you, doll?" Bucky asks grinning as he has found back to his self-confidence  and when [Y/N] shakes her head, chuckling, he pulls her even closer and kisses her again until they're both breathless.