I 𝚊m •

He𝚛e

I am awake, but I can't open my eyes, I don't want to open my eyes because as soon as I do my life has to start again.
Just yesterday I felt fine, everything was going fine, smoothly. Sure a little stressful but nothing I can't handle.
But last night, as soon as I sat down on my bed as if I was going to sleep, I couldn't.

Everything flooded to me at once, a weight sat on my chest, the weight that usually felt like a rock was now a boulder. My eyes stung like I was going to cry.
The only thing I can think is I hate doing this, I hate going to school everyday, I hate being with these people everyday, I hate it all.
Everyday I try, yet it feels like I'm failing, I am failing, I am not accomplishing anything so I am failing
As my thoughts went on, my heart raced, to the point it felt like it was beating out of my chest, I felt light headed, I couldn't breathe, so I breathed harder, faster

My thoughts were repeating , mutating, becoming more into words of I hate myself, no one loves me because I'm a failure.
I want these thoughts to stop but they won't.
I bring my hands to my hair and clutch a handful, as if trying to forcefully make the thoughts go away.

Maybe if I cry it will stop the thoughts, if I cry it will all come out and I'll be fine again.
But I can't
I can't cry, as much as my eyes sting the tears won't come out.
I groan painfully, trying to push them out, knowing that I'll feel better if I... Could just cry...

I finally open my eyes, I've laid in bed now 3 hours past my alarm, I kept telling myself to get up in five minutes, but I don't want to get up.
Actually I don't want to get up ever again.
The boulder still sits on my chest, yet at the same time I feel hollowed out, like there's nothing left in me.
I feel a light throbbing from where I clutched my hair last night...I didn't even realize how tightly I grasped it.

Why was I so upset in the first place? Everything was fine so why was I not, what is wrong with me?
And just then, tears I had been wishing for last night, started falling from my eyes, no-
Pouring, raining down uncontrollably.

I did not bother to wipe them

I want this cycle to stop, I don't want to be like this anymore. I mustered a breath

"Help" I screamed, it was a weak, desperate scream. But soon thundering footsteps echoed all the way up to my door, it slammed open and the my help was.

My help's eyes softened in worry, rushing to my side.
Stroking my head comfortingly as I leaned into their much needed warmth.

"I am here." They whispered.